Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I make myself SICK

I really do.  I could barely sleep a wink last night.  Tossing and turning.  Gut wrenching guilt and regret.  I am perfectly able bodied.  Yet, I haven't walked a single step on my treadmill in over 3 weeks.  I am perfectly healthy and yet I don't get my lazy ass up and moving and make the most of every single day of my life.  I take everything with which I have been blessed for granted and abuse it.  It's shameful.  It's a disgrace and I make myself SICK. 

I met this beautiful young woman in 2004 - she was the event coordinator at the hotel where my 20th class reunion AND wedding were held that year.  Yesterday she went to heaven.  And I am SICK.  Of myself.  I didn't know her well and I won't claim to.  I cannot imagine how the people that did know her well feel right now - because I am wrought with sorrow and grief over her passing for some reason.  Because she's young?  Because she left behind a young daughter?  Because I knew her in passing?  Or because she was everything I am not and was forced, by cause of a horrible disease, to really seize life by the horns and live it to the fullest extent because she knew she wouldn't have much time here?  I don't know why I feel the way I do, honestly.  But what I do know is something has GOT to change and I pray that it's not a disease that drives that change in me.  God Bless her family, her friends and her soul.  Let her courage and strength, beauty and grace be a guide for how we should all live our lives and count our blessings daily.

Monday, March 28, 2011


...On my fucking nerves. 

That's all I wanted to say.  Thank you.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Monday - again

Last week I found nearly everyone I encountered to be hateful, cynical, non-supportive, demanding and just overall shitty to be around.  I checked the lunar calendar AT LEAST 3 times - thinking it must be a full moon.  But it was not.  It was only a waxing moon.  Then on Friday, Aunt Flo made her appearance.  AH!!!  AH HA!!!  It was likely HER.  Hijacking their communications, twisting them into fucked up little messages and then delivering them to me:

Them:  Can you review this and see if it needs updating?

What I heard:  This looks like shit and I can't understand why you haven't updated it before now.  It's not like you're doing anything else.

The whole week this shit went on until I was left in a pile of defeated tears.  Too tired to function.  Too tired to even drink a beer.  Just defeated.  And tired.  So I pretty much slept all weekend.  I'm hoping this week will be better.  Although I am still pretty pissed for the way people spoke to me last week. 

And I have NOT been in control of MY TIME as I should be in a ROWE.  My time is being controlled and dictated at the moment which is no doubt why I'm so stressed.  I do not like my time and life to be controlled by others.  It is the one thing that absolutely puts me over the edge.  But because it is right now, I'm feeling very much like I used to pre-ROWE.  I'm optimistic this will change in the near future.  I'm hoping it will.  Please say it will?!?

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I've done it again.....

cheated the blonde.  I have been so incredibly busy at work that honestly in the evening, I cannot remember what I've worked on throughout the day.  It's a constant blur of movement from one activity/project to the other.  Just getting shit done.  Yesterday was no different.  I'm training a new employee and if you've ever had to do this, you will understand that it is taxing - regardless of how bright and quick to learn the new employee is.  The constant sound of my voice instructing and teaching makes me weary and by the end of the day I was spent.  It likely didn't help matters that I haven't been sleeping that well - getting up at insane hours of the morning and unable to sleep through the night successfully.  WAH WAH WAH. 

Anyway, I got home a little after 5:30 and the blonde was starving.  STARVING.  86 the pork chops I thought I'd cook (AGAIN) - and go to plan B - bean tostadas.  They're super fast and easy.  10 minutes from pantry to table.  Amidst the chaos, the blonde announces that it is "Tech Night" at her school.  WHAT?  I thought for certain I had successfully missed that fucking event.  And the thought of going over to that teeny school, parking 1/2 mile away and walking along a country road to the building, then being cramped inside with a bunch of screaming kids while they run from room to room checking out the technology - all a guise for the PTO wanting money to purchase more technology - was just more than I could handle.  So I told her I did not want to go.  I looked over at her and there she stood - the blue flier in hand - staring at it.  And my heart ached for her.  It really did.  It still does, actually.  And for a fleeting moment, I considered mustering up the energy to entertain her request, but then she flitted off to another room and engaged herself in a different activity - so I figured I had won that battle. 

I have GOT to change my attitude toward HER activities.  How do other parents with multiple children - those that are spread out in age like mine - handle this?  With the prodigal son, I was VERY involved - it was new - he was my first.  I was naive and thought it was fun.  With the brunette, I became less interested in school related activities and events as I noticed that in the end, the shit wasn't fun and after graduation - it just doesn't matter.  But with the blonde - I can't even muster up the energy to fake a desire to participate in that shit.  And I wonder what it does to her.  The baby.  The one who never got to attend anything outside of normal school hours because her parents were too tired.  Sick of the bullshit.  Worn out from the chaos.  Fully aware that after graduation - it just doesn't matter.  Irritated the schools even have this shit - any of it.  Talent shows, skating parties, exercise nights.  Why?  They're there for an education - aren't they?  If the PTO wants money for technology - just ask - I'll send you some.  But I don't need to attend some screaming mimi activity at the school to be convinced.  As a matter of fact, I'm more apt to give you more money if you just leave me the fuck alone and quit hosting this shit. 

But at the end of the day, and at the first glimpse of dawn - the guilt of not participating and allowing her the opportunity to have these experiences overwhelms me and I know I have to change my approach.  If you have children spread out in age - how do you do it?  What tips and advice can you offer me to help me?