Friday, November 5, 2010

More Hair Talk

I shouldn't even talk about this.  I shouldn't even show it.  Or discuss it.  Or admit it.  But since this blog is all about inane truths - I'm doing it anyway.

Last night I found a stray hair.  It's not the first.   And I'm sure it won't be the last.  I find them in the damndest places at the damndest times.  Driving down the road, on my way to an important meeting, glance in the visor mirror and BAM!  Fucking goat hair 2" long on my chin.  Or on my cheek.  Or maybe on my neck.

But this time it was different.  I was at home.  And I spotted it on my SHOULDER.  I first saw it like 2 weeks ago and couldn't locate the tweezers so ignored it.  But tonight  - it was out of control.  Almost to the point that I hesitated to pluck it - because a small part of me really wanted to wait and see just how long it might actually grow if I were to leave it alone.  But then the OCD set in and it HAD.TO.GO.

The toothbrush is there to give you perspective on its amazing length.  Don't worry - the toothbrush belongs to the husband and Aunt Flo made me do it - I didn't want to set the hair next to his toothbrush - but her will is stronger than mine and so it came to be that his toothbrush was used as the comparison measuring device.  Don't worry - I put it back before he ever knew.  I don't think he really likes Aunt Flo.  But I can assure you - she despises him even more.  She has some type of fucked up vendetta against him that I don't quite comprehend.

I, personally, would have used a ruler.  Or an earring.  Or a stick of gum as the measuring device.  But she kept screaming out "Grab the husband's toothbrush - it's right there and so handy - just use it to measure your shoulder goat hair against!!"  She won that battle.  I am no rightful opponent against this evil bitch.  I used to be - but lately she overpowers me with her sickening control and desire to rule the universe.  I'm just too tired to battle her so I let her have her way thru the duration of her visit.

But back to this hair  - SERIOUSLY?  Who the fuck grows a single goat hair of that magnitude on their SHOULDER?  What the hell did I do to Mother Nature to deserve this abuse?  Why?  Why does this happen to women?  I don't get it.  And chances are, I never will.  What I do know and understand is that searching for random bullshit hair is soon going to become an all-consuming task.  And it just seems so.... unfair.  I mean, I've been a regular shaver, groomer of the hairs.  A fanatic some might say.  But this new crazy assed display of hair will likely be the death of me.

I back-comb my hair daily - because.... I LIKE big hair.  I was recently informed that this act will cause your hair to FALL OUT and you'll go bald.  Are you shitting me?  Oh well - at least I'm now growing hair on my back and instead of the comb-over - I can do the comb-UP - from my back to my forehead.  It's going to be a GREAT look.  ALL.THE.RAGE.  I can already see it.

Flo brings more surprises with her each time she visits.  Maybe next visit she'll plant hair on my increasingly shrinking (is that an oxymoron) breasts!  And then I can just do the hair shawl type of thing.

My adventures in life are abundant.  Don't be a hater.

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