Friday, December 31, 2010

One last thing....

Is it wrong that I just don't really care that it's New Year's Eve?  It doesn't seem that long ago that I would look forward to this evening with great anticipation and excitement!  Shopping for the perfect bling to wear, buying hats and noise makers and fireworks.  Cleaning and cooking and setting up my house with festive decor for the evening.  And today?  Bleh.  Don't care.  Threw on some jeans and a white sweater and declared it to be my outfit for the day/night.  The husband asked why I was all dressed up to cook and clean.  Uhhhhhhh - I don't know what you had in mind for me today - but I'm really not doing that much cooking OR cleaning.  I may wipe down the bathroom.  And sweep the kitchen floor.  And throw some appetizers out of the freezer into the oven.  But other than that, I'm not doing a damned thing. 

I was actually thinking about starting my party at noon and wrapping it up around 8 p.m.  Because there's something that happens at midnight.  Everyone gets a second wind and the next thing you know - - it's 4 a.m.  And you feel like ass all day the next day.  And sleep away yet another day of your life.  My heart's just not in it this year.  The brunette is going to a party and then coming back here - so I'll worry about her all night until she gets home.  With the drunks on the road.  We've already informed our party goers to plan on spending the night here - the thought of them on the road just makes me sick. 

I don't feel like loud music.  Or booze.  Or laughter.  Or singing.  I feel like curling up in my jammie pants and watching movies.  I'm old.  WAHHHHHHHHHHHH

Thursday, December 30, 2010


2010.  You've been a good year.  A year full of change and excitement and new adventure.  This will likely be my last post of 2010 as I doubt I add anything insightful on New Year's Eve.  And my apologies to my 5 followers - for going AWOL the last week.  I got hit by a train.  On Christmas.  And am just now starting to feel like a human being again.  In celebration of this recovery - I'm having a drink!  Which will no doubt cause me to slide back into my fogginess and slumber.  Oh well.  The only thing I have to do tomorrow is celebrate the old and ring in the new!

What a holiday season it's been.  I started off full of energy and spirit - working hard and listening to holiday tunes and baking cookies and filling the house with holiday cheer.  And then.  The Prodigal Son got home.  And that was fun!  For a night.  And then we haven't really seen him since.  Although he has only left the house twice.  There's something depressing about living under the same roof with another person and never seeing or talking to them.  Watching them live their life parallel to but separate from your own.  A life you're not really a part of.  I suppose this is how it is when you have adult aged children living in your home.  I'm thinking that maybe he should get his own place this summer and just stop by to visit from time to time.  I imagine this is God's way of preparing you to part with them and let them go lead their own lives.  I thought I would feel alive when he returned for a month.  I had big plans for us!  We would work out together.  Sing.  Drink a few brews.  Walk hand in hand through the grocery store.  But alas.  I feel dead with him here.  He sleeps all day and plays XBox all night and his friends come and go through here like we have a revolving door installed.  They're addicts.  XBox addicts.  And the energy they put into that game is sucking the life right out of my home.  I haven't heard any singing.  Or seen any dancing.  Or told any stories.  It's like a live version of Night of the Living Dead.  He leaves on January 9th.  I'll be happy to pack him up and send him back to HIS life.  The one that I drop in on from time to time.

We had a shlood on Christmas Eve (that's when the toilet overflows) - and that sent me into orbit because I've been telling the husband to replace the piece of shit for 5 years.  I have been telling him the last three months that it's getting worse and worse.  But he keeps telling me to "just wait" - blah blah blah - FUCK THAT.  From now on  - he either fixes the shit OR I'll hire someone to fix it.  I'm sick of living in a shambles of a house because he's "waiting on something". 

We did get to experience two angels at Christmas though!  The best damned cat we have was hit by a car the Wednesday before Christmas.  The first angel came in the form of my cousin's husband who fixed the cat's leg - for free!  YAY!!  She's in full recovery now and hopefully in a week or so we will see her moving around like her old normal self. 

The second angel came in the form of a stranger - who located the brunette's class ring in the mall bathroom (where she left it after washing her hands) - and happened to have a relative who attends the same school and was able to hunt down the brunette to return her ring.

But it was the loss of the ring itself that absolutely threw me forcefully back into reality.  The reality of the fact that I over-spend and over-give to my children.  In some lame attempt to give them what I perceive I did not have.  I've purchased $1,000 worth of trophy rings (2) for the Prodigal son.  I'm pretty sure he doesn't know where one of them is.  I gave him an iPod docking station for Christmas - he gave it back to me because he washed his iPod I gave him last year and therefore doesn't have any use for the docking station.  The brunette lost her class ring - the one she didn't have to wait until Christmas to receive.  Nor was it part of her Christmas gift.  (Fortunately that reappeared thanks for aforementioned angel).  But I give and give and give.  Do you know what they got me for Christmas?  Not one fucking thing.  Not even a god damned homemade card with their handprint on it.  Nothing.  A note on a post-it saying thanks for all you do and I love you would have sufficed.  But NOTHING. 

And I watched on Christmas Day as the children in our family tore open their gifts - ripping them - grasping for more boxes, drooling over the glitter and bows.  And when it was over - they ran off - leaving their gifts behind amid the piles of trash.  Off to play with something else.  Or talk on their phones.  Or text.  And then I looked at the adults.  The people who give all year to these little imps.  And we'd each received a small stack of things that we were very much appreciative of.  But it made no sense to me.  We couldn't afford to lavish each other with gifts because we'd given it all to the beasts throughout the year, yet they got the haul at Christmas also.  So in 2011 - it's a new day.  I'm NOT giving to my kids as lavishly as I have in past years.  They need to work.  And learn to make sacrifices.  And wear clothes that don't have designer labels on them.  And more than anything they need to learn the satisfaction of THE WAIT.  And at Christmas, they'll get one nice thing and that's IT.

Because baby, mama has waited 5 years now for a bathroom that doesn't have mold in the shower stall and a leaky floor and shitty (no pun intended) toilet - and this is MY year.  MY YEAR.  We're going to stop spending needlessly and start fixing and caring for the shit we have - namely this house.  And the great purge of 2010 will continue into 2011 - starting with the clothing.  And this means, my friends - that I CANNOT BUY ANY MORE CLOTHES OR SHOES.  For at least a week.  Oh hell, let's see how long I can go.  A few years ago I went all year without buying any - and guess what - we took a 10 day family vacation with the money I saved!  So back to the budget.  And the drawing board.  And into the new year.

I don't know how many posts I had in 2010 - but I can say that this blog is honestly one of the FEW things I ever started that I actually continued.  Maybe I will find its meaning next year.  Maybe it will be writ with humor and hilarity!  Or maybe I'll just whine and cry.  Hopefully I cried myself out over Christmas though.  Thank God for a husband with strong shoulders that allowed me to lean on him for those weepy days.

I'm going to continue with this blog in 2011.  I'm going to continue with my list making in 2011 as it's helped me tremendously in 2010.  And I hope to get off my ass, put down my smokes and beer and get out and live!!!  (Even though I'm scared to go out and live - I think the blonde would like to experience the world some and I'd love to be the one to show it to her - she still likes me). 

I'm getting a new bathroom.  I'm getting a new kitchen floor.  I'm getting a new roof.  And I'm going back to doing shit MY way.  Thanks for taking this journey with me and I wish you the best of 2011 also!!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

It's killing my Christmas spirit..

..... The Greed.  The selfishness.  The self-centeredness.  The "me" attitude. 

All of it.  THAT is what is killing my spirit. 

I mentioned previously the Prodigal Son hasn't stopped playing Xbox since he got home last week.  I haven't seen him more than an hour in a week.  He stays up all night and sleeps all day.  He wanders upstairs from time to time to eat some food, then he's back at it - playing Xbox.  And he has an entourage of friends that come by and play Xbox with him.  They have lined up multiple TVs and Xbox machines and lay there like fucking zombies playing the same game for hours upon end.  Rummaging through my cupboards at the damndest times.  The other night, it was midnight - and one of them was feasting and feasting and feasting.  It woke me up - the sound of the cabinet doors slamming.  The microwave beeping.  The drawers sliding in and out.  I was so infuriated that I threw on my robe and stormed down to the kitchen.  And in my glassy eyed fit of rage, with my head spinning on my shoulders, I yelled:  ARE YOU ALMOST FUCKING DONE EATING BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING LOUD AS FUCK AND I HAVE FUCKING HAD IT.  I WORK AND YOU GODDAMN PEOPLE SLEEP ALL DAY AND PLAY THAT FUCKING GAME ALL DAMNED NIGHT. 

He meekly apologized and I stomped back to bed.  Where I laid awake until 3 a.m.  Seething.  I met up with some other folks that evening who have kids at home for the break and they are experiencing the exact same thing so I felt better.  But it still pisses me off.  The giant forager apologized to me again the next day and I apologized for being a raging bitch - but explained that dinner is at a specified time - NOT at midnight. 

Last night, I made steak.  It's a treat.  I set the table for 6, thinking that was how many we had present.  And as I pulled the steaks off the grill, a 7th arrived and as he entered my house he said, "YUM!  Smells GREAT!  Can't wait - I'm starved!"  I almost cried.  I really did.  I almost went to my room to hide.  My husband talked me down off the ledge and I managed to choke down my dinner with some smiles and not kill anyone.  And after they'd feasted - they returned to the hole to play more Xbox. 

I feel so horrible.  They love me and think I'm great.  They're having the time of their lives.  Being total fuck ups - feeding their Xbox addiction on my dime.  And secretly, I'm loathing all of them.  I'm an enabler.  I need to change that.

The brunette is ALMOST about to kill me with her greed and selfishness.  Wants to go out to eat for lunch with her friends today.  Needs money.  Fuck that.  I already told you how sick I am of handing out money so kids can go out to eat.  I suggested that I would give her money if she would help me clean for the holidays.  No thanks.  She will find money elsewhere.  Then she feared she didn't get her BFF enough for Christmas - EXCUSE ME?  I fucking forked over $50 for that gift because she didn't have any money because she'd spent $30 on her goddamned secret santa.  What the fuck is wrong with kids now days?  I don't think I have EVER given my BFF a $50 gift - or a $30 gift for that matter.  And do you know what I'll get for Christmas from my kids in appreciation for all that I've given and done for them?  NOT A DAMNED THING.  Because they will have spent their wad on their friends.  I won't even get a fucking card.  It really makes me want to take all the gifts I've gotten for them and return them - then announce to them that I spent all my money on my BFF - the husband - and we are taking the blonde and going to Disneyland instead.  Leave them sitting here alone and without gifts for the remainder of the holiday. 

I've actually thought it all through and it really sounds like an appealing plan.  I still may do it.

The brunette starts a job tomorrow.  She asked how she would get there - uhhh - I will drive you.  But how will she get home?  Uhhh - you will call me when you get off work and I will fetch you.  NO.  THAT'S GAY!!!  I AM NOT SITTING THERE LIKE A DORK WAITING FOR YOU TO ARRIVE - WHY CAN'T I JUST TAKE YOUR CAR?

Seriously?  Well first off - you're 15 and only have about 10 hours of driving experience.  BUT MOST OF ALL - THAT IS MY FUCKING CAR.  I had to work A LOT of hours and years to afford a car that wasn't a complete piece of shit - and I'll be god damned if a 15 year old inexperienced driver is going to take it out unaccompanied EVER, let alone 2 days before Christmas when everyone on the road is an absolute idiot. 

Now, the blonde just came through - DEMANDING she be picked up from school today and taken somewhere special for lunch because she doesn't want to ride the bus home or eat a cold hamburger at school.  You're 8.  Get over it.

So you see, my desire to be giving and loving and clean my house and make it special for the holidays is G.O.N.E.  It was stolen by greed, selfishness and disrespect.  All I can see in front of me is a host of chores that will completed and left unappreciated and unnoticed for a bunch of people that will be disappointed they didn't get ALL the fucking shit they've asked for for Christmas, and won't appreciate that which they did get and I was willing to buy.

I'm thinking that return the gifts, head to Disneyland plan is looking better every day.  Food's in the fridge - knock yourselves out eating it - and since I'll be gone - go ahead and eat at fucking midnight - because THAT is normal.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

What a week....

Wait.  It's only Tuesday.  It seems like it should be about Thursday.  And I'm sorry - but it does not FEEL like Christmas week.  At all.  The blonde and the brunette haven't started their Christmas break yet and the prodigal son has been locked in his room playing Xbox since he came home last week.  And the husband is working.  So it's pretty much me and the dog pal - hanging out.  Listening to Christmas music.  And not feeling festive. 

And everyone is so damned grumpy.  Is it because it's a full moon?  I hope they all get over it soon - or better yet - just leave me the hell alone.  Seems that every person I deal with during the days is shitty.  And mean.  And just basically an asshole.  I thought maybe it was just ME - but others have commented on the overall grumpiness that abounds also.  I have tried and tired to disconnect from work this week - but the onslaught of emails and requests just keep pouring in.  And each one is shittier than the last.  I wish to hell they'd all take a break and go spread their joy elsewhere. 

I am going to go spread some festiveness to my dog.  Maybe bedazzle him a bit.  He'll enjoy that!

Friday, December 17, 2010

More on Don

You may or may not recall a few weeks ago when I told you about Don.  Well, he was my sacker again this week.  And this time I was determined to NOT get irritated with him.  He cannot help it if his brain gets stuck in a loop on one subject matter.  It's just not his fault.  And I love the way he sacks my groceries - so I still go to his line.  He had a helper today - it was the other dude - the one that puts each item in its own bag.  It annoys me - but he is also "special" - so I tolerate it - and the eleventy nine hundred bags I end up with.  Anyway - the non-Don asked if I wanted help out and I decided I did - because it was cold and the buggy was pretty heavy.  Well non-Don was NOT happy.  He tried to kill me with his eyes.  But then Don piped in and said, "I can do it - I'll help you out - I have on a sweater"  - so off we went.  Me & Don.

As soon as we hit the door, I turned to Don and asked, "Are you sure you'll be okay without your coat, Don?  It's pretty cold out.."

No - no - I'll be fine - I've had an awful lot of coffee today.  I like coffee - I tend to drink too much of  it on most days and sometimes that is all I have because I get so busy drinking the coffee I just forget to do anything else - so I'm pretty warm from all that coffee and all and it's mainly because I really like coffee - and I don't realize how much I've had and.......

OH HELL NO DON!  We are NOT having a repeat of last time I was here when you totally pissed me off because your brain got stuck in a loop and then I felt shitty guilty for a week for having mean thoughts about you.  OH HELL NO!

So - I turned to Don and interrupted, "Do you eat Don?  Do you like food?"

Yes.. I like food. Sometimes I like food too much and I can't stop eating food - I do love food.  All kinds of food actually - see I like to eat food.  It's a weakness of mine.  Food.  I like food - all ki...

So DON - what else do you like?

Music.  I love music.  I love to listen to music.  Especially when I eat food.  But I listen to music all the time - I'd be listening to the music right now if I could because I love music.  It makes me happy - I love mu.

What kind of music Don?

All kinds - I love all kinds of music - I really do - I love music - all kinds of music - they're all pretty much my favorite - because I love music and it really doesn't matter what kind of music it is - I love it all - because I just love mu..

Don!  Let's put these bags from my trunk into the back seat.

And he did - and then he narrated what he was doing with my groceries - how he was putting them into my trunk and where things belong and I heard him say that sometimes he knows a few things - not often - but sometimes he really does know some stuff and he knows what he's talking about - although not often - but in this instance - the other sacker had put glass items in a single bag and that was ALL WRONG - glass goes in double bags - and that's the way it's done - he doesn't know much - but he knows how to sack groceries and he knows a few things here and there and that's one thing he DOES know.

I stood there in the cold - listening to Don - forcing him out of his brain loops - insisting he move the conversation forward with me.  I wanted to hug him.  But since I'd already kissed the granny cashier for carding me  - I couldn't bring myself to hug Don.  But I really wanted to.  I wished him a Merry Christmas - and he returned the greeting to me - and off he went - through the parking lot - talking.  Likely about Christmas as that was our last topic.  I love Don.  Every time I drive home from the grocery store - I am filled with joy and warm feelings - and it's because of people like Don and the lovely granny who carded me - I love my store.  I can't wait to go back!!!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Shhhhhh - Please! Mommy needs her space!

Yesterday, I had to take the brunette to the ortho first thing bright and early in the morning, then we headed to the Walmarts to get her some fugly black pants for her new job - that she starts on CHRISTMAS EVE -thankyouverymuch employer.  Then off to the mall we went.  She's a good shopper - she walks fast and she makes quick decisions.  That's the kind of person I like to shop with.  And she did NOT get irritated with me when I couldn't make a decision and we had to back track the mall a few times.  It's not a big mall anyway - so it's not like walking it 12 times is a big deal.

I love watching her and listening to her when she pays for her items.  She's polite to the sales clerks, says please and thank you.  Uses the word "yes" instead of "uh huh".  She immediately returns her debit card to her wallet in its proper place and places her receipt carefully in an assigned spot within that same wallet.  It's not easy to shop with her though - because she asks my opinion of things, "Don't you love these, mommy?"  And I have a problem with honesty, so I respond, "Sure.  I wouldn't be caught dead in them - but if you love them, then you should get them."  As far as 15 yr old girls go though - she dresses quite conservatively, so if a giant pair of faux diamond earrings is her attention getting factor - then I feel pretty damned lucky! 

After we finalized our Christmas shopping and secured our goodies in the trunk - I offered to buy her lunch.  She chose Subway.  Girl loves her $8 turkey sandwich!  But even then - as she ordered, I watched her and listened to her.  Turkey.  No cheese.  And she picks almost ALL the vegetables.  Just leaves the onions off - like me!  And when we got back into the car with her food, she said, "that big guy working there was really nice - don't you think he was nice?"  I did actually.  And since her new job is in the food service industry - I hope she remembers what it feels like to be a customer and be treated nicely by someone at the counter.  I've got to think she'll be a star employee because girl just does the shit she's supposed to do without being reminded to do it - and she's a perfectionist.

And when I dropped her off at school - she kissed me and thanked me and we told each other we'd enjoyed our time together (which we had) and I watched her walk into the building.... taller than me.  Still a little girl - but yet so grown up.  Getting almost a perfect 4.0 GPA - without us ever having to even ask about school work.  Pushing herself to be exceptional.  Making good decisions about her actions.  In control.  That's what I love about that girl.  She's in control.  And at that moment - I was so proud.  And felt so very very blessed to have such a wonder daughter.  Even if her 15 yr old hormones do come out raging and lashing out at us periodically - she's a sight to behold and has the brains to back it!!

Then off to a 4 hour meeting I went.  Then straight from there into a conference call.  And while I'm trying to listen to a customer - the brunette is asking me questions on paper - then the blonde got home and then the husband arrived and it was just total chaos.  I was reeling out of control.  I could feel it.  The flurry of activity in the house - I felt RUSHED for some reason.  And then it finally hit me - I never had any alone time yesterday.  I've gotten so used to being alone - that when I wasn't - I felt panicked.  And I started yelling and snapping at everyone.  Then they all yelled back at me - telling me I yell too much.  But everywhere I went in the house to get under control - one of them followed.  I went to the bathroom - they spoke to me through the door.  I went to the garage - one came out to ride a scooter and keep me company.  I went to the basement - they followed.  If it hadn't been freezing rain outside - I could have left - but I was literally TRAPPED.

I felt bad for yelling.  And I felt even more guilty for being so irritated by their fascination with and desire to be with me.  I have GOT to remember to take some "me" time each day as we enter Christmas break.  Lest, I will spend the entire break screaming at the whole lot of them.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I survived!

The mall opens at 9 a.m. during the Holidays!!!  YAY!!!  The brunette's ortho appointment is at 8:30 - it will take about 2 minutes - then we can head straight to the mall!  I think that's one thing that normally irritates me about the mall - WAITING FOR IT TO OPEN.  But not today friends - not today.  It will be open and waiting for me!  HA MALL!  I win!!!

We DID go to the blonde's Christmas program and the brunette went and she did NOT have a shitty attitude about it!  She offered to fix the blonde's hair - and get her ready - whilst I ran frantically around the house looking for a shirt that was purchased for the blonde to wear to the program.  It's gone.  I have no idea where it is.  None.  I have a feeling the blonde disposed of it so she wouldn't have to wear it - because it had lace on the bottom and girl does hate lace.  But I've lost shit before that turned out to be right in front of my face - so who knows where it really is.  I don't care anymore - it's over and done with!  The program was not horrible - well at least not until the older kids performed and conducted a play/skit.  Then I could only last for 1/2 of that shit and we left.  The older kids  - bleh.  They've lost their lust for singing and act bored and it's miserable to watch.  I think you have to HAVE a child that age to appreciate the whole thing.  If you don't know the kids - they're NOT cute to watch like the little ones are.  The little ones are so cute - and excited - and sing with all of their heart! 

And as I watched them sing - tucked in between the brunette and the husband - each of them alternating their tapping on my shoulder - the brunette bringing my attention to a child dressed in an unfortunate dress that looked like Bo Peep - the husband teary eyed and reminding me that the kids grow up so fast - it was hard for me to have any feelings other than I was glad for the perfect seat I snagged - where I could set up my tri-pod and get some pictures - and praying I didn't snap and yell at the kid behind me who was continually kicking  my seat.  And when it was time for us to leave - a sense of relief  I MADE IT!!!!  I got through another Christmas program!  And I beat those fuckers at their own game.  The note said to arrive at 6:45 - which I did last year.  Only to find EVERY parking space and EVERY seat taken.  And the damned thing is held at the HIGH SCHOOL to accommodate the crowd.  REALLY?  REALLY?

So this year - I got there at 6:15 - HA!  Front row parking AND a perfect seat in the balcony!!  It's only taken me 13 years - but I have this gig down now!!  You cannot over over-achieve me.  I will beat you at your game!!! 

I laughed as I looked around at the people.  Many were holding a single flower - to give to their child after the performance.  Seriously?  It's an elementary school Christmas program.  There were no auditions and all the kids are REQUIRED to participate.  This giving of the flower to a child after this type of performance - it's THIS SHIT that causes them to expect pomp and circumstance on the night of their Sophomore year homecoming equivalent to that of Lady Di's wedding.  This celebration of every move.  It's over-the-top in my opinion.  Or maybe I'm just a sour old wretch.  They have graduations from pre-school, kindergarten, elementary school, and middle school - and each one comes with about the same pomp as high school graduation.  I've bitched about this before I think.  But when we look at the kids that are coming out of high school and college and we ask, "why are they so lazy? Why do they not understand you have to work for something to achieve results?" 

Well.... it started when you had them wearing the mortar board and tassle when they passed pre-school at the age of 4.  That's why.  And threw roses on the stage when they sang Jingle Bells in kindergarten.  And when you rented them a limo for their 6th grade graduation?  Well that pretty much sealed the deal.  The brunette is coming up on 16 - I do want to do something special for her.  And I will likely do something a little over the top - just because I know it's a big deal for her - to feel special on her Sweet 16 - but please know when I do it - I won't necessarily be in agreement with it!

Okay - I'm off - - - to the MALL!!!!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Blabbity Blabbity on a Tuesday

So yesterday, after a surprise luncheon meeting, I decided I would zip over to the Walmarts and get myself some flannel lounging pants.  I don't own a pair.  And I have no clue why.  The trip was a success and when I got home, I of course had to wash them before I could wear them.  So while they swished away in the machines, I walked on the treadmill.  And when I was done - I changed into these delightful little pieces of heaven on earth - flannel lounge pants.  I'm in love.  And it was then that I decided that I would wear them every day for the next two weeks. 

Until I remembered... I have to attend a meeting IN the office this morning and then tonight I have the blonde's Christmas program.  And on Wednesday, the brunette has an ortho appt, needs to go to the mall and then I have a meeting to attend that will take all afternoon.  FINE.  BUT AFTER that meeting - I'm putting on those lounge pants and wearing them for the next two weeks. Seriously.  I mean it!!

The mall.  Bleh.  I have worked VERY hard to do all of my shopping online this year.  And then - the brunette announces, "I NEED to go to the mall - to get a Secret Santa gift."  Really?  Because the MALL is the only damned place in town that sells shit?  I wanted to scream.  I think I did actually.  I believe I suggested she find something around the house her secret pal would enjoy and just wrap it up.  My suggestion was of course met with stomping and huffing and puffing and door slamming.  When I suggested her attitude was shitty - she informed me that WE give her the bad attitude.  Well thank God I have an explanation.  Now WE can change our wicked ways - I expect things to settle down over here from this point forward. 

Anyway - I was on the treadmill when I got the news about the trip to the mall and my blood pressure sky-rocketed.  I'd been on the thing for about 20 minutes when I got the news.  So I had no choice - but to stay on it for another 40 minutes at 4 mph until I could get myself settled down.  And it was during that time that it hit me - she has an ortho appt in the morning - why not just zip by the mall after that - I could pick up a gift for the Prodigal Son's g/f (never sure if they're on or off so hadn't purchased anything yet) - she could get her secret pal a gift.  We'd be in and out and I'd have her back to school by lunch and I could make my noon meeting!  I heard exercise clears your foggy brain - and I guess it does!  YAY! 

Stupid Mall. 

Ah the annual Christmas program tonight.  CANNOT wait!!!  The brunette is already pissed and slamming doors because I'm making her go.  Which I think is totally rude and self-centered.  It actually turns my stomach a little to see her throw such a fit about attending her sister's program.  She was all about it until last night - when she found out there was a game of some sort she would like to attend instead.  And I denied that request.  Oh what a treat she will be this evening.  The blonde is so excited!  And that's the only reason I'm looking forward to it.  Truth be told - I will cry.  I always do when I see the darling little ones singing on stage.  But then the older ones like 5th & 6th grade appear and I'm over it.  My plan tonight is to depart BEFORE the older ones take the stage.  That way I can leave with the sweet memories etched in my brain.  I hope that plan pans out!

Monday, December 13, 2010


So this morning, the blonde was preparing to leave for school and I gathered her up and said, "Here honey - let mommy zip your coat for you - it's freezing out there - you'll need it zipped up."  As I zipped her coat, she forlornly said, "All my friends are able to zipper their coats by themselves and I'm not."

Well, some mothers MIGHT have used that as a teaching opportunity.  But I'm not THAT kind of mother.  So I quickly replied:

"Sweetie - that is because all of the other mothers are lazy and don't love their children as much as I love you.  If they did love their children as much as I love you and if they weren't so damned lazy - they would be zippering their children's coats also." 

HA!  I WIN!!!! 

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Friday Shot to Hell

So I had a major list of shit I really wanted to accomplish on Friday.  Most of it was related to work - projects I want to get wrapped up before Monday morning.  Some related to home.  The ONLY thing I got accomplished was going to the grocery store though.  Why?  Well, I will show you why:

THAT was right outside my house.  And somehow - I missed the whole event when it happened.  I was on the phone - I got off the phone.  The dog was barking - I opened the front door and was like - WTF IS THAT?  I looked closer and it was a car - in the culvert.  So I hurried and called 911 - they assured me they'd already been notified and help was on the way - and then they told me the driver was out of the car and uninjured.  Good enough.

And as I was about to carry on with my life - I looked out again - because I'm nosey like that - and noticed a kid sitting on the curb.  Well FUCK - it's a kid.  Now I HAVE to go out there and see if he's okay for myself.  And so I did.  Two other passersby had pulled him out and one was still there standing with him.  I talked to him and took care of him for the 1/2 hour it took the damned cops to show up - and then his mom showed up and I entertained the two of them.  FOR 4 HOURS.  It took 4 HOURS to get the report filed, the road measured and the damned tow truck to get the car out of the culvert.

It was nice out today -about 60 probably - so I didn't really mind standing out there with them.  I offered them sodas and allowed them to use my bathroom and when it was finally all over - they both hugged me.  I felt warm and fuzzy and good. I  no longer cared that I hadn't accomplished anything I'd set out to accomplish that day.  Instead - I'd accomplished something so much larger than I ever set out to do - I offered fellowship to strangers in need. For that young man (a senior in high school) to approach me and HUG ME at the end of the ordeal - it just really really warmed my heart and soul and I felt so....

Human.  Complete.  Happy.... BLESSED.  To have made a difference in someone else's life. Now if I could just figure out how to treat my family members with the same grace............

Friday, December 10, 2010

Ramblings around the house

The water lines to the washer have sprung a leak somewhere - so this is how my washer has looked for two days:

That does NOT make me happy.  What you cannot see, but does exist, is a large hole cut out of the wall below the valves now.  I'm unsure as to why that was necessary - but the husband assures me it was.  I think he was just in the mood to tear some shit up.  It's his favorite part of any job and of late - he's just been "fixing" and not destroying - so I think he just needed to tear something up.  He assures me he'll have it fixed today.  I'm not holding my breath because every day he tells me it'll get done - then announces he's missing a part he really needs to complete the task.  I think it's his way of controlling me.  I'm paranoid like that.

But I'm not going to let that get me down and spoil my holiday spirit!  No no no siree!  So I took a walk around the house to look at my favorite Christmas decorations.  I'll share them with you here.

I love this shiny little purple tinsel tree!  It makes me smile every time I see it!  So I put it in the bathroom for all to enjoy!  There's just something about purple Christmas decor that draws me in - it's so.....unexpected!

And I love this wooden picture - the neutral colors - it's so serene and understated in its beauty.  It's got a touch of glitter on it which captures your attention and just draws you in.  I purchased it at a local GARDEN store several years ago.  Since then, I return to that store annually - to see what other treasure they might have for me!

I love these silly gals with their purses and extreme hats!  Their colors are great also - kind of a lime green with red - again - totally unexpected and whimsical!  And this great red glittered "Believe" sign.  I've never assembled these 4 pieces in this arrangement - but this year it just came to me - and I love it!

A tin print of passed out Santa - it makes me laugh every time I look at it.  I bought it in a year I could totally relate and it was my favorite piece that year.  I don't really share this sentiment this year - but it still makes me smile, so I displayed it anyway.

And last up:

My sweet canine buddy.  He's not allowed on the furniture - but since I started working from home - he has claimed this chair as his own (hence the throw over it) because he can sit in it and watch both me at my desk AND see out the window and keep an eye on the goings on outside.  It's his daily post.  He also ALWAYS carries a stuffed animal (or 5) in his mouth at all times. This happened to be the one he lifted from the blonde's room on that day.  He makes me smile and brings me happiness throughout each day - he listens to me and seems to really appreciate me.  And I appreciate him and his innocent face!
Have a great day!

Thursday, December 9, 2010


Last night, after a VERY long meeting (all day) in the office, I returned home to:

The husband wandering around the kitchen - wondering what to make for dinner
The brunette laying in her cozy bed amongst her eleventy nine hundred pillows - facebooking
The blonde - working on MY computer
The dog - wagging his tail like he'd found his long lost friend

The house was a mess.  None of the daily chores had been done  - as I had left the house at 6:30 a.m. and it was now 6:00 p.m.  And you know what?  I didn't care!  I just felt this huge sense of relief to be HOME.  I quickly changed into my jammies and a sweater and we threw together some tomato soup and grilled cheese and gathered around the kitchen table to eat and chat.  Our nightly routine.  Eating dinner at the table with the kids has been something we've always incorporated into our lives.  It's only a rare occasion when we don't do this.  We tested the blonde on her upcoming spelling words.  Then the brunette named all the bones in the body for her anatomy test.  Then I showed off my knowledge of human anatomy by breaking out in a rendition of "Head & Shoulders, Knees & Toes (knees & toes)."  The brunette wasn't outwardly amused -but I know deep down she really was!  I especially loved the part where the brunette got to her elbow and paused, "what is this called?"  And the blonde offered her assistance, "It's an ELBOW." 

Of course it is.

Then we piled onto the couches and watched "The Sing Off" - what a great display of unadulterated talent!  It's such a treat to trip across shows like this.  Anyway - as I padded around the house in my slippers - I felt so.... at ease.  So comfortable and content.  Maybe it was the two glasses of wine.  The bottle did say "RELAX" on it - and that I was.  Regardless, I looked around and the house wasn't crammed full of the normal overload on Christmas decorations - there are a few in each room - just enough to make the house look festive - but not the usual "every inch is decorated Christmas" chaos going on.  It feels good.  To not be crowded out by the masses of decorations.  And it feels good to be able to work from home and enjoy the decorations and tree and Christmas music all day, every day.  I missed that yesterday while I was at the office.  And it hit me...

Had I always been forcing the Christmas spirit because I felt left out or that I had abandoned my family unit by trudging into an office each day?  Is THAT why I over-decorated the house?  The brunette doesn't seem to think we have enough decorations out.  But I feel the spirit more than I have in years past - when I would have 2-3 hours a day in my home - and it was spent in a flurry of activity trying to prepare for the holidays.  Cussing the Santas that were in my way.  Constantly rearranging the shit so I could move.  Never smiling.  Rushing to get it all done.  But not this year.  I can move.   I can breathe.  Christmas music blares out from every electronic in the house - from every room.  We're lying around together - watching TV.  Or the other night I was working in my office and the girls joined me in that room and studied while I worked - Christmas music accompanying our efforts.  There hasn't been any yelling. Or any sense of rushing.  And I hear the sound of my daughters' voices singing Christmas songs as they move about the house.  I don't recall hearing them sing in prior years.  Was I not listening?  Or were they not singing?

I have actually taken the time, during the day, to stand at the tree and admire each and every ornament.  Remembering (or attempting to remember) which child it was given to and when.  Some are labeled.  Most are not.  Thinking about where our lives were then and where they are now.  And thinking how the blonde's life is so different than the older two's lives. 

Last year we had so much snow at Christmas.  SO MUCH SNOW.  And we were all a little perplexed as plans continued to get canceled - sitting around - staring at each other - wondering what we should do to pass the time now that our plans had changed.  This year I'm actually a tad saddened that we haven't had that snow - the type that leaves you stuck at home - just so we can sit - alone - just us - and play and relax.  I hope we get that when the Prodigal Son comes home for Christmas Break.  I hope if we do, he'll come out of his cave and join us for our fun.  I'm ready! I've ordered movies and games and stocked up the pantry with baking supplies. 

And I'm so very very thankful for the gift of ROWE - being able to work when I want from where I want.  The gift of MY TIME has been one of the greatest blessings ever.  And has forever changed my life.  And hopefully the lives of my family members- who spent so many years with me absent during this time of year because I had to get food on the table.  Now.  I'm still providing.  But in many many ways  - not just financially.  It's the greatest feeling to have your cake and eat it too!!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Unsolved Mystery....

WTF is the fascination with going out to eat amongst teenagers?  I don't get it.  It's no wonder more than 2/3 of them are overweight.  Is there some mysterious draw to fast food?  I spend hundreds of dollars each month on groceries.  I make up menus in advance, I try to get a good variety of healthy  foods that the kids enjoy.  And yet, I find myself forking over additional money ALL.THE.TIME for fucking fast food.  It pisses me off.  That's what it does.  And starting in 2011 - shit's gonna change.  You don't need any of that greasy, high fat, no nutritional value shit.  Food is provided - - - at home.  It's those goddamned school lunches - that's what it is.  It gives them a load of carbs and then their little bodies are screaming out for more!  Must run to Sonic after school - must get carbs!  Must have them - - - NOW!!!

With the Prodigal Son - it's different.  He has a meal plan with his dorm - as I recall it was quite expensive.  But I'm guessing he sleeps through the meals and misses them - so then he goes out to eat and next thingyaknow - he's spent his gettin' home gas money on fucking fast food.  Nevermind the meal plan.  Nevermind the fact that I buy him extra snacks and shit that he doesn't need.  He spends all the money on fast food.  I think he burned $2,500 or so on fast food last summer.  Uhhhh - that was your college spending money dumbass.  And you fucking ate it.

So for 2011 - it's a new day for me.  I'm not shelling out anymore money for fast food (unless they are on a field trip or something - then of course they have to eat and I understand that) - they can fucking eat the food that is provided and already paid for.  Then, once a month, me the husband - we're taking that extra cash and we're going out to eat so I have one night where I don't have to cook or clean.  Fuck it.  Its MY money - I worked my ass off to get it and by God, I'm spending it on ME.

You can eat peanut butter & jelly or go hungry.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

And then I accidentally got drunk..........

On Nyquil.  Who knew?  It wasn't the liquid kind - it was the gel cap kind.  And I guess I normally take that stuff then head on to bed....but last night I took it, then remembered the Sing Off was on and I wanted to watch it.  And I was drunk.  And getting drunker by the second.  I couldn't remember who was who and what they were singing.  But I remember they were good.  Or so it seemed, in my drunken state.  I won't make that mistake again.... but since I'm not hung over this morning, maybe I'll just start taking Nyquil instead of Whiskey when I want to get a buzz on.  It's a consideration.  Of sorts.

After I bragged blogged about staying on budget with my online shopping yesterday, I got on Amazon and ordered another round of goodies for people.  I think that I'm officially done with my ordering shopping.  That means all gifts should arrive here by the 14th and I can get them all wrapped and put the wrapping supply mess away and get my dining room back in order!  Today I need to run to Hobby Lobby and get some frames - they're on sale this week, like they are every other week.  And I might go to Kohl's for a sweater.  And I see I have 3 meetings on my agenda.  And I have to wrap up a project for an all-day meeting tomorrow. And somewhere in there the brunette and I need to go by and clean the office.

I've been listening to Christmas music now for several days. I did finally go out and purchase the Martina McBride Christmas CD because I'd heard enough of it on Pandora that I determined it was worth the purchase.  And it was only $7 thankyouverymuch Walmarts! 

Well, evidently I have nothing interesting nor funny to add to this - so that's it for now - perhaps I'll run into some humor along the way today and share it with you!

Monday, December 6, 2010

It's Monday.  Again. The weekend was pretty low key as it appears the husband, the blonde and myself are all attempting to get sick - but fighting it off with all of our might.  So we spent quite a bit of time sleeping.  Maybe we're getting ourselves prepared for later this month when activities and festivities will rule the universe and sleep will become a rarity?  Kind of like squirrels preparing for winter?  I had 10 hours of sleep last night and I'm still exhausted.  Maybe I'll get a nap in today?!  That would be wonderful!  I love naps and think everyone should have one daily!

I have a horribly busy week ahead...AGAIN.  Last week was total chaos for some reason.  Projects were taking longer than originally anticipated, shit was coming up at the last minute - it was just total insanity.  Let's pray that this week isn't a repeat.  I actually have some meals planned out for the week - things with lots of vitamins and vegetables - hoping to build up everyone's immune systems as we move into this winter wonderland!  Last year I was so "on the ball" with the immune building plan - this year I feel like I'm behind the ball and trying to catch up. 

Anyway - I've been listening to Christmas music on Pandora and after 3 or 5 days of listening to it non-stop - I've decided to purchase the Martina McBride Christmas CD.  Some of the songs have this great middle-Eastern sound to them - and her voice is so lovely.  And I've decided to buy ALL the Jessica Simpson Christmas CD's and burn them - ALL of them - woman cannot sing.  And she shouldn't be allowed on the radio.  Or Pandora.  Or anywhere else.  I was told I could get a better selection if I streamed through my laptop instead of my iPhone - but then I would have to purchase speakers for the laptop - and blah blah blah - it was just getting too expensive - all I wanted to do was hear some Christmas music!  For FREE!!!  And something more than the same 5 songs over and over.  But that's what has happened on Pandora's free app for iPhone - I'm now hearing the same 10 songs over and over.  And that makes me sad.  I think there are other stations - I'll have to try to figure out how to get to those and mix it up a little today!

I see on my gift list, I only have two people for whom I have purchased nothing.  Why do I ALWAYS end up with these two people lacking a gift?  Why don't I tackle them first?  They are always the most difficult to buy for.  And I usually end up getting them each the same thing every year.  How boring.  And non-personal.  Dang it.  I'm likely stuck this year again.  Here's your obligatory g/c!  Merry Christmas!  B.O.R.I.N.G.

I've gone pretty light on Christmas this year.  And I'm proud of myself for sticking to my intended budget.  Online shopping has really helped with that.  I determined what I wanted to spend.  Then I determined what I wanted to purchase - then I shopped online for those items.  Using coupons and promo codes, etc. as they became available.  Every day there is at least one, if not multiple, deliveries here - and I just simply wrap the item as it arrives - or save it for the blonde to wrap when she gets home from school.  It's been SO non-stressful this way.  AND I will not have the after-Christmas angst of having over-spent like I normally do.  See - about this time of year when I go to the stores - I just start buying.  And buying.  And buying.  And then one person ends up with a lot of gifts, so I have to even the score with the other kids and pretty soon, I've spent the whole budget on just the kids.  I vowed to NOT do that this year.  And so far, I've adhered to that plan.  Thanks to Al Gore and the innernets.  Although I do need to go get some stocking stuffers and such - but if I could THINK about what those would be - I could get those online also! 

Maybe I'll peruse the lines today and see what I can come up with..........

Thursday, December 2, 2010

You'll NEVER make any friends that way........

Today I ran in to do my weekly grocery shopping - I like to do it on Thursdays because there are fewer people AND my favorite sacker works on Thursdays!  YAY!  I love Don.  He is mentally challenged.  I'm not being facetious people - I'm serious here - he does.  Don't ask how I know - I just know.  I can tell.  I'm smart that way.  Anyway - Don - he's probably in his 60's or so.  And I always look for the line that he's working and I always go through his line.  I.LOVE.THE.WAY.HE.PACKS.MY.GROCERIES.

It's eerie like he's been to my house before - the way he packs my groceries - it literally only takes me 5  minutes to put away an entire week's worth of goodies if he's packed my bags.  He's amazing!!  So last time I was there - a couple weeks ago - I was in his line and I commented to the checker that I loved Don and he does an amazing job with sacking the groceries - perfect every time!  Unlike the one dipshit that puts every item in its own bag.  Or his twin brother that puts ALL the items in ONE bag and you can't lift the damned thing.  Don is just perfect.  The checker gave me a fake smile and that look - you know the one, "You're a crazy fucker!"  So I said it again.  And she gave me the same look and fake smile.  I thought, man!  That's rude - none of these people are nice to Don.  None of the checkers EVER speak to him - it's like he's invisible or something.

So, me - being the nice person I am - spoke to Don the last time I was there.  I told him he does a great job and I love the way he sacks my groceries.  He acted embarrassed and continued talking to himself under his breath.  I usually listen to him to make sure he's not plotting to go postal or something.  And typically what's coming out of his mouth is totally benign.  Chatter about the groceries he's packing and walking himself through how they should be packed, etc.

So TODAY - I go through Don's line and he must have remembered me or something - because he immediately greeted me and asked me how I was.

Don:  Hi!  How are you today?

Me:  I'm fine thank you Do..

Don: I'm pretty good too myself.  All things considering and all.  I mean it could be better but it could be worse and all. But for the most part I'm really pretty good.  I mean all things considering. Some days are better than others and then others are worse but for the most part I'd say I'm pretty good.  All things considering and all.  I mean it could be worse I think.  No.  I know it  could be worse.  But I know it could be better too.  So I'm not sure.  But yes, for the most part and all things considering I'm pretty good.  The eggs go in this sack here so that's where I'll put them.  But since you asked, I'm pretty good.  For the most part. Could be better, could be worse.  But I'm not complaining other than it could be better.  I'm going to put this sack over here because it's heavy and all and that seems like a good idea.  But I'm not that bad.  I know I could be worse but I'm sure I could be better.

Me: {nodding and constantly smiling at don} {fake, pursed lip smile to the checker} {DON!  SHUT.THE.FUCK.UP.  you will NEVER make any friends if you seriously do not .SHUT.THE.FUCK.UP}

Don:  So on the good days I'm pretty good and on the bad days I could be better but that's life I guess, I mean isn't that what they say anyway?  I mean could be better could be worse?


Don:  Do you want help out with that because I can help you out with that because today I'm pretty good but other da......

Me:  NO.  Thank you Don.  You have a VERY nice day.

And all the way home I laughed.  Poor Don.  He got stuck on a subject matter and could not get out of his endless loop of chattering about better and worse. But seriously - he'll never make any friends that way.  And it occurred to me why, when I go through his line, regardless of the checker, they are not speaking - they never say a single word.  Well no shit.  They are afraid if they speak they will get nevershutsthefuckup Don going.

I think I'll buy Don a Christmas present.  He can't help it if he got stuck in a loop.  It happens to me too.  But usually I've had eleventy five whiskeys at the time.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

And the whirlwind continues............

Yesterday turned into another insanely busy day for me.  Oddly enough, I wasn't annoyed by the flurry of activity - but instead I felt rather blessed and encouraged by it.  I have quite a few tubs of Christmas decorations lying about.  My typical approach to the holiday decorating is to drag out every tub I have and one by one set out every single thing I have.  Last year I think we knocked the process out in less than an hour.  Me, unpacking the items, barking out orders to helpers "this goes over there - NO! NOT like that dumbass - like this - Jesus can you not remember what it looked like last time?  THAT is how it goes."  It was NOT joyful.  And when it was finished, I barked out some more orders, "Now get those empty tubs put away.  This house looks like shit." 

This year, I'm trying a different approach.  I think I already mentioned that I'm only putting up one tree this year instead of two.  And I let the kids decorate that tree.  There was something "off" about that tree.  Every time I walked by it in the daylight and could really see the decorations, there was something that made my OCD kick into high gear.  Something that caused me to NOT want to look at it because it made me nervous and anxious.  I'm happy to report that yesterday, I figured out WHAT the exact problem was.  It was this damned "sugar-coated" candy garland.  See, there wasn't enough of it to properly go around the bigger tree that we're using this year as it was purchased for a smaller sized tree.  So we had just kind of draped it on the tree - here and there - and it stuck out like a turd in a punch bowl.  HERE I AM!!! THE CANDY GARLAND!!!  SEE ME?!!!    Yeh.  I see you - you fucking candy garland - you're making me nervous and upsetting me.  So I just marched right over to that tree and tore it off.  All of it.  And instead of placing each crappy strand into it's own ziploc baggie for safekeeping, I wadded up all the strands and threw them in an empty tub.  HA!!!  I can deal with that mess when I put the decorations away in January.  I'll regret that move - but when I turned around and looked at the tree - I saw 18 years of love and memories - 18 years worth of ornaments the kids have made and collected and received. 

Ornaments I purchased for the kids when there was no money for ornaments.  Crappy little plastic figurines that I paid 50 cents for.  And I remember how they smiled with joy when they got them - because the prior year the tree had been nothing more than red ribbon bows for decor.  Their little eyes sparkling and their squeals of delight - "Look!! I got a Mickey Mouse!"  "Look!  I got a guitar!"  The ornaments my mom has given them each year.  The ones I have given them each year - representing their interests at the time.  All beautifully displayed on the tree and easy to see and appreciate without that fucking candy garland in the way.  I was so pleased with myself that I just walked around the tree - fondling each ornament and letting the memories come back to me.  Where once the little black converse shoe ornament adorned the lowest branches because that was as high as the Prodigal son could reach, it now hangs on the highest branch - because he's as tall as the tree now and the blonde gets the lowest branches.  The tree is now PERFECT!!

But it was missing the skirt.  So I marched to the basement, dug through some more tubs and found the skirt - then marched back up and got it set up.  And then I wrapped the presents that the UPS dude had delivered and placed them around the tree.  There.  NOW it looks like Christmas.  And then I started digging in other tubs that were out.  And I as I unwrapped each item, I made a decision - do I love this?  Does it bring me joy?  And if the answer was no - then it went back to the tub.  And only my absolute favorite things that make me smile made their way out for display.  The things that cause me to giggle with joy.  And I placed them randomly around the house - in placed they had never been before.  It was great fun!  I still have 12 tubs to go through.  But I'm not doing it all at once - I'm doing it during breaks I take between work projects and meetings.  So it's like a little treat for me!  And somehow in the process, I am finding the joy in my heart that I know exists and should shine through this time of year. 

I was crazy busy with work yesterday also.  Worked all day.  Spent time with the family and then worked some more into the night.  But it's okay - because it's warm in the house, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, and I'm not being a raging control freak bitch about it!!  I think I might have even heard the girls giggling with each other this morning!  It's going to be another great day!!!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Holy Bejebus............

Yesterday was the wind on Sunday...but more relentless.  I got up early and immediately started working as I had several items come through over the holiday weekend that required my attention.  Unfortunately, they all turned out to be far more involved than I originally thought.  I think I sat down at my computer at 6 a.m. and continued at it until 5 p.m., at which time I took the blonde & the brunette into town so I could pick up some documents at the office, then zip over to Hobby Lobby to pick up a few items that were on sale.  It was probably 7 p.m. when I sat back down at the computer to finish up a project and then close to midnight when I got to bed.  And then.........

I could not sleep.  Too wound up.  Hungry.  Dog was snoring.  Husband was snoring.  Cold.  Night Sweats.  WHAT IS THAT NOISE?  Is it reindeer on the roof?  Ah sleep.... why must you escape me right now? 

December is always a busy month for me.  The actual number of days between Thanksgiving and Christmas seem to get fewer and fewer each year.  So much to do.  So many presents to buy.  So insane that we have made Christmas into this.  But I ordered a lot of gifts online and they started arriving yesterday - that UPS guy will be tired of making trips out here - I think he was here three different times yesterday.  But last night I purchased some gift wrap, so my plan of attack is to wrap the gift as soon as it arrives on the porch - thus avoiding my normal 12 hour gift wrapping marathon that typically ensues this time of year.  Ah yes - I have a plan!! 

I found out yesterday that I have a meeting IN the office NEXT WEEK  - that begins at 7:30 a.m.  What.the.fuck?  I will have to be there by 7 a.m. - which means I'll need to leave here at 6:45, which means I'll have to get my ass out of bed by - - - what?  5:00?  I'm ALREADY in a panic.  And that's likely why I couldn't sleep last night - fear of failing to wake up on time NEXT WEEK.  Why?  Why do people want to start meetings so damned early?  Don't they know I roll out of bed and work in my jammies for several hours?  That's the way I do it.  It's better that way.  Oh well.

Another shit ton of stuff on the agenda for today - projects, meetings, wrap a few gifts that arrived yesterday, run something to the post office for the blonde because her Girl Scout troop is doing secret Santa and I just found out about it yesterday, pick up some milk......and drop of that blasted Girl Scout cookie order.  ARGH! Girl Scouts.  I hesitated on letter her join - I have been putting her off for two years now and finally gave in.  And she hates it.  She thought they were going to do "stuff" - like boy scouts do.   And instead - we just have to peddle these fucking cookies.  And if peddling the cookies now isn't bad enough?  We have to deliver and collect on them in January.  We were supposed to sell 125 boxes.  I think we sold half that.  And frankly, I thought that was pretty damned good.  I loathe a fund raiser.  I really do.  Just have a pancake feed.  Or a car wash.  You know - something that you wrap up in a matter of hours - not something that drags on for months and requires me to play step and fetch to a fucking box of Thin Mints. 

Oh well....somewhere in there today, I need to revisit the boxes of Christmas decorations lying around.  I suppose I need to either get the decorations OUT of the box and on display, or haul them all back to the basement.  I'm leaning toward the latter, but I think the girls would prefer the former.  Maybe they'll help me!?!! 

A girl can have her dreams!

Monday, November 29, 2010

We survived............

Thanksgiving that is.  We made it!  It almost seemed non-eventful.  Which was what I was looking for actually!  Quiet.  Laid back.  Easy.   The brunette went to her dad's house.  So it was just me, the husband, his parents, the blonde and the Prodigal Son.  The Prodigal Son only joined us for the meal and stayed in his cave other than that, so he doesn't even really count.  He is having a rough go at college - like we all did - and I guess felt it safest to just stay hidden his entire break.  Although that really just angered me and hurt me more than anything else.  I had a chat with him, but it was cut short because his dad called and we never returned to our conversation, because he is evidently a vampire and sleeps all day and only wakes up after I've gone to bed.  His shitty spirit really kind of dampened my whole attitude, to be honest.  I kept trying NOT to let it affect me - but it was.  And that was pissing me off.

The father-in-law was funny.  He talks.  A LOT.  I love him dearly - but I don't know that he ever quits talking.  He narrates his life - as he's living it.  It's kind of funny in a way.  Anyway, he was a meat cutter all his life, so while I was in the kitchen, alone, making the gravy, he stopped by to quiz me on turkey facts. 

Him:  Let me ask, when you took the thawed turkey out of the packaging, did you wash it with cold water in the sink before you dressed it?

Me: (FUCK!  I did not!) - Yes!!  Of course I did!

Him:  WRONG!!!

Me:  (FUCK!!  This is where lying gets you!  But I was committed...)  Oh?  Well hell.  Oopsie!

Him:  And do you know why you shouldn't do that?

Me:  (DAMMIT I wish I hadn't lied)  No.  But please.  Do tell.

Him:  Well - it contaminates the sink area - and now you have bacteria all over your sink area and that will lead to cross-contamination to all the other food........

Me:  Well, I did use that bleach concoction...

Him:  Nope.  Should have never done it  - unless you sterilized the whole thing afterwards........

Me:  I did.....

Him:  It just isn't necessary and you shouldn't have done it.

Me:  Okay.  I'm sorry.

And this conversation carried on for about 15 minutes - Me.  Apologizing for fucking up the sink and really really wishing I had not lied to begin with.  I then got a quiz on fire safety in the kitchen.  Which I passed with glowing colors!  YAY for me!!!

Later in the evening, there was a card game - which I had no interest in playing - and I'm glad I skipped it because I believe it ended in a fight of some sort.  Not a fist fight - just a verbal fight.  This is why I don't play cards.  Although I do love to play cards.  But I hate the fighting.

Friday, I really wanted to just lounge around all day - but the husband thinks that is stupid.  I did it anyway.  I was tired and Aunt Flo had dropped by to further ruin my fucking holiday spirit, so I just lounged around chowing on Taco Hell and watching quality TV all day!

Saturday, we had family pics and then took the blonde to the local Christmas Parade.  Which was totally fucking lame  - AGAIN.  Although this time the husband really did get a t-shirt - it wasn't a roll of toilet paper!!!  YAY!  But the whole bag of candy we collected was nothing more than tootsie rolls and dum-dums.  Bleh.  BUT - - - the blonde LOVED it and it was all about her at that moment!!!  We hung out with some great friends we hadn't seen in a very long time (too long) and the night was pleasant.  Although I think I whined too much.  It happens.  Aunt Flo takes over my persona and spreads her shitty attitude around.  I hate her. 

Sunday, we decided to get out the Christmas decor and have a little fun!  The brunette got me up and moving and insisted I put on make up and do my hair and we cleaned up the house - because you can't decorate if the house isn't clean!  She donned her santa hat and was rearin' to go!!!  At 1:30, we drug the tree up from the basement.  We usually do two trees, but due to rearranging of the house, we will have room for only one this year.  The girls insisted we put up the big tree and that they put the ornaments the kids have collected over the last 18 years on that tree.  That tree is usually "MY" tree - all perfectly adorned with matching ornaments and ready for posting on Martha Stewart's holiday site.  But I really wanted the girls to enjoy the decorating so I let them decide how it would be done.  Me, being a control freak over the tree, really doesn't display much holiday spirit, so I'm letting go this year.  I don't care where the decorations are placed around the house.  It doesn't matter.  Anyway - so it was 1:30 when we drug that tree upstairs.  At 4:30 we put the first ornament on.  Because it took 3 fucking hours to get the damned lights working.  By then, everyone had pretty much had it.  The husband's patience were gone.  The blonde was in the way helping.  The brunette had lost interest, and I had fallen asleep on the couch. 

But, the brunette slapped her santa hat back on and the decorating began.  We tried to find some holiday music - but couldn't  - (but we did get the DVD collection all organized in the process!) - and I sat back on the couch, watching the memories be made.  And I wasn't feeling nostalgic.  It didn't feel "right" - something was amiss.  And then..... the fighting began - over the ornaments.  And it was at THAT moment that all the holidays past came rushing forward.  Now THAT felt more like it!  So I took some pics and relished in their arguing and at the end of it all - the tree was decorated and I didn't have to do anything but sit back and enjoy!!  The tree does look a bit like someone puked decorations all over it - and it does make me a tad crazy to look at it.  Maybe while they're all at school I'll just move a few things around - you know - just tweak it ...

just a tad!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving Eve

So here it is. Thanksgiving Eve.  In the morning.  So is that actually still Eve?  I've always been confused by that.  This year, in my state of not being able to deal well with large crowds and chaos and having found some solace in my semi-reclusive state, I've opted out of the typical large Thanksgiving gathering.  And while I feel guilty about that decision, I'm also comfortable with it.  Is that even possible?   To feel guilt and comfort at the same time?  I suppose it is.  Instead, we are having a small (and ever-growing smaller) gathering at our house.  I bought a 28 pound turkey - to feed what appears to be 5 people.  I'm sure there will be plenty.  So I don't have that angst hovering over me - the angst of not having enough food.  And I'm determined to make the day special for the blonde - where she gets some good quality time as a part of the family and a part of the preparations in the kitchen and not one where I send her off to play and entertain herself because I'm too busy and involved with the chaos.  I don't feel stressed.  I don't feel like I even care if shit is clean.  It's a strange serenity - - - and part of me feels guilty that I don't care.  But I do care.  Just in a different way than I normally do.

The brunette has opted to spend the day with her dad.  Which is fine.  It's his turn.  Or something like that.  And then she's going Black Friday shopping with her step-mom - because this is something I do not do.  I can't imagine ever wanting anything badly enough that I would actually intentionally go out shopping on Black Friday.  I did it ONCE.  I did not enjoy it.  And I don't see the point of it.  Of course, I don't see the point in doing a lot of things. 

I'll be spending my day today - getting my hair done, likely going to the DMV, if the Prodigal Son gets his ass out of bed during daylight hours, and preparing to cook for tomorrow.  The husband?  He's decided the fish tank in the blonde's room needs cleaned.  I think next year, or maybe on Christmas, I'll put him in charge of the real preparations, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. And I'll sit back and focus my attention on things like, dusting all my shoes or straightening all my hangers in my closet.  It will do him some good to see first hand what the holidays are really about - from my perspective.  For now?  I'm just not going to worry about any of it.  If I forget to make the gravy?  Tough shit. 

Monday, November 22, 2010

Where Am I?

I'm on hiatus.  Check in periodically to see if I've found my way back please.  I may be lost. 

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Semi-Annual Visit to the Torture Chamber

Not one damned thing since the last time I was there.

Except they didn't call me bleach blonde - they called me Yo!  Red!

Heinous experience.  As always.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

ROWE - - - A List Revisited

A few months ago, my company made the decision to implement a new work culture - ROWE.  When we first decided to make this transition, I made a list of what this transition meant for ME, as a person, and how it would impact MY personal life.  You can see that list here.  But what I want to do now is revisit that list to see just how much of that held true.

I can wear those kick-ass tights that look like tattoos all over - and I won't give a crap what anyone thinks.  I have not worn those tights yet.  Although I have put them on twice - I've determined I do not like the dress that I had planned to wear with them.  And everytime I put them on the husband says, "I don't know why you would even want to wear those things."  I'm going to wear them one day just to piss him off.  As soon as I find a dress that I like. 

I can get me some groovy boots and cool clothes and be that creative soul I've always dreamed of being.  Okay - I got two new pair of boots.  But I don't know that I'd consider them "groovy" - but I have been expanding my creative soul as it pertains to my clothing - but bottom line is this:  I'm a conformist.  So I guess I'm not going to actually wear groovy clothes and put myself "out there" in the spotlight.  I'm not creative and as soon as I realize that the happier I will be.

I can take daytime exercise classes - like Zumba - and get back that 20 year old body I once had. HA!  I haven't explored even finding a Zumba class in town.  I have, however, been trying to walk frequently.  Both outdoors and on the new treadmill we got.  Exercise is not something I enjoy for some reason.  But I continue to try and push forward.

I can go eat lunch with my youngest.  I despise eating with youngsters - a whole group of them - and their heinous school lunches.  So I forgot I even put this on my list.  But now that I see it on there - I will make a point to do this AT LEAST ONCE this school year.  Because I know it will delight her. 

I can be home when she gets on the bus and home when she gets off the bus.  This I have done nearly every day.  Likely 98% of the time I am here for this.  I am grateful for this time with her and while it's not known if it provides an immediate joy to her - I know that one day she will have an appreciation for this time.

I can make certain my family is eating healthy every single day - not just a few times a week.  This is pretty much working out well.  Except for the last week - when I did not put a single vegetable or fruit on the table at any meal.  I fell into a slump.  I went on an all-carb vacation and it's time to return to healthy eating.

I can go watch my son play his first college baseball game.  I did go watch him play a game!!!  So that's good.  And I look forward to more of these opportunities in the spring. 

I can be here for my 15 year old daughter as she travels through the next few years of her life.
  I'm here.  But it's become obvious to me (painfully so) that I don't have a clue how to be a mother to a 15 year old daughter.  My mom had me when she was 16, my mom moved out when I was 16.  I have no good personal experience on how to mother a daughter.  I have found myself expecting her to know what to do and to be independent and strong.  So now I have to figure out what I SHOULD be doing at this age and what kind of support I SHOULD and NEED to be providing to her. 

I can go for those walks with my cousin at lunch that we enjoy so much.
While I HAVE walked, I haven't been on a single walk with my cousin. 

I can get the invoicing done for my husband's business and help him build that to an even higher level if that's his dream.  He's been on the same job since I transitioned my work schedule to a ROWE - so there has been no invoicing that needs done.

So you see - those things that I THOUGHT I wanted to achieve when I went into a ROWE - I haven't really done any of them.  BUT - I will tell you this:  I FEEL more in control of my life.  I don't feel like it's reeling out of control any longer.  Except over the last two weeks, when I HAD to be places at specific times of the day for work related functions - it hit me again - OUT OF CONTROL.  I reverted back to my place of discontent of monumental proportions.  I stopped cleaning.  Cooking.  Laundry.  All things halted because I was trying to get places at certain times.  And I couldn't cope in any other manner but to hide in my bed.  So this week, I'm looking forward to getting back on track - where life and work are one and the transition from one to the other is void.  

Friday, November 5, 2010

More Hair Talk

I shouldn't even talk about this.  I shouldn't even show it.  Or discuss it.  Or admit it.  But since this blog is all about inane truths - I'm doing it anyway.

Last night I found a stray hair.  It's not the first.   And I'm sure it won't be the last.  I find them in the damndest places at the damndest times.  Driving down the road, on my way to an important meeting, glance in the visor mirror and BAM!  Fucking goat hair 2" long on my chin.  Or on my cheek.  Or maybe on my neck.

But this time it was different.  I was at home.  And I spotted it on my SHOULDER.  I first saw it like 2 weeks ago and couldn't locate the tweezers so ignored it.  But tonight  - it was out of control.  Almost to the point that I hesitated to pluck it - because a small part of me really wanted to wait and see just how long it might actually grow if I were to leave it alone.  But then the OCD set in and it HAD.TO.GO.

The toothbrush is there to give you perspective on its amazing length.  Don't worry - the toothbrush belongs to the husband and Aunt Flo made me do it - I didn't want to set the hair next to his toothbrush - but her will is stronger than mine and so it came to be that his toothbrush was used as the comparison measuring device.  Don't worry - I put it back before he ever knew.  I don't think he really likes Aunt Flo.  But I can assure you - she despises him even more.  She has some type of fucked up vendetta against him that I don't quite comprehend.

I, personally, would have used a ruler.  Or an earring.  Or a stick of gum as the measuring device.  But she kept screaming out "Grab the husband's toothbrush - it's right there and so handy - just use it to measure your shoulder goat hair against!!"  She won that battle.  I am no rightful opponent against this evil bitch.  I used to be - but lately she overpowers me with her sickening control and desire to rule the universe.  I'm just too tired to battle her so I let her have her way thru the duration of her visit.

But back to this hair  - SERIOUSLY?  Who the fuck grows a single goat hair of that magnitude on their SHOULDER?  What the hell did I do to Mother Nature to deserve this abuse?  Why?  Why does this happen to women?  I don't get it.  And chances are, I never will.  What I do know and understand is that searching for random bullshit hair is soon going to become an all-consuming task.  And it just seems so.... unfair.  I mean, I've been a regular shaver, groomer of the hairs.  A fanatic some might say.  But this new crazy assed display of hair will likely be the death of me.

I back-comb my hair daily - because.... I LIKE big hair.  I was recently informed that this act will cause your hair to FALL OUT and you'll go bald.  Are you shitting me?  Oh well - at least I'm now growing hair on my back and instead of the comb-over - I can do the comb-UP - from my back to my forehead.  It's going to be a GREAT look.  ALL.THE.RAGE.  I can already see it.

Flo brings more surprises with her each time she visits.  Maybe next visit she'll plant hair on my increasingly shrinking (is that an oxymoron) breasts!  And then I can just do the hair shawl type of thing.

My adventures in life are abundant.  Don't be a hater.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


So, you know I work primarily from home.  But not for the last week I don't.  Oh hell no.  I had to actually leave the damned house last week - THREE DAYS IN A ROW.  And drive 75 miles each way to attend a conference my company was hosting.  Which was all well and good and the conference was nice and I enjoyed seeing my colleagues and interacting with our clients.  But the DRIVE and the ACT of leaving the house damned near did me in.

And then this week I had to leave the house 3 times to attend work related events and this whole getting up and dressed and shit ON A SCHEDULE has me totally pissed off.  I had NO idea how accustomed to doing my own thing on my own schedule I had become.

And Aunt Flo fucking stopped by for the week - you know - to spread joy and cheer throughout the universe.  So my ability to cope with the slightest upset in plans has been completely lost.  Today I looked up and it was 4:30 - and no dinner was prepared.  Shit.  Damn this dinner thing anyway.  But I scrambled and threw together some homemade mac-n-cheese with hamburger in it. The blonde asked why I didn't just buy Hamburger Helper.  I don't know blonde.  I don't know.  Because I'm an over-achiever and like to make my life as difficult as possible?  Or maybe I think I'm doing you all a favor by not feeding you boxed food?  But I haven't put a fruit or vegetable on the table for a week.  Mother Of The Year is once again lost.

And I haven't been on the treadmill in that long either.  And evidently I have self-image issues because when I look in the mirror I see FAT ASS TUB O' LARD because I haven't been on the treadmill.  And the brunette told me I was just 1 pound away from anorexia.  Which is a total exaggeration.  I don't know where she gets that trait.  I really don't.

Tomorrow night I'm going to a concert with my mom.  I've NEVER been to a concert with my mom.  I don't know that I've been anywhere but to the mall or to a craft show with my mom.  A ROCK CONCERT.  HEART!!!  I am totally stressed.  What to wear?  I bought a million outfits.  Tonight I made the family watch as I tried them each on.  And FINALLY we all agreed on one.  We'll see if that's the one I actually wear tomorrow night or not.

Mom doesn't smoke.  I do.  Mom hates cigarette smoke.  I respect her so I respect her desire to not be around it.  I'll be taking some Nicorette gum with me to the outing.

Mom likes to maybe have a drink.  Maybe two.  I like to drink the bar dry.  I'll be trying to pace myself before the concert so as to be able to actually WALK and maneuver the seating in my 4" heels without totally embarrassing my mom.

Mom wants to hear Barracuda.  I want to hear Crazy on You.

We're like peas and carrots - me and mom.

I'm a nervous wreck.  And yet - there's something inherently wrong with that picture. 

I'm sure we'll have a blast!  The husband has agreed to be our driver for the night!  He's a good sport. I love him.  Even if Aunt Flo hates his fucking guts, I adore him.  She's threatened to kick his ass more than once in the last 5 days. Good thing I'm around to save him.  I hope he appreciates that.  I'm not sure he completely understands how many times I have saved him from her hands that are desperate to just fucking strangle his neck.  How many times I've instructed her to just keep her mouth shut when she's begging to tell him to just SHUT.THE.FUCK.UP.  How many times I've sent her ass to bed when she's yearning to give him a piece of her mind.

I'm totally under-appreciated.

P.S. - Forgot I was supposed to be on a "positive" kick - go figure.  So here's my positive thought of the day:  I'm so glad we had food in the house so that I could throw together that dinner spur of the moment.

I only wish someone else had prepared it so I didn't have to.  - - - Jesus.  This still isn't coming naturally to me.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I guess I'm on vacation?

..... or something.  I haven't cleaned.  I haven't cooked.  I haven't done laundry.  I haven't done a damned thing around this house since Sunday morning.  And I don't care.  My give a shit has got up and gone.  I hope it finds its way back home soon because I'm getting sick of tripping over shit and eating handfuls of cereal. 

The impending holidays have me in a foul mood already.  Why must we start planning them in October?  Well, I guess it is now November.  But still.  All this hooplah and who's going where, when and blah blah blah - it kills the spirit and fun for me.  I have nothing nice to say (like I ever do).  Maybe from here until January 1st I will just post something nice each day - just one nice thought.  Maybe that will help encourage my attitude into a positive state? 

Let's give it a whirl:

The warm sun felt wonderful on my face today!!!

(but the cool breeze up my skirt pissed me off)

This is not going to be easy, I can see that already.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Why is 2nd Grade such a PAIN IN THE ASS?

We had parent teacher conferences this week for the blonde - she's in 2nd grade.  And her teacher is an old grouch.  I'd already determined this before I met her and meeting her only confirmed my initial instinct.  First off, the blonde is smart.  And one of the oldest in her class because thanks to the laws in our state - she wasn't 5 by September 1st and instead turned 5 on September 20th so basically was 6 by the time she started kindergarten. It's a stupid law.  It really is.  Especially so, given the fact that kindergarten isn't even fucking required in this state.  So explain to me how a non-required grade has laws that dictate when you can start?  But wait - you can't just skip it either.  Or we couldn't figure out how to skip it.  Maybe we are the stupid ones.

I digress.  When she was in kindergarten, she read at over a first grade level.  The teacher had her reading to kids in the class that could not yet read on their own and daily she went to a first grade class (after going to the Board on our behalf and getting approval to do this) for reading.  In first grade, the 2nd grade class was too full, so she couldn't go there to read, but her teacher got her hands on the 2nd grade material and was teaching her and some others from that material.

Throughout both grades, her behavior was exemplary and she was commended on her focus and dedication to school work - beyond her years.

Then she gets to second grade - with the old hag.  And all of a sudden - she's reading at a level BELOW where she left off last year.  She can no longer add AND her behavior is shitty.  So I SUGGESTED to the teacher that the child is bored and explained to her why I thought that.  She looks at me and says, "I find that hard to believe.  I don't see that she's any more intelligent than the others in my class."  SERIOUSLY?  You just fucking showed me that on the standardized tests taken early in the year that she tests higher than you expect her to by the end of the year.  So, if at the beginning of the year she tests higher than she should at the end of the year after she's been under your tutelage, one would THINK that she is bored and finds the work non-challenging, wouldn't you say?

Well.  No.  I mean - she sees her as a goof off, not paying attention, scoring horribly on her comprehension tests for reading.  I suggested that she's not really reading the books at all and that instead perhaps she's scanning them and guessing BECAUSE SHE IS BORED.  But this bitch wouldn't budge.  Her granddaughter is in the gifted program - and she's BRILLIANT - she's in the 3rd grade and reads at a 7th grade level.  I'm sure she does and I'm duly impressed, but I'm not really here to hear about your granddaughter and would like to get back to the blonde, if you don't mind please, kthanks.

After I make some other clear and pointed observations about how the blonde likes to be treated and how she shows me that she's bored to tears at school, she finally makes a note on a piece of paper and agrees to keep an eye out for it.  THEN, the bitch admits that Grace is one of those students that's just easy to lose track of - because she just plods along, status quo so she doesn't get much attention.  THANK YOU GEORGE FUCKING BUSH FOR NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND.  EXCEPT for regular, smarter than usual, but not quite "gifted" children.  Who are left behind to be bored and ignored in the public school system.  Thank you.  It's a great fucking program and it's working out quite well I'd say.

And again, why is it that the most wretched teachers are those that teach 2nd grade?  I had a horrible 2nd grade teacher - you may remember I wrote about her here. 

I'm still haunted by that bitch.  Is it all part of the master plan of the universe?  Is that the weeding out year?  Ignore them and treat them like they're idiots - those that survive will become successful and those that don't - well that's just too damned bad?  Fuck her.  And yes.  I'm pissed.  Granted, the blonde could be more organized.  And watch less TV.  And we could probably get her engaged with social activities that include people her age instead of having her play beer pong with us on the weekends - and I'll commit to being a better parent to her in that regard.  But I want this wretch of a woman to get off her high horse and be the educator she's getting paid to be.

She's crossed the wrong mama here.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Miss Me?

I've been at a conference all week - you can find me here

I'll be back soon!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Healthy Choices

So, my gal over at Raisin-A-Ruckus has been carrying on about some cleansing diet she tried.  Something about eating only fresh fruits and vegetables and that kind of crap.  Don't get me wrong - I enjoy a healthy eating life-style also.  I just go about it a little differently.  I don't try fad diets, or cleansing diets, or any of that other lose weight fast crap.  Instead, I try to think about what I put in my mouth and ask myself "Is this nourishing my body?  Or just adding non-nourishing calories?"  And because I ask myself that question - I'm able to at least stop and think it over before I make the decision to proceed.

It's rather tricky - but let me show you a few examples so you can see how easy this approach can actually be:

 Is this a good choice?  Whiskey & Diet Coke.  What is the nutritional value in this selection?  OR - is this a better choice:

Vodka with Cran-Pomegranate Juice.   I think the latter is the better choice when considering nutritional value.  I think Cranberries AND Pomegranates are good for you and contain a lot of antioxidants.  So Option B is better in this case.  (Although from the looks of the small amount left in the booze bottle in Option A, I think it's clearly obvious which one I more frequently run to.  - BUT it's DIET coke - so it doesn't have any calories.  Just aspertame which will cause neurosis - which is no big deal because I already have that, so what's a little more going to hurt, right?)

Moving along.  Should I put this in my mouth?

Likely so.  Unlike those other American-made cigarettes that cause heart disease, lung cancer and small birth weights or still-born babies, these cigarettes just contain carbon monoxide.  This is a healthy choice, and besides that - for breakfast I ate this:

Which offsets the carbon monoxide I think.  So it's all good.  And don't those oats looking fucking delicious?  YUM!!!

Another example.  Which cheese should you pick?

No dumbass.  NOT the one on the left.  Jesus. That shit has so many fucking preservatives in it that I don't even think it's real food anymore.  You can leave that shit out on the counter for eleventy nine hundred days and it will never spoil.  Select the one on the right.  It's FRESH.

Raisin-A-Ruckus also brags blogs about eating prunes.  So, I figured, what the hell!  I'll give them a try.  I hear they're really really good for you.  And one serving is only 7 prunes - which is like 7 plums, right?  And who the fuck has time to sit around and eat 7 plums.  NOT.ME.  So these prunes are the answer.  Every night I force myself to eat 7 of these slimy-assed things:

Go getcha some!  If I can gag them down - so can you.

I guess the point is - don't join the diet-of-the-month club.  Just stop before you put the food/drink in your mouth and ask yourself:  IS THIS THE BEST CHOICE TO NOURISH MY BODY?  That gives you a second to reconsider your selection and possibly move to something healthier.

I'm sure I'll be contacted by a publisher and asked to write a book on healthy life-styles any day now.  So please don't be upset if I discontinue my free advice.  You can buy the book.