I'm not here today

Instead - I posted HERE

More Xanax..... please!

After I finished running plodding along on the treadmill yesterday, I was sad to discover that I couldn't even sweat due to my sweat glands and pores being clogged with cheesecake.  M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E.  I immediately went in search of that cheesecake, yelling around the house, "Where is that damned cheesecake?  Where did it go?"  Because sometimes cheesecakes fuck with our heads and hide from us and this one was clearly possessed so I was putting nothing past it.  Finally the husband yelled, "I ATE IT!"  Thank GOD.  It's not sitting there taunting me to eat it - one sickening bite after another - bit by bit.  Bite by bite.  Until it's all gone.  I'm sure as hell glad he finished it off.  Maybe now life can get back to some semblance of normalcy.  Whatever the hell that means around here.  Stupid cheesecake.

Last Friday I let the brunette take my car by herself to work.  I figured she'd earned the privilege.  And she did great!  Just like I knew in the bottom of my weary heart she would.  But a few nights ago, I woke up and thought - OMG.  What if some creep saw her and how cute she is and followed her and now knows where she lives?  And from that point forward the thoughts just kept reeling in to the point that it made me sick to think I'd actually let her out of the house alone.  So last night I drove the car to her work and dropped her off.  Because creepers do not follow moms in yoga pants and donning pigtails.  ?  Then, about the time I returned home from dropping her off - two little farts on bikes showed up to see if the blonde could come down to their house to play.  Well, her bike has a flat (I had nothing to do with that).  And the boys live over the river and through the woods and across 12 very busy streets and 5 sets of train tracks   one street over and about 20 houses down.  It's farther than my comfort level in terms of her riding her bike unattended.  Hell, just this fall she rode right in front of a car on the street while she was with me.  Clearly she owns the road. 

It was more than I could deal with - and she was begging and the husband cannot tell his little princess "no" - and he was now reasoning with me - "she's with them."  THEY'RE 8.  "Well it's just over there" - I CANNOT SEE HER.  "Their parents seem to think it's safe."  They're obviously idiots.  So there I stood - with three 8 year olds and a giant child while they tried to convince me to let the blonde go alone.  I couldn't do it.  I just couldn't.  I'd already lost one daughter to the big scary world and god knows her stalking creepy creeper was probably sitting outside our house as I spoke.  So finally I just gave the husband a fair and reasonable response, "I will fucking kill you if you allow her to do this alone - it's a bad idea and you know it.  Do NOT be stupid."  So he drove her.  And you know what?  Their parents DID NOT seem to think it was safe.  Their parents were not even home.  They were being "watched" by a 15 year old sister.  HA!!!  See.  I WIN! 

God help these children if anything ever happens to me.  The husband will have them all self-functioning and unafraid of the world in no time.  Clearly he's NOT qualified to be a parent.

How I Spent My Weekend

....  obviously I did what any well-organized, type A personality, person with entirely too much shit on their plate would do on a weekend when temps were in the 70's in mid February.....  laid in bed and stared at the ceiling and watching a "Hot in Cleveland" marathon.  Thank GOD I got all caught up on that show.  I'd never seen it, but fortunately every episode was aired yesterday so I was able to get completely caught up.  Mark that off my list of shit to do! 

I'm not sure what happened.  I was totally on the ball - organized - had plans - BIG plans - to get all the shit done and to spend some time with the girls.  And instead - I found myself so mentally overwhelmed that I couldn't function.  On Saturday I read two books - Twitter for Dummies (should have bought Twitter for Morons instead) and The Birth Order Book.  So when I got done, I found I was dumber than a dummy and confused as fuck by Twitter - PLUS - I had no clue who I was or why I am the way I am.  Confused and lost in a sea of words I'd read the day prior, I could do nothing on Sunday but stare blankly at the TV and the ceiling.  It was gloomy out - yet warm - but still the gray and doom was not helping my attitude or energy level at all.  So instead of feeling on top of my game and fulfilled when I went to bed - I felt grateful the day was over so I could hopefully sleep off the guilt of screwing up a perfectly good day. 

At 1:00 a.m. I woke up - the sheer number of tasks on my plate looming over my sleepy brain.  And it hit me - I believe Monday is a federal holiday - which means NO MAIL and NO BANKING - woo hooo - I had found a task that I could remove from my plate for the day - NOW I believe I can tackle Monday.  As I sit here and think it through - it does seem doable.  And it also occurred to me that it's possible I feel so overwhelmed and shitty in general because I ate an entire fucking crescent roll cheesecake over the weekend.  And have slipped back into shitty eating habits and haven't seen my treadmill in nearly two weeks.  I hope to hell that cheesecake is all gone - if it's not I'm going to throw it in the trash because it is EVIL.  And has caused me more pain than I have ever imagined.  I hate you cheesecake.  But I also wonder what you would taste like if cocoa were added to your filling to make you a chocolate crescent roll cheesecake.  My God but you're sinful.  See what I mean?  It's control over me is frightening.  I must remove it and all reminders of it from this house and my mind immediately.  And I must spend some quality time with my treadmill - I'll probably sweat cream cheese.  So if you see me sitting around licking my arms  - it's the cheesecake.  Honest.  It is.

Plagued by Idiocy

Friday evening the blonde was invited to a birthday party - a skating party.  I knew I wasn't going to like these people the minute I read the invitation and saw the party was on a Friday evening - 5:30-7:30.  Or at least that's how I read the invitation.  I took her over the skating rink and got her settled in - helped her put on her skates, tied them for her, put her shoes in a designated location, etc.  I only saw one other mommy - the branch dividian who had planned this party.  The other kids had their own skate bags, were tying their own skates, etc.   And there I was - helping my 8 year old baby with her skates - hugging her and kissing her and making sure she was going to be okay in my absence.  And she would wave and shout out to the others as she sat while I tended to her.  The other kids would wizz by and give her a lackadazical wave.  And I felt sorry for her.  So awkward.  She lives in an adult world and socializes best with adults.  And here I was - leaving her to this pack of child wolves.  Small versions of humans, who behave like kids and know how to laugh and play and have a good time.  And my little baby - a 40 year old in an 8 year old body.  Poor thing. 

When I got home, I shared with the husband how painful it was to see her - awkward with her peers.  Them, all buddying up with each other and her trying to push her way into their foreign world.  Because the party was ending at 7:30, I sent the husband to retrieve her at 7:10.  Well, evidently the party did NOT end at 7:30 - it had ended at 7:00 - and there had been the branch davidian who planned the party, sitting in the parking lot until 7:30 with my little pumpkin in her car - - -wondering if we would ever show up to retrieve our child.  I looked at the invitation closer - sure as SHIT - that party was only 5:30 - 7:00.  DAMMIT.  COULD I POSSIBLY FUCK UP THIS CHILD'S LIFE ANY MORE?  I knew I was too fucking irresponsible to raise another child at the age of 36.  I just knew it.  And there it was - I had once again put her in the position of being the "odd" child out.  The one with the old parents who can't get shit right.  Oh how painful it is.  I don't know what will become of this child in her teenage years.  I'll probably still be tying her shoes, zipping her coat, forgetting to do anything that prepares her for life. 

On a positive note - I DID drop her and the brunette off at the Bieber movie the other day - and they loved it!  I was tied up with work and the husband was working on the bathroom remodel and I was pretty proud of myself for coming up with the movie idea ALL.ON.MY.OWN.  And the next day, I surprised the blonde by taking her to the zoo!!  She loved that and I was the BEST.MOMMY.EVER.  Those were her words.  BEST.MOMMY.EVER.  Just keep that in mind when you're 25 and you have the flashback of being left at the skating party with branch davidians my love.  You'll need that positive reinforcement when you are plagued with the memories of how much we fucked up your childhood.  Please always remember we did not mean to destroy your life.  Or leave you there.  Or forget other events that were going on around you that caused you to never "fit in".  Honest.  We didn't.

I Survived!!

... the presentation, that is.  I bet it's been 6+ years since I've given a formal public presentation - maybe longer - I really can't remember.  And since the day I was asked to be the guest speaker for this professional group, I have been a nervous wreck.  What to say?  What to say?  What to say?  Fuck it- focus on WHAT TO WEAR.  That one I can handle.  But then, this morning, I still had to reach out to a trusted fashionista for advice on what to wear - I only gave her two choices and THANK GOD her first choice was also MY first choice.  Easy enough.  Presentation at 11:45 - 10:30 and I'm still on a conference call - still have no game plan - still pacing and fussing over my make up.  Finally decided I would just talk from the heart.  Just talk.  I know how to talk.  I tend to never STFU - so just talk.  And I did. 

It was a small group - and pretty laid back setting.  I didn't have a microphone, or a podium and didn't have to stand on a stage - just stand - and talk.  The unnerving part was that it was a group of women IN the field of communication.  I just kept praying I wouldn't cuss.  Praying that I wouldn't use the wrong words.  Praying that I my voice wouldn't tremble and the nerves wouldn't take over.  And I totally pulled it off.  Or so I think I did.  People smiled.  People nodded their heads.  I got a few laughs.  People asked thoughtful questions.  And some people approached me afterwards to talk more.  I had MORE to say so I really wanted to talk to them ALL afternoon.  But alas, they did not work in a ROWE - so they HAD to return to their jobs.  Poor things.  I pitied them.  But they were such a nice group and they didn't heckle me and make me feel like an idiot.  And I was elated to share my story and honestly?  I felt like I had in some way touched a few of them in a way I had hoped - I connected.  They weren't alone in their journey as professional women - I could relate and share and tell them how I changed my life. 

So given the fact that I puked a little in my mouth the day I was asked to give this presentation, and the fact that I dreaded it up until the moment I arrived today - I find it somewhat uncanny that I feel this calling/urge - HUGE desire - to share more.  Let me know if you want me to come speak to your group - about ROWE - or about being a working woman - or about fighting demons - or any other subject matter that I'm quite certain I will find myself instantly expert on.  Evidently I've a hankering to do some talking!

?

I'm giving a presentation to a group of women Tuesday  - - - here's a sneak peak at what I've prepared!!!

ANXIETY

Anxiety levels are at an all-time high at the moment.  I'm uncertain precisely WHAT triggered the anxiety - or if it's just a culmination of everything being thrown at me.  Maybe it's PMS - it seems a little early in the month for that - but since Valentines Day is Monday, and Aunt Flo never misses a single holiday or special occasion - it would make sense that it could be an early arrival from her dumb ass.  All I know is that I just need everyone to sit down and shut the fuck up and stop throwing shit at me. 

Last night the brunette announced she'd like to go on a school trip to Germany - Summer 2012.  Major anxiety set in and all I could do is come back with, "How will that get paid for?"  Never mind important questions like:  What do you hope to learn and experience on the trip - what are the benefits you see in this trip, etc.  No.  Just ask how it will get paid for.  And as she rattled off how it would be paid for, my mind was quickly assembling 9-11 all over again - the phone call I would get - the panic I would feel when I got news the plane went down.  The fear that would rush through me when I learned she was missing.  Lost.  Raped. Beaten.  Killed.  I mean seriously?  Are these normal thoughts?  And then Maya Angelou started screaming at me "IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE YOU WILL LIBERATE THEM."  Liberate her.  Liberate her.  What does that mean?  It means you will let them do things and experience life and learn and grow and become an amazing person through those experiences.  But really - since the plane will be hijacked by terrorists either en route to Germany or on the return flight - her experience will be moot.  So should I start saving for this trip, or no?  It's a confusing situation for me.  And causes me angst to even think about it. 

The husband seemed out of it...kept asking me dumbass questions that I'm pretty sure he already knew the answers to  - or at least things I know we have already discussed.  And me, being the effective communicator and bearing unending patience, sat quietly and calmly explained the story I was delivering again yelled, "What the fuck is wrong with you?  Are you on fucking drugs or something because your ability to remember a fucking thing is nil and it's getting really old - once again I am burdened with everything in this house - not only do I have to DO everything - now I have to fucking REMEMBER everything because you can't remember SHIT."  I wonder what he'll get me for Valentine's Day?  I'm thinking of getting him some of that Gingko Biloba or whatever it's called that is supposed to improve your memory.  Or maybe I'll take him in to get tested for early Alzheimers.  And whenever I have those thoughts - I think, "That'd be fucking par for the course - he'll end up with Alzheimers and I'll be stuck having to take care of his can't remember shit ass in our golden years.  Typical."  Then I panic at the thought of it.  So that was another issue to add to my anxiety. 

THEN - I decided to watch some damned show - ANXIETY.  Really?  By 9:30 I was nearly in a full-on panic attack.  My heart was racing and I wanted to go for a long jog to clear my thoughts.  But it was cold.  And dark.  So instead I popped a Melatonin, hoping it would immediately command my brain to sleep.  And by 11:30 it had.  Am I the only person that suffers from this kind of nonsense - the shit that I make up in my head that ultimately scares me to death?  The continual commanding of the kids to stay clear of danger - "STAND 10' BACK FROM THE CURB - A DIPSHIT DRIVER COULD BE TEXTING AND HIT YOU WHILE YOU WAIT FOR THE BUS.  THE BUS COULD SKID WHILE PULLING A STOP AND HIT YOU - STAND BACK!  STAND BACK!!"  I'm surprised the blonde will even ride the bus, frankly. 
"DO NOT TELL PEOPLE YOUR NAME - THEY COULD LOOK YOU UP AND KIDNAP YOU."

"STAY OFF THE MONKEY BARS - WHY DO THEY EVEN PUT FUCKING MONKEY BARS ON A PLAYGROUND?  WHY DO THEY EVEN HAVE PLAYGROUNDS?  MY GOD THEY'RE DEATH TRAPS."

"DO NOT TOUCH THAT!  IT COULD BE RIDDLED WITH FLESH EATING GERMS AND YOU'LL GET SICK AND DIE."

"DO NOT DRIVE ON THAT 2 LANE HIGHWAY - DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN KILLED ON THAT HIGHWAY?"

The list goes on and on.  And I'm pretty certain that as they age and move on with their lives - they will abandon me and talk shit behind my back - "Mom is fucking WHACK - she told me the other day NOT to change laundry detergents because it could possibly result in me getting a rash." 

Until I find balance here people - please do me a favor:   DO NOT touch the carts at the grocery store and then touch your face.  You will get H1N1 or the bubonic plague. 

Time Marches On

Incredibly busy day on tap for today - meetings from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. with no breaks to speak of.  In anticipation of the chaos I would endure today, I went to bed at 8:30 last night to make certain I was well rested.  At 1:00 a.m. I woke up ready to get my day started!  WTF.  That's no good - I'm not getting up at 1:00 a.m.  Fortunately, I was able to get back to sleep rather quickly rather than my normal course of lying there in bed, tossing and turning and finally giving in to insomnia.  At 3:00 a.m. I again awoke - this time soaking wet ....  night sweats.  Lovely.  Just lovely.  Finally at 5:30 I gave in and just got up.  Not sure if I'm rested or not.  And I guess at this point it really doesn't matter - it's time to get the day a' movin'! 

Last night I learned that a young woman with whom I'm familiar has cancer.  She's actually had it for 4 years, but I just found out.  And it's not been a secret - so I'm not sure where I've been for 4 years.  Likely because I'm only familiar with her and not friends with her, the information just never entered my universe previously.  Anyway - I was so shocked by the information that I spent a good deal of time perusing her blog.  Check it out - www.lovingpink.com.  And of course after reading about her journey, my mind kicked in again to the thoughts of "what the hell am I doing with my life?  Am I making a difference - TO THE RIGHT PEOPLE?"  So I observed myself the remainder of the night - and how I interacted with my family - and when I laid my head on my pillow, I thought, "I wonder if that's how I would have behaved if I was her?  If I lived every day not knowing if there would be a tomorrow? "  But you know what?  NONE of us know that there will be a tomorrow.  Why do we always assume there will be?  Why do healthy, able bodied people take for granted the gift they've been given?  I must change my wicked ways.  I really must.  I need to go back and revisit the list of shit I said I wanted to work on in 2011 and make an intentional effort to tackle some of those things.  Some of them were so basic - have coffee with a friend once a week.  Okay.  I haven't done that yet.  I remember yesterday I also saw where it's been a full month since the horrible shootings in Arizona and I thought, "A MONTH AGO?  That happened a MONTH AGO?  What the hell have I been doing for the last month?  It seems like only 2 weeks ago or so to me." 

There are many days that I wake up with no clue what the date is - and when I think about it - it doesn't come to me.  I have to actually LOOK at a calendar for it to register.  Is that a good thing?  Or a bad thing?  I don't know.  Does it really matter?  I suppose it does if you're not wanting to lose track of time and your life? 

Did I laugh yesterday?  Yes.  I did.  When I finally got a customer on the phone and he said, "You're IT" - in reference to the fact that we'd been playing phone tag for 3 days.  BAH HA HA HA!!!!  Stab me in the eye with a dull stick.  That was the funniest thing I heard all day - "You're it!!"   I have GOT to make it a point to get more comedy in my life.  Because the day phone tag becomes an enjoyable sport is the day that Jane officially becomes D.U.L.L. 

GO AWAY COLD AND SNOW

It snowed again last night - which is really getting quite old.  See.  My car doesn't get around well in the snow.  I didn't pick out the car - the husband did.  And every time I mention trading it for something more practical, he acts hurt.  Like rejecting the car is a rejection of him.  So stupid.  And the more time that elapses with me not driving in the snow - the more out of practice I become and therefore the more fearful of the act I become.  It's a vicious cycle. 

Yesterday I had to attend a meeting all morning in the physical office.  It sucked.  Because it was C.O.L.D. - both outside AND inside.  That conference room was freezing - and my feet were freezing and I was miserable.  Then we went to eat at Jason's Deli - a.k.a. The SHITTIEST restaurant in town.  I.HATE.THAT.PLACE.  There is something about it that just grosses me out.  The atmosphere in and of itself is off-putting to me.  300 tables and chairs crammed into a cold, uninviting room.  It's loud.  It's crowded.  And it's confusing as hell.  Why are there so many fucking choices on the menu?  And they all taste like shit.  When we arrived, I had to go to the bathroom - and found it's a one-holer and I had to wait in line.  For a VERY long time.  And finally the person behind the locked door appeared and it was an employee - and she'd been in there taking a shit.  And I was instantly AGAIN grossed out.  I almost puked. 

I ordered the "famous" salad bar because I was overwhelmed by the menu and couldn't think straight.  The ONLY thing it could possibly be famous for is not having anything to choose from.  It was pathetic.  So I ate my $7 lame salad which consisted of lettuce, spinach, grated cheese, jalepenos and ranch dressing and continued to shiver and freeze my ass off in the uninviting, cold, shitty restaurant.  The plan was to go home, walk on the treadmill, get cleaned up and run back into town to attend a trade show the company was exhibiting at.  But when I got home, I found myself feeling VERY puny and my shoulders were aching and my neck was stiff-  likely all due to the incessant shivering and attempting to keep warm all morning long.  So instead of following the plans as laid, I changed into my jammie pants and curled up in bed for a nice hour long nap.  Shivering is EXHAUSTING.  And when I awoke - it hit me - THAT is exactly how I used to feel when I HAD to go to the office every day  - worn out from being cold.  I NEVER feel like that when I work from home.  NEVER.

We have our heat set at 74 and it's nice and cozy and comfortable in our house.  That's how I like it.  WARM.  Sometimes I even put on shorts to walk on the treadmill - and I pretend it's summer.  And I'm HAPPY and have energy.  I really don't know how people go around in the winter - bundled up in their house - cold and miserable.  To me it's senseless.  Scrimp in other areas of the budget - but don't freeze your fucking family out of their own home.  Anyway - so I was worn out and cold and miserable.  And the remainder of the night I felt like shit.  And then I was angry.  Angry that I had been forced out into the elements - angry that I might have to endure them yet again Wednesday.  And with that - I again felt OUT OF CONTROL. 

I don't like other people or things to dictate to me what the hell I'm going to spend my time doing or forcing me to endure miserable weather.  So this morning, I have decided - I'm NOT going to don a dress and freeze my ass off to attend this tradeshow - it's not necessary that I do.  I'm NOT going to don a dress and freeze my ass off to interview the door knob - she will either interview over the phone or not interview at all.  I'm already happier at the thought of having control over my day.  AND - it's supposed to be 56 a week from today - so I'm already happier with that temperature in the foreseeable future! 

Sooo.Tired....and Stressed

The picture taking extravaganza was a huge success.  I'm not sure how many people were in the house - and I'm not sure I even saw all of them, to be honest.  13 girls plus their dates - so that's 26.  Plus a pretty good turnout of parents.  I'm not sure - likely 45-50 people?  All I know is once again we had the proverbial "we have GOT to knock down these walls" discussion afterward!  It was fun though and some of the parents stayed and it was nice to hang out and chat and get to know them better!  I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

Wrapped up a large project last week for work - what a relief that was.  The project had such a short time-frame on the whole thing had me completely stressed.  In the mix of the chaos, received the resignation of an employee so I now I have 10 days to hire, learn that person's job and then guess who will get to perform that job until the position is filled.  Yay. 

In the past week I have read and reviewed over 60 resumes.  It's no wonder the unemployment rates are so high.  Few people have decent skills or even common sense for that matter.  Don't email me from your current place of employment expressing to me your loyalty and dedication.  I don't buy it.  You're on their clock and dime - job hunting.  Not.Impressed.  Don't send me emails with cutesy background stationary just because you know how to set that setting in Microsoft Outlook.  It's a place of business - not your platform for your creative expression via your Outlook settings.  Not.Impressed.  The position is for an accountant.  The talents of creative and innovative are irrelevant - especially when you tell me you have found an innovative, creative means of accounting that has driven up your current employer's profit.  Hmmm.  Accounting is pretty well set in a basic set of principles.  Creativity and innovation just don't usually add any level of comfort to your ability to understand GAAP.  The list of moronic stunts I've seen in the last week could go on for days.  But it's quite clear to me that people are either 1)lacking skills or 2) not equipped with the know-how of expressing those skills.  Sad.

I called one gal to set up an interview - 5 minutes into the conversation and negotiating of the date/time, I was sorry I had even called her.  She had me working for her just on the interview scheduling.  I could already see how this one will turn out.  It will be a short interview - as I'm already off-put.  Not to mention her phone etiquette was horrendous and she had the personality of a door knob.  Maybe we'll get 8" of snow today and I'll just call and cancel her interview.  Bleh.

Of the 60 resumes I received - 4 are worth talking to further.  Well 3 actually since that one has me irritated.  Pathetic.  And frustrating. 

It will somehow all work out I'm sure.  It always does.  It's just another burden on ME until it does get worked out. 

I hear rumor from the husband that bathroom #1 remodel is going to begin next week - WOO HOOO!!!!!!!  Bring on the new, clean, functional bathrooms!  I.CANNOT.WAIT.  I also heard rumor he's going to have the blonde help him.  That should be interesting. 

Snow and 10 degrees today -the winter seems excessively long and tedious this year.  I'm not sure why - perhaps it's the 5 snow days the kids have already had?  I'm so thankful I get to avoid the elements 90% of the time - I'm spoiled that way.  I HATE cold weather.  And today it's bitterly cold - take your breath away - pierce your lungs- cold.  And guess what?  I have to get out in it - IN A DRESS AND HEELS.  God help me. 

LOVE.THAT.GIRL

Tonight's the big night!!  Snowball!!!  The brunette is having half the sophomore class over for pictures before the big event - it's fun watching them actually - I'll be honest - I enjoy watching them.  I enjoy watching HER.  She's so.... at ease.  Confident.  Sure of herself. 

The other day we were at the beauty shop getting our hairs done and as I sat in the chair while the gal put tin foil in my hair - I could no longer see the brunette in the waiting area.  Where did she go?  Where is she?  So we walked out there and there she was - on the floor - in front of the fireplace - with her homework spread out all around her.  Just perfectly at home. In the beauty shop. And in her own skin.  Had her shoes kicked off, her music playing on her phone.  Plugging away on her studies.  LOVE.THAT.GIRL!

Last night was the big crowning of the snowball royalty.  The brunette couldn't attend because she had to work.  Not once did she complain.  She had a smile on her face the entire drive to work and smiled and kissed me on her way out of the car.  She worked until 8:30 then we dropped her off at the big game - and there was at that game - in her work uniform, stinking of grease and onion and likely didn't have a care in the world.  LOVE.THAT.GIRL!!

Her date tonight is a friend of hers.  A chubby little short guy.  She's donning 4" heels and will no doubt tower above him.  And she rocks her dress like Fergie.  When I suggested she might be taller than her date, she said, "Well - I guess he better get some heels then."  LOVE.THAT.GIRL!!

Confident.  Kind hearted.  Sure of herself.  Knows what she wants.  Doesn't falter for anyone.  I pray that's the way she stays..........

Hypocritical much?

And now.  Having bitched through two posts about Facebook, I have successfully spent an entire evening terrorizing my friends on Facebook with my banter and bullshit.  Why?  Because I'm bored.  I got a call at 10:00 a.m. from the Prodigal Son - coming home tonight and bringing a friend.  TOTAL wrench in the system.  Grocery shopping, cleaning and cooking were NOT on my agenda for the day. 

But I regrouped and managed to take care of ALL the shit on my plate including the extra stuff - and cooked up the world's biggest pot of spaghetti.  Only to get a text telling me that the homecoming was off as he has practice tomorrow and isn't sure that he will make it home at all this weekend. 

ARGHHHHHHHHHH.  So now that I'm all wound up and rearin' to go - here I am - creeping on people on Facebook.  I'm a hypocrite and I'm proud of who I am.

So Long Dolt!

So after my ranty post about Facebook the other day, I found myself liquored up later that night - which was totally unrelated to Facebook and also totally unintentional.  I didn't mean to be liquored up - but it just hit me that way and so that's where I was.  Anyway - there I was - liquored up - and ranting AGAIN about Facebook.  Seriously, because I have NOTHING more important or pressing going on in my life, I have to rant about Facebook for a full 24 hours - well actually more because in theory, I'm still ranting if I'm still writing, right?  Right.  ANYWAY - there I was all liquored up - (did I already say that part?) - and I hopped on Facebook and just started unfriending people.  People with whom I'm really not familiar.  I think we must have gone to high school together or something - but seriously I have no clue who they are.  The name is familiar - but not the face. AND they're not interesting. 

Because of the liquored-up state I was in - I honestly have no clue WHO I deleted or how many of them were actually deleted.  But I know I felt very smug as I was going through the process.  And to Paige - you are not the former employee of whom I mentioned previously.  And your mother is at least interesting.  You two survived the cut.  And Misfit - you can stalk me all I want.  That's fine.  You're not bothering me.  And I had to keep all the young people - because they're a great means to my creepin' cause when it comes to trying to cipher out what my kids are up to.  But the lame adults - gone.  Buh bye. 

Winter formal is tomorrow  - and I'm not totally pissed and stressed.  I still can't explain why.  I think half the sophomore class is coming to my house to take pictures.  Well - I mean to have their picture taken.  I was going to clean the house but now I am thinking there will be so many people in the house that no one will be able to even see the floor anyway so it seems rather silly to go to all that effort.  I wonder though if I should have the husband knock out a few walls or build a large studio prior to then?  The list keeps growing and growing.  Funny how these people travel in packs.  I had no clue.  It should be a ball to see them all together though!! 

No. We cannot be "Friends" Butthankyouverymuchanyway

Is anyone else growing tired of Facebook?  I am.  Don't get me wrong - my voyeuristic tendencies are really fulfilled by this social media mecca.  But in some ways - it's like living in a house with no curtains.  Or walls.  Or closets in which to hide.  Sure.  You can control WHAT you post on Facebook.  And at times I forget what a broad audience my posts are hitting.  I know some of the posts have been offensive to some - but brought joy to others at the same time.  And then when I try to please the masses - I find myself posting benign shit that no one in the world could possibly give a shit about.  What's the point?

I have hidden so many people from my news feed that I really wonder why I even remain friends with them.  People who post nothing but angry political propaganda.  People who post nothing but Bible scripture.  People who post NOTHING but bullshit from games they evidently play on Facebook all day long.  Those people bore me.  Would I really hang out with someone that only screamed about hating the President all the time?  No.  Would I spend time with someone who quoted scripture all day?  No.  Is my judgment of these people fair?  No.  It's not.  They are using Facebook as their platform to promote their cause - but that doesn't mean they're not good people who deserve to be "hidden" from my daily life.  But seriously - shut.the.fuck.up.  Oh - and quit playing stupid assed games on the computer all day.  These people are the most pathetic of all.  Get a life. 

It's also funny to me the things people will say on Facebook - things they would otherwise never say to someone's face.  Or maybe they would.  And most certainly now that they've gained confidence by saying it online, they'll now start making their brazen statements face-to-face.  What a world it will be - when everyone freely speaks their mind without regard to the feelings of those around them.  It's interesting to me - the number of "friends" I have on Facebook.  Yet, honestly, I SEE only a fraction of those people on a regular basis - and interact with even fewer either on the phone or electronically.  Most of my really trusted and true friends aren't even on Facebook.  Funny.  I have this entire other life - my Facebook life.  Filled with inanimate faces of people who post random shit about what's on their mind. 

Periodically someone I've forgotten I'm "friends" with will comment on my wall or my status - and when I see their name pop up, I think, "oh FUCK - I totally forgot I was friends with this person."  I mean seriously - do you really forget your friends?  NEVER has one of my walking talking friends shown up at my door and I've had that feeling of, "Oh yeh - I forgot we were friends." 

Or how about the people that WANT to be your friend.  Really?  Can I be your friend?  I know  you don't remember me - and we've never talked - but I know you from Joe and I want to spy on you and such - so can't we be friends too?  Ummm.  Negatory.  Yesterday it was the mother of a former employee asking to be my friend.  I have the former employee blocked - and it took me quite a while to figure out who the mother was - I saw we had 5 friends in common - but frankly - those 5 friends have nothing in common so I was dumbfounded as to who this person was and how they knew these 5 friends of mine who don't know each other.  But no. Thank you mother of former employee - I don't want to be your Facebook friend.  I've never met you, your offspring was a total pain in my ass and I have no clue why you would even WANT to be my friend. 

Oh - and to any of you who saw the video of me on Facebook - the one where I was dancing - the one my daughter shot and posted?  No.  I was NOT drunk.  I was stone cold sober in the middle of a Saturday afternoon.  My back was stiff and I needed to move around - and I was bitchy so I needed to turn my frown upside down before I left for a game watching party.  This dancecapade in the kitchen solved all those ailments.  Yes.  I'm just that fucking weird.  I dance alone in my kitchen - sober. 

Well, that's all - I'm off to cull through my friends - it's a daunting daily task - but one that must be completed.