Thursday, December 2, 2010

You'll NEVER make any friends that way........

Today I ran in to do my weekly grocery shopping - I like to do it on Thursdays because there are fewer people AND my favorite sacker works on Thursdays!  YAY!  I love Don.  He is mentally challenged.  I'm not being facetious people - I'm serious here - he does.  Don't ask how I know - I just know.  I can tell.  I'm smart that way.  Anyway - Don - he's probably in his 60's or so.  And I always look for the line that he's working and I always go through his line.  I.LOVE.THE.WAY.HE.PACKS.MY.GROCERIES.

It's eerie like he's been to my house before - the way he packs my groceries - it literally only takes me 5  minutes to put away an entire week's worth of goodies if he's packed my bags.  He's amazing!!  So last time I was there - a couple weeks ago - I was in his line and I commented to the checker that I loved Don and he does an amazing job with sacking the groceries - perfect every time!  Unlike the one dipshit that puts every item in its own bag.  Or his twin brother that puts ALL the items in ONE bag and you can't lift the damned thing.  Don is just perfect.  The checker gave me a fake smile and that look - you know the one, "You're a crazy fucker!"  So I said it again.  And she gave me the same look and fake smile.  I thought, man!  That's rude - none of these people are nice to Don.  None of the checkers EVER speak to him - it's like he's invisible or something.

So, me - being the nice person I am - spoke to Don the last time I was there.  I told him he does a great job and I love the way he sacks my groceries.  He acted embarrassed and continued talking to himself under his breath.  I usually listen to him to make sure he's not plotting to go postal or something.  And typically what's coming out of his mouth is totally benign.  Chatter about the groceries he's packing and walking himself through how they should be packed, etc.

So TODAY - I go through Don's line and he must have remembered me or something - because he immediately greeted me and asked me how I was.

Don:  Hi!  How are you today?

Me:  I'm fine thank you Do..

Don: I'm pretty good too myself.  All things considering and all.  I mean it could be better but it could be worse and all. But for the most part I'm really pretty good.  I mean all things considering. Some days are better than others and then others are worse but for the most part I'd say I'm pretty good.  All things considering and all.  I mean it could be worse I think.  No.  I know it  could be worse.  But I know it could be better too.  So I'm not sure.  But yes, for the most part and all things considering I'm pretty good.  The eggs go in this sack here so that's where I'll put them.  But since you asked, I'm pretty good.  For the most part. Could be better, could be worse.  But I'm not complaining other than it could be better.  I'm going to put this sack over here because it's heavy and all and that seems like a good idea.  But I'm not that bad.  I know I could be worse but I'm sure I could be better.

Me: {nodding and constantly smiling at don} {fake, pursed lip smile to the checker} {DON!  SHUT.THE.FUCK.UP.  you will NEVER make any friends if you seriously do not .SHUT.THE.FUCK.UP}

Don:  So on the good days I'm pretty good and on the bad days I could be better but that's life I guess, I mean isn't that what they say anyway?  I mean could be better could be worse?


Don:  Do you want help out with that because I can help you out with that because today I'm pretty good but other da......

Me:  NO.  Thank you Don.  You have a VERY nice day.

And all the way home I laughed.  Poor Don.  He got stuck on a subject matter and could not get out of his endless loop of chattering about better and worse. But seriously - he'll never make any friends that way.  And it occurred to me why, when I go through his line, regardless of the checker, they are not speaking - they never say a single word.  Well no shit.  They are afraid if they speak they will get nevershutsthefuckup Don going.

I think I'll buy Don a Christmas present.  He can't help it if he got stuck in a loop.  It happens to me too.  But usually I've had eleventy five whiskeys at the time.

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