Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Y'all remember the notebook, right?  The handy dandy, my-entire-life-is-in-this-notebook, notebook?  From graduation?  And it has my 2010 goals in it and all that other jazz?  Well, I had to dig it out the other day - I needed to make a list - a new list - and I noticed my last entry in it was dated 5/28/10.  What.the.fuck.  There was a time when I relied so heavily on that notebook that not having it at my fingertips for even an hour threw me into a major panic.  And here it was - not used for several weeks.  But now  - - - a new event is impending and I must return to my safe place - the notebook.

The brothers-in-law are coming to visit this weekend.  They haven't been to our place for two years and we haven't seen them since we visited them last summer.  So this is a  Not as big as the health care reform act, mind you - but kind of like that.  So many things to do - so much shit to buy.  So many plans to be made, lists to be written.  And my mind is just reeling.  As the 4th of July celebration rapidly grows from an intimate family party to a full blown fucking kegger.  (I'm not really buying a keg - but it might be cheaper - but it gives me a horrible headache - so no.  I'm not going there).  It's hard to be popular and in demand at times.  When people ask what we're doing for the 4th - "We're having a party!"  Which must be, obviously, immediately followed with, "you should come over!"  It will be fun!  I'm looking forward to.  But I admit - I am currently having my normal guest anxiety - the stuff where I run through my mind how all these different people from different walks of life converge together on my deck.  Ultimately - I'm just worried that they all have fun and enjoy themselves.  And for some strange reason - I own that responsibility.  When in reality - it's THEIR responsibility to engage with others and make their own fun.  But alas, I feel as though it's my job to ensure a good time is had by all. 

And therein lies the root of my stress.  And need to make lists.  Lists that include tasks that involve making other lists.  Tasks like:  Menu.  Grocery List.  You know- in case I was too stupid to remember that determining the menu would then require a grocery list. Thank GOD I have it written down so I don't forget it all.  Then there are the things like - where will they sleep?  Do we have a decent set of towels?  Pillows?  And the laundry - the sheets and pillows and blankets must all smell like downy fresh bliss because when the brothers pass out after a long day of drinking in the sun - this shit really fucking matters.  It does.  On the list it says: DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH.  I hope to fuck someone pins that on my chest or tattoos it on my wrist so I can continually be reminded of that throughout the day.  And then there's the other list - the one the husband makes:  Trim trees.  Yeh.  I'm pretty fucking concerned about the trees right now.  And the arguments that lead up to the party - WHAT TO EAT?  The mother-in-law decided on tacos.  Cheap.  Easy.  Make ahead.  Eat when you want, as many times as you want.  The husband cries.  He wants grilled food.  But he'll get to drinking and playing and forget to grill the food so someone else will have to do it.  Or he'll start the food on the grill and get busy drinking and playing and burn the shit out of the food.  He always wants something that requires I spend 90% of my day in the kitchen prepping or cooking the food.  Fuck it.  We're having TACOS.  Case closed. 

I will spend Friday cleaning that fucking hell hole of a house of mine.  And he will meander around outside - tyring to look busy.  Doing things like changing out the nails on a board because he didn't like the way those other nails were looking.  And by the time the brothers arrive - we will be close to killing each other.  It's how it works.  I'm used to it.  I know what to expect.  But it will ALL be NEW to him - he will act as if we've never gone through this before.  And I will have to explain it all to him AGAIN.  And he will nod.  And agree.  And then cuss me as I leave the room. 


UPDATE:  OH  - and would it be possible to have ONE complete conversation with the husband without an interruption from his fucking cell phone ringing and him answering it?  Jesus Christ.  He's worse than an old woman on the gossip chain. 

Monday, June 28, 2010

It's MY Time - GIVE IT TO ME!

It's my 102nd post!  Wow!  I passed the 100 mark and we didn't even celebrate.  Well - we will at the 200 mark - I promise - and really - the last couple of posts are really kind of verging on the brink of not even counting, right?  Oh well, whatever!  Thank you for reading along for all 102 of my mundane posts and for your comments and insight!  I appreciate your fellowship very much!

Today I have done the sum total of ZILCH relative to WHAT I WANT TO DO.  What I want to do is lay in my pool and read books and listen to music.  What I HAD to do was go to work and train a new employee - all day.  The entire live long day.  And now I'm home and see that I HAVE to attend a t-ball game.  Well, somewhere in there what I'd really like to do is have a beer and lay here and stare at the ceiling.  My brothers-in-law are coming to visit this weekend, so I OUGHT to start cleaning this house.  So many things TO DO and not a single one of them anything I WANT to do.  What.the.fuck. 

I don't even have any funny stories to tell.  Or situations to relate.  How pathetic is that?  VERY.  With all my new found desire to rejuvinate myself professionally, my mind is reeling with thoughts and ideas and since I tend to be fairly OCD - it's ALL I can think about.  Why is finding balance so damned difficult for me?  Why can I not figure out how to focus on something for a bit - put it back in the box and move on to the next thing I need to focus on?  Why is it that I must always approach things 120% and not find balance in my life.  It's exhausting.  I should go for a walk and clear my head - that's what I SHOULD do.  And I want to do it - I really do - I feel so much better after I go for a long walk.  But dinner needs to be made because we HAVE to jet to this t-ball game.  What I am sick of is other shit and people dictating how MY time - MY TIME IN LIFE - will be spent.  It's old.  And it's my number ONE pet peeve.  I have got to find a way to get control of my time back.  I'm on a mission here - wish me luck!

Right now - I'm headed out to start marking shit off my calendar - none of which has my name on it or is anything I WANT to do. 

Sunday, June 27, 2010


Okay - so yesterday I totally slathered my entire torso in NAIR.  That's right people - NAIR.  I mistook it for a bottle of sunscreen.  It happens.  Don't judge. 

That's all. 

Friday, June 25, 2010

New Stuff

If you have any interest at all in following My Journey Back - I invite you to do so at:

Inane Truths will remain an indecipherable, potty-mouthed rant - no fear!


I'M CALLING BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have to call it as I see it and I've seen enough of it already this morning - so I'm calling it!!

1.  Are you fucking kidding me?  A news item about a 2" turtle that wasn't allowed on a plane?  Seriously?  Is this the best we can come up with?  People are starving, homeless, out of work, suffering, dying and we're worried that AirTran wouldn't let some damned kid bring their 2" pet turtle on the plane?  First off - pet turtles are fucking stupid.  You can't play with them.  They aren't soft, fuzzy, affectionate, or amusing.  Turtles sit there.  And then, every few hours, they might move - to a location 6" from the last place they were sitting in their cage.  Second of all, who the fuck takes a pet turtle with them on a flight?  Do you take your fish with you when you go on vacation?  NO. (Fish are equally stupid pets but at least they can be beautiful to watch - not ours of course - because our tank is pond sludge).  What parent tells a kid "Yes - you can take SlowPoke on vacation with us!"  Good GOD people - pull yourselves together and get a clue.  THEN - the whole ordeal makes the national news including a live interview?  And all the little brat with the turtle could do is sit there and stroke the turtle's shell and look at it lovinglin.  IT'S A FUCKING TURTLE - IT CANNOT FEEL YOU PETTING IT - NOR DOES IT FIND ANY REWARD OR FLATTERY BY YOUR ACTIONS.  I wanted to punch that mother in the face and then grab the turtle from the child and throw it across the room.  There.  Problem solved.  SlowPoke is dead - he didn't want to go to Disney Land anyway. 

2.  Our summer daycare is having "Family Fun Day" today.  Well guess what?  We work.  That's why we pay YOU $110/week - to watch and entertain our child so we can WORK and not feel guilty that she's not getting any social interaction or doing anything entertaining over her summer break.  So guess what else?  As a result of your piss poor planning - there will be a group of children there that feel pretty fucking special because their family is present and having a 3-legged race with them, and then there will be my daughter's group - the ones whose parents are NOT there and feel fucking shitty about their family.  Is that really the desired results you were after?  THINK people - THINK.  If you want to have a family fun activity - do it in the fucking evening when mommies and daddies are NOT at work.  Idiots.  I have a right mind to just tell them how stupid they are.  So off goes my 7 year old - in her jeans (because it's going to be 96 today and she refuses to wear shorts) and her Sturgis shirt (because evidently we are bikers) - looking forlorn because she knows that she will be in the group with no family present.  God I hope she's in a group.  I really hope she's not the only one without a family there.  Thanks fuckers.  For providing me this horrible horrible guilty feeling that I haven't felt in many many years.  I HATE YOU.

3.  I thought I was growing an organic garden.  I really did.  I think I even bragged about it.  I think I heard the husband brag about it.  Well this morning I caught him with some bottle of chemical - mixing up a concoction of death and disfigurement into a giant spray bottle.  I asked what it was and it's methalion?  Or something like that.  Sounded like Agent Orange to me.  He's spraying it all over the vegetables.  But assures me that it wears off in 7 days.  Or we can't eat the vegetables for at least 7 days after it's been sprayed.  I don't know.  But I'm sure as hell glad I spotted him in action.  So I would know.  I mean fuck - what if I were to have walked out there and popped a cherry tomato into my mouth right off the vine?  I might have grown a second head or third arm (which actually could be of use so I would likely be okay with that one).  Despite the fact that I've given him many organic solutions as suggestions - it's just easier and more of a sure thing to just blast the garden with pesticide.  Whatever.

I'm looking forward to the rest of my day with great anticipation of seeing more bullshit.  I'll update y'all when I do. 

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Liberation and Hope

Well, I finally committed to reading those books I was talking about the other day.  I didn't have much to do at work that was terribly pressing, so I seized that opportunity to crack open the "Work Sucks and How to Fix It" book by Cali Ressler ; Jody Thompson.  And as I was reading it, I paused to check email and noticed I had an email from Cali Ressler herself!  Remember I told you I had emailed them at and then a day or two later, one of their team members commented on my blog because Google Alerts notified him that I had blogged about them?  Remember all that?  Well if not, just read a few of most recent posts and you'll get a refresher. 

So there it was - in my inbox - Cali Ressler was emailing me AS I was reading her book!  And she was asking if we could have a conference call!!!  I am so freakin' excited right now!  So, I told her how I was reading the book right at the moment and how I was on like page 47 or something like that, and that I was certain I could have the book read by next week so I would love to chat with her on the phone!  I wanted to jump up and yell out to everyone - HEY!!! Cali Ressler wants to talk to me!!  But no one there knows who she is (yet) and besides they likely wouldn't care.  Or maybe they would.  Perhaps I don't give them enough credit.

So, I continued my reading and by 2:30 I was so "into" the whole ROWE concept, that I stood up, shut down my computer, picked up my things and came home to finish reading the book while laying in my pool.  It was a beautiful day with low humidity and frankly - I can read the book outside just as well as I can inside.  I didn't feel guilty - I didn't explain why I left.  I simply said "good bye" and walked out.  I had shared the information and book title with my colleague and he was pretty excited about it also.  And as I was reading the book and enjoying my pool, I got an email from him - telling me he could get behind something like this 100% - I replied back:  "I've already adopted it - I'm at home reading the book while floating in my pool."  I didn't hear back from him.  He was likely jealous. 

Anyway - so I'm thinking that I'll start another blog - one that documents my efforts and learnings about this ROWE concept - As soon as I get that up and going, I'll return to posting about daily bullshit that annoys me on this one so y'all can get your fix from my rants.  I'll give you the link to the other one I start also - but I'd really like to keep the two separate.  Because I'm not yet done bitching and entertaining y'all with my daily musings on life!

Oh - and since it was only 5:00 when I finished the Work Sucks book, I went ahead and started on the No Assholes book.  I finished it also- mainly because I ended up just skimming through it - it was such a mundane obvious read after the Work Sucks book.  I can't recommend it (No Assholes) - it basically says that you shouldn't have assholes at work because they kill the spirit and drive of others and cause psychologic upset in the otherwise balanced workplace.  Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada.  I didn't really need a 200+ page dissertation to tell me what I already suspected.  I think the author could well have summed it up on a poster or something.  BUT - I can DEFINITELY recommend the Work Sucks book - if you're looking to read something that is so contrary to your beliefs about work and being successful, yet makes such perfect logical sense to you - GET THAT BOOK!!!!  Just do it - trust me!  I already convinced one person to buy a copy - now you go get one too!  Oh and remember how I told you in that one post the other day that I thought the concept should be tried out in governmental agencies?  Yeh, well evidently this Cali and Jody are smart like me and THEY'VE ALREADY HEADED THAT WAY!!!  Look to hear more about that on the Federal level!!!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Books and Blogs

So, if you're following along, you'll recall that I ordered a bunch of books.  Well three, to be exact.  I had like 12 picked out, then decided that was an awful lot of books, so I just ordered three for now and has this cool thing where you can mark things "save for later" in your cart.  They invented that for people with CRS - like me.  I love them!

My package from Amazon arrived today!  Three beautiful, exciting books -

1.  Hundred Percenters - Mark Murphy
2.  The No Asshole Rule - Robert I. Sutton, PhD
3.  Work Suck & How to Fix It - Ressler & Thompson

I don't know which one to open first!  #2 and #3 are packaged together in shrink wrap - for no other reason than that's how I'm sure they were at the giant bookstore in the sky.  #1 is open and ready for me to read.  But #1 is about challenging your employees to give it their all - and evidently they will then give you even more.  But I'm torn.  If my ultimate goal is drive change in the culture - shouldn't the culture from the top down change before I drive people to give me more?  I mean - seriously.  Which came first?  The chicken or the egg.  I've been fondling these books for 3 hours, trying to determine which one to delve into first.  I just cannot decide. 

So, I exercised in the pool for half hour, then drank beer on the deck while I pondered the situation.  And I did start reading "The Little Prince" with Daughter #2 last night.  But I think it's one of those very profound, thought provoking books, and I'm lost - because I'm reading it out loud to her.  But she seems totally intrigued by it.  We read several chapters last night, and fearful she was bored by it, I asked her to share her thoughts with me.  And she had some!  About the book.  She admitted it was weird, and she wasn't sure where the story was headed, but she definitely wanted to hear it out to see what happens.  I was proud.  I love literature.  There is nothing more satisfying than interpreting a beautifully written book, poem or short story - or blog for that matter.  I'm sure I provide all of you devout followers with that same level of satisfaction and intrigue with each post.  (Just go with it, okay - I already told you I am likely PMSing - don't piss me off).  But for a 7 year old to actually stay awake during this book (The Little Prince - not the No Asshole Rule - although she did ask if we were reading that next) AND to not yet have made a determination about its meaning - I was dumbfounded.  I might have found our connection!  Which is tough when kids get to be about 7.  They're no longer babies, yet they are not yet adults - and because they are not yet teenagers and still want to be around you - it's hard to find a common ground with them.  At least for me it is.  Maybe I'm just weird.  (Opinions may be kept to yourselves, thank you.)

I do judge a book by its cover many times.  So I was hoping that the covers would direct me to which one of these crafts I should crack into first.  But all the covers are WHITE, with black and red lettering.  They all look so very similar.  And all the titles are obviously intriguing to me - since the title is what drew me to them originally.  Oh, what to do, what to do?????  Since I like to take snippets of books and advice and combine them into my own formula and theory - perhaps I'll read them all at the same time.  Or maybe I'll just admire them forever and never actually open any of them.  It's a poser.  Maybe I'll just go have another beer and sit in silence with the husband.  I'm not much in a chatty mood tonight, so sitting in silence sounds pretty relaxing and inviting.  These books will be here tomorrow. 

Oh - and a few days ago - the folk commented on my blog when I mentioned their book.  I was so ecstatic!!!  So I immediately emailed him.  And on Sunday I had already emailed them anyway - and I was pretty certain ONE of them would get back to me - just to tell me "hey" or maybe even to tell me stop talking about their amazing concept on my fucked up blog.   But you know what?  NO RESPONSE.  I'm beginning to wonder if ROWE means NO WORK?????  EVER?  Fortunately for them, I've got an in road to someone at Best Buy Corporate where they have implemented this ROWE concept and I can just find out from someone in the field how this really works and IF it works.  Hey ROWE people - if you're reading and your web crawlers pick this up - how about a response?!  It's nice to acknowledge people when they email you!  Even if it is to tell them to go to hell.  I can accept that too.  But to just ignore my inquiries and emails - hellooooooooooooo?!!!  That's RUDE.  Kthanks!   (I'm sure they are just busy and I'm being a paranoid ass again though - so no worries or hard feelings there ROWE people - I still want to chat with you and be friends and colleagues and professional buddies and such - I'm not holding the lack of response against you - -- - - YET).

Monday, June 21, 2010

Mundane Monday

So it's Monday.  You know how that goes, right?  Everyone is dangling from the last scraggly nerve I have.  I think they do it intentionally, to be honest with you.  I stayed up too late, I drank too many beers, I got up half-hour late, I had to turn around and go back home because I'd forgotten a lighter, I hit my shoulder on the car door - all before 8:15 a.m.  Well, the staying up late and too many beers part - that was actually YESTERDAY - but the rest was before 8:15 a.m.  Well, I guess yesterday IS before 8:15 a.m. also, but I didn't want y'all thinking I was drinking the beers before I went to work.  I was, but then I slept for 8 hours, so it's not the same thing as what you were thinking.  Nevermind.  Y'all are on my nerve too.  You know what I mean.  I did make it to the office on time for my 8:30 conference call - because being IN the office FOR the conference call is just highly fucking critical - because you know - it's not something you can just do from anywhere. 

Then I spent the day playing catch up and meet.  Meet about this.  Meet about that.  Race the clock to get the work done.  I'm not sure why I felt so rushed and behind today, but I did.  I also felt stifled.  Maybe it's just PMS.  We'll see what tomorrow brings.  Likely more hot and steamy weather, but maybe something good will come up.

Daughter #1 is in Florida for the week.  I miss her terribly and she's only been gone a day - she's my favorite brunette daughter!  Miss you sweetie!  (although I don't think she actually reads my blog because I think she thinks I'm mean - which I am not - I'm just brutally honest - I tried to explain that to her, but at 15 I'm not sure she got it - certainly I'll wear off on her someday).  Oh and also, a new commenter on my blog commented that I was angry.  "Angry Much" is what it said.  No.  I'm not angry, reader.  I'm really not.  If I was angry, you'd know it.  Next time I get angry, I'll just post my raw vents and give you a nice wholesome taste of angry so you'll be able to recognize anger from cynisism and sarcasm in the future.  But I did like that you found your way here to this obnoxious blog, and that you even took time out of your life to comment.  THANK YOU!  Sincerely.  I mean that.  I'm not being sarcastic this time.  Seriously.  I genuinely appreciate it!  Screw it - now you're getting on that raggedy nerve of mine.

So last fall, when Daughter #2 turned 7, she wanted a fish.  I am pretty sure it was just last year.  Anyway - I envisioned a single gold fish in a simple bowl that would survive about 4 weeks which would have likely matched up nicely to her attention span.  But the husband?  Hell no.  He has to do everything OVER.THE.FUCKING.TOP.  So he gets her this tank - I don't know how big it is - 10 gallon?  It's not like a huge tank - but it's a rectangular jobbie that required a filter and some other shit and all added up that day to about $300.  The daughter picked out 4 guppy to put in it.  So there we were - with our $300 tank plus accessories and buildings and plants and shit - and our $5 worth of fish.  One by one they've all died off - and she didn't give a shit when they died.  There is a lone catfish in the tank currently.  And the tank looks just like pond scum.  It really is a lovely sight to behold.  The daughter lost interest many many months ago - but the other day she did ask if anyone bothers to feed her fish anymore and could someone please clean out the tank because it is GROSS. 

Yeh.  I'll clean it out - it'll be really simple too - I'll take the whole catfish and kaboodle and dump it in the woods behind the house.  There.  Task complete.  The husband was disgusted with my approach to the matter - "You're not really going to throw the fish away are you?"  FINE - whatever - I'll put the fish in the decorative cess pool pond you have going in the backyard and a toad or snake can eat it, if you feel that's a more humane approach?  He didn't answer so I'm guessing he's just not wanting to get involved.  I'll give it a week and if that tank hasn't been touched, I'm throwing it all out.  Mean?  NO.  I wanted a single goldfish in a BOWL.  Not a damned TANK.  One day these people will listen to me.  (or so I like to keep believing). 

My books from Amazon are not here yet - I had hoped they would be here by today.  Hopefully they shipped today because I'm really anxious to get busy reading them.  It should be a nice, long, painful journey to change.  I'm looking forward to it.  I may have to first take a class on hypnosis or subliminal mind altering.  If I can practice one of those two arts, this convincing of change effort will likely be MUCH simpler.  Does anyone know how to hypnotize people without them being aware of it?  Oh Jesus - maybe I've been hypnotized to be a perpetual bitcher and that's why I can't stop bitching.  THAT EXPLAINS IT ALL!!  Now - to figure out WHO did this to me so I can have it reversed. 

Gotta go - I need to make a list of every person I've encountered the last 30 years and hunt down their contact information.  This may take awhile.  Help is appreciated, if you can offer any.  Kthanks!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Barnes & Noble SUCKS

So remember how, a few days ago, I was all super-excited and pumped and shit?  If you've forgotten or are new here - you can read all about it here.  So anyway-  off I go - the VERY next day to B & N to get that book - WORK SUCKS (or something along those lines - that's pretty much the only part of the title that really sticks with me).  And I'm all prepared and have the name of the authors written down because B & N likes to organize their shit by the Author's Last Name - as if I actually pay attention to who writes shit.  It's like being able to identify the actors in movies - I have no clue.  Except for Doris Day - I know her.  Back to the story - THOSE FUCKERS AT B & N DID NOT HAVE THE BOOK IN STOCK.

I don't know why I was surprised.  Or even disappointed.  I shouldn't have been.  I don't think I've EVER, on any occasion, gone into the local B & N and found what I was looking for.  It's a painful reminder that there's just a good damned chance I don't belong here in this wretched little town.  Of course they don't have a book about Results Only Work Environment.  The concept is just too progressive for this wanna-be hip town.  A town laden with Federal, State and Local government employees.  A town that thrives off the employees that fill the DMV office with their disdain for their jobs.  I wonder what kind of service I might get down there at the DMV if the governmental offices adopted the ROWE approach?  I wonder if I would wait in line for 45 minutes, only to watch three gals get up to take their assigned break and leave me standing there for another 15 minutes if they were working under ROWE?  I bet they could process through a whole shit-ton more tax payers if they actually FUCKING WORKED toward RESULTS instead of on a clock. 

I think I'm on to something there.  I'm not going to say any more about it because I really don't want you stealing my ideas.  But be it safe to assume that I'm going to send them a copy of the book.  I don't who them are yet and I'll have to do some research to figger out which of the dipshits is actually in charge - but I think there's something to be said for them considering this concept. 

Anyway - back to B & N - so there I was - pissed.  And yet determine to leave there with a book.  So I did.  I bought the Daughters some books and I also bought, what is evidently a classic but which I've never heard of (go figure), "The Little Prince"  - or something like that.  See - I don't even know the name of it.  Then I left that shit hole and drove to Starbucks to order a Soy Strawberry something or other (again - can't remember the name) and was promptly told they are out of ALL THINGS strawberry.  "Of course you are - this is the arm pit of the USA - I wouldn't expect you to actually HAVE the items marked "new" on your menu."  And so I ordered something that touted itself as low-cal, then drove to the office and got on and ordered up those books I wanted.  But now they will not be here for SEVERAL days. 

If I've lost interest in this new adventure by the time they arrive, which is highly likely, I am SOOO going to kick B & N in the nuts.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Clouds and other shit that makes no sense to me

So yesterday I went to this Webinar - well by "went" I mean I walked across the hall to a different office and sat in a different chair than I normally do - the subject of the webinar had something to do with CLOUD computing.  Which I think means you transmit your data through the innernets and it goes and goes until the wires run out and it's somehow just hanging out there in the clouds.  I'm not sure.  You can look it up if you want. 

So anyway, I was just kind of half-assed listening at the beginning so I really didn't catch the credentials of the presenter, but I did hear her say something about the White House.  And she stated several times that she hoped this would be the best hour of my day - other than one of the hours I was sleeping which was actually her favorite time - but she admitted she also liked doing this Webinar.  That much I remember.  Then I blacked out.  Until I heard her say something about her job at the White House was sort of like that of the Secret Service.  Which prompted me to very quickly wake up and pay attention.  I like the Secret Service - they wear Top Gun glasses and have microphones and could likely break out into karaoke at any time, and I bet they do - that's probably what was going on when President Reagan was shot.  Anyway, she caught my attention.  The Secret Service's job is to put their life on the line, take a bullet for the President - that is what they are trained to do and that is what their purpose is.  Wow.  What a fucking shitty job.  Other than the sunglasses and impromptu karaoke, of course.  But, she explained, that they could only carry out their job IF THEY HAD SIGHT TO THE PRESIDENT.  And if they did not have SIGHT to the President (because evidently the Secret Service does NOT watch the President and the First Lady when they are having sex - who knew?) then they have other compensating controls in place to ensure his safety.  So this is evidently like CLOUD computing - because your data is all up in the clouds and you don't know where it is and you don't know when exactly the wire carrying the data ran out - so you don't really have sight to it - so you have to put into place all these other compensating controls to ensure its safety and security.

And then I blacked out again because she got into all the details of how and what and why and it was over my head but I was still stuck on the data being in the clouds concept and I couldn't wrap my head around it.  They tell me it's not fucking magic (FM) - but I'm pretty sure it is and they're just trying to take advantage of my gullability.  And then I started thinking about this gal and the life she had led - working at the White House as a part of the data security IT team and how cool that must have been and then I decided it likely wouldn't really be that cool, because they probably don't let you wear sandals and shorts to work and there's a good chance you just can't put your phone on Do Not Disturb if you're not in the mood to talk on the phone.  And that's when I heard her bring up the Secret Service AGAIN.  My ears perked up like a dog when he hears the food hit his bowl.  She said that IF the Secret Service was around and IF her life had been in danger and IF the President, First Family, Vice President, etc. lives were not in immediate danger - the Secret Service was also instructed to take a bullet for HER or any other staffer at the White House.  Wow.  So that Secret Service job just keeps getting shittier and shittier.  I mean - I'm not taking any bullet for my IT people. I appreciate their voo doo bullshit they use to fix shit and locate lost data and such - but I really wouldn't want to lose my life over it.  Besides - aren't IT people like a dime a dozen now days?  But I was also thinking that it must have been pretty shitty for her - realizing that ALL those other people had to be safe ahead of her before anyone would protect her.  That has to suck going to work every day realizing that you just aren't that fucking important.  And then she made some analogy that I didn't listen to because I really was curious now - -

Who the fuck came up with these rules of the White House and the Secret Service?  There's probably some website that details it all - but I'm afraid to Google it because I might be put on the terrorist list and that would really suck.  And now I'm wondering if this post is going to be located by the super soaker feelers of the innernets that work for National Security?  Shit.  Now I'm paranoid.  All because of this freakin' Webinar I attended.  Dammit Al Gore - you're ruining my life.  Thanks for nothing.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

By George I think I FINALLY Got It!

So, y'all know I don't really blog about work.  But that reality constantly haunts me.  It really does.  You see, last year I had to get divorced.  From my job. Emotionally.  It was a very very rough year for me and it involved a shit ton of tears and countless hours of me drinking and babbling and my dear husband listening and nodding his head.  I was grieving my emotional divorce.  I had always defined myself as Company X.  And now that I was emotionally detached from Company X - who the hell was I?  I had absolutely NO CLUE.  NONE.  Seriously - I was like, "uhhh - well.... I'm a mother.  I'm a wife.  I'm a friend."  But NO clue who the hell I was.  If I was no longer Company X  - then I had no identity.

This took me MONTHS and several gallons of whiskey to come to terms with, but I knew it was the very best thing for me.  I was consumed with Company X.  I lived and breathed the place.  I talked about it every chance I got - to anyone who was within ear shot.  Hour after hour after hour - I entertained my friends and family with relentless stories about Company X.  I had to leave - emotionally.  Then I battled the grief.  I am nothing.  I have nothing to talk about.  I have nothing to offer.  Then, over my Christmas vacation - I had an epiphany - I was NOT Company X any longer - and Company X was not me - it is WHERE I GO and how I pay the bills - but it is NOT me.  Once I had that revelation, I was able to return back to work after vacation and head into 2010 with a new attitude and spirit. 

Or so I thought.  I quickly found myself bored.  Unamused.  Fed up.  Sick of the shit.  But I just kept telling myself - It's WHERE I GO - NOT who I AM.  And I kept trying to convince myself of that.  Day in and day out.  I ran through the daily monotany with my eyes rolled back in my head, listening to my iPod and closing my office door.  Plugging along.  Passing the time.  Wishing it was the next day - or Friday - or any other day than the day it was.  Finding myself saying, "Shut.The.Fuck.Up" under my breath in response to anything pretty much anyone said.  Looking for contentment in a reality that involves me, being held prisoner by the golden handcuffs, in a place where I go every day. 

Today - 6 months into my new universe, I had another epiphany.  It's not THEM.  It's ME.  I used to be a rising super star - on top of my professional game.  Hip to the shit on what I was doing and maybe even somewhat of an expert in my arena.  Now.  I'm a complacent, bitter bitch.  No wonder I'm so miserable.  What happened?  Did I stifle myself?  Did someone stifle me?  I was once even nominated for some Woman of the Year thingie majigger for working women - what was that award?  I should go dig it up and refresh my memory of how with it I was back then.  So, if I am complacent and bored wouldn't it stand to reason that I send off that vibe to others?  And so if that holds true, wouldn't it stand to reason that I have no business being pissed at them and their mediocrity every day since it would evidently be ME that is driving them to that?  B-I-N-G-O and I ain't singing about any dog people! 

I vowed last year when I got divorced from Company X that I would never read another business related book again - convinced myself it wasn't me - I was someone else.  But the revelation today is that it IS me  - being a professional working woman - THAT IS WHO I AM AND WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY.  Denying myself to express my creativity in that venue is slowly killing my spirit and drive for all else.  So - I'm going to read a business book - several of them likely - and first on my list:  Why Work Sucks and How to Fix It.  I am beyond excited to explore this relatively new concept in the workplace.  You, too can check it out at

It totally defies all my beliefs about work in terms of the "you report at this time, you work x number of hours, you do this from here, etc."  But I'm so totally intrigued by it that I MUST explore it.  I can't wait to order it.  Actually I may run to B & N tomorrow WHILE I'M AT WORK and buy it!!  I may just fucking read it at my desk too!  I'm SO excited I can hardly stand it!!

Oh - and also this doesn't mean I will start blogging about work all the time - or bore you with the details of this new adventure I'm on - I'm still me - the cynical one  - and that won't end any time soon!

Oh and also - tomorrow I have a conference call to talk to an expert in the industry about using Facebook and Twitter as means of reaching out to our customer base to keep them informed and educated - I'm SO freakin' excited about being a pioneer and paving a bleeding edge approach to customer service and work styles in our industry - even if ultimately it only impacts Company X.  But it sure does feel good to have something new to look forward to - and it feels good to think I may be able to rekindle the passion I once had for Company X - and this time I PROMISE to keep it in check and not BECOME Company X again.  Really.  I do. 

Monday, June 14, 2010

I don't even have the words to title this properly

God damn would these bitches just SHUT.THE.FUCK.UP?  I sat down to write a terribly profound and meaningful for you all to enjoy, and instead these fucking crazy assed women will not zip it.  The Real Housewives of New York City - they're NUTS - and they ALL TALK AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME.  Jesus.  I'm surprised I still watch this show.  What the hell is wrong with me?  What?  There's more?  There are THREE parts?  Lord help me.  Please save me. 

But before I turn it off or my head explodes - let me consider that these gals are clinically insane.  They have to be - otherwise they make no sense.  If I sit here and watch them and view them as certified nut cases, they're pretty damned impressive.  I'm pleasantly surprised these tools can function as well as they can.  Impressive!  Okay - I'm on board - I'm going to keep watching. 

What are they wearing?  Who dresses like that?  I can't talk right now - I have a train wreck to watch.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


Okay, since I blogged about the songs I hate the VERY most in the whole world here, I thought it was only fair that I also share with you the 10 songs I LOVE LOVE LOVE and can never get enough of - EVER and if you ever come to my house - I will sing them all to you - over and over and over!!!

Again, in random order because I cannot assign a level of love:

  1. Don McLean - "American Pie" - I think I originally loved it because it talked about whiskey - which is really an odd thing for a 7 year old to get excited about but maybe it was just a sign of things to come later in life.
  2. America - "Sister Golden Hair" - I don't even have to explain this one to you - it's just fuckingchockfullofawesomeness.
  3. Neil Diamond - "Brother Love's Travelin' Salvation Show" - yep.  Neil Diamond.  Refused to leave the concert (YES CONCERT shut up) until he sang it.  He's small and was scared of me so he obliged but not until the VERY end.
  4. J. Lo - "I'm Real" - Don't judge.  It reminds me of a time in my life that was very unhappy and then I found my now husband and it was "our song" - I can breathe again - and that's exactly how I felt and everytime I hear it now - I feel that way all over again.
  5. Tracy Chapman - "Fast Car" - " I remember we were driving driving in your car.  The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk."  You know you sing along with it also.
  6. Dr. Hook/The Looking Glass - "Brandy" - Poor thing.  She loved that sailor - but he loved the sea more than her.  All he gave her was that damned locket made of the finest silver from the north of Spain.
  7. England Dan/John Ford Coley - Dammit you people are judgmental STOP! - "I'd Really Love to See you Tonight" - I'm NOT going to explain myself on this one - I just love it!
  8. Heart - "Crazy on You" - there's something about this song cranked up full blast in the car that just does it for me - likely because of my amazing ability to hit all the same notes right along with them
  9. Michael Jackson/Paul McCartney - "The Girl is Mine" - be sure to rewind the part where Paul says, "I don't believe it" - over and over and over and over and make everyone else LOVE this part by your continual rewinding and replaying - people enjoy that! 
  10. REO Speedwagon - "Time for Me to Fly" - and no matter how old you are and how many years since your last heartbreak - you WILL sing it like you're livin' it - trust me on this.
  11. Okay - and one more just for good measure because I cannot leave it off - Journey - "Lights" - another one that requires NO explanation.
Go download all of them - and listen to them and think of me when you do!  You can pay your gratitude to me in booze.  Kthanks.

UPDATE:  Add to the list because it is too good of a sing-along song to NOT be included:  Dr. Hook (yes another one) - "Cover of the Rolling Stone."

What are some of your all-time favorite songs that you MUST sing to every time you hear them?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Random Shit Someone took Pictures of with my phone

I can't seem to carry a cohesive thought for more than about 2 minutes at the moment due to being over-served in my own home last night, so instead, I thought I'd share with you some random photos I found on my phone this evening:

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I'm still alive!

.....sorry for the lack of new posts, fan club!  Been at ball games every night for the last 10 days.  Check back tomorrow evening for some fabulous new material I've been working on though!!!  Never fear - I have not abandoned you!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


I don't usually get too worked up over the kids' toys laying around anymore.  First off, the older ones really don't have "toys" and second off, I'm over it.  But, I HATE THIS FUCKING SCOOTER:

I realize it looks fairly innocuous, but it is a TOTAL fucking pain in the ass. 
It is ALWAYS in my way - just laying there - right exactly where it does NOT belong.  I swear the damned thing is possessed and when it hears me coming, moves itself to the EXACT location I'm headed.  The other night I wanted to get into my booze fridge which is kept in the garage, and when I opened the door to go out there:

Yup.  Right there in front of the fridge - blocking my path.  Fucker.  So I picked it up and while putting it away where I thought it should belong, I cussed it up one side and down the other.  Really gave it a piece of my mind.  I was pretty certain it heard me and was very afraid.  But the next morning when I went to leave for work:

Are you fucking kidding me?  Now it's blocking my way out.  I gave it a good swift kick in the ass this time.  Explained to it AGAIN that it did not belong in places like this and that it was about on my one last raggedy ass nerve.  Yes, I talk to inanimate objects - what's the big deal?  And besides, I already told y'all I'm pretty certain it's possessed - so it's really not an inanimate object because it has a soul of some sort.  Anywho, that night when I got home from work:

Yep.  It had conveniently placed itself blocking my way INTO the house.  What.the.fuck?  First it won't let me out?  Now it won't let me in.  Psycho scooter is what it is.  Well, tonight I found it in a different state of mind.  Just kind of laying around, acting kind of bored and I totally fucking caught it off guard.  AHA!  There you are piece of shit scooter.  And it didn't get up and argue with me, and when I approached it, it didn't give me any hassle or lip.  So I quickly grabbed it by the neck and put it where it really belongs:

I think it looks good there.  Don't you?