Tuesday, January 25, 2011


I have had nothing to bitch or rant about for a full week.  How odd.  Or maybe I'm just immune to the shit that goes on around me.  Or perhaps I've accepted it and moved on?  I know it's not because I've grown tired of listening to myself.  I haven't shut up for 3 weeks straight.  By the time Friday arrives, I will have participated in 36 meetings in 3 weeks.  THIRTY SIX MEETINGS IN 3 WEEKS.  Who the fuck does that?  I don't remember what half of them were about.  But I do see a long list of shit that I need to get done - that grows longer with each meeting.  Working at all hours of the day and night trying to get shit done and still maintain some quality of life.  It's been interesting to say the least - but DOABLE. 

Get this - GET THIS:  I've been busy being interviewed by some PR folks for the ROWE team.  And evidently - my interview will be featured in some blog which is published in the New York Times.  SERIOUSLY?  Who does that?  Bitches about Barnes & Noble on some rambling kind of blog, has their life forever changed and then gets interviewed to be featured in a NYT blog?  How does this shit even happen?  When I started this blog, I had no clue where it would take me - and I can assure you it has NOT led me down the path I had envisioned - where I become the next Erma Bombeck.  But instead I'm on some crazy roller coaster ride that is better than any I've ever been on!!! 

And for further excitement this week:  Dress shopping for the brunette's winter formal.  Oddly, I'm actually looking forward to it this year.  I'm going in for early Alzheimer's detection testing next week.  Until I get back to you with something more meaty that you can really sink your fangs into - remember:  DO RIGHT.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Full Moon Musings

Oh how I loathe a full moon.  While I find it beautiful and almost serene to view, the havoc it wreaks on my inner peace is unbearable.  Awake at 3:30 this morning and after lying there attempting to fall back asleep for an hour, I finally ceded and got up to start the day.  A day chock full of meetings and errands and the endless "to-do" list - and I'm going to function on 5 hours of sleep.  Should be interesting. 

We spent the day Saturday delivering Girl Scout cookies.  A daunting task that weighed on me like a ton of bricks.  Get the cookie orders, sort the cookies, deliver the cookies, collect the money for the cookies...it's too complicated.  Too many steps to achieve a goal in my opinion.  But the delivery process turned out to be somewhat of a joy actually.  It involved visiting with family members I hadn't seen in quite some time and friends I hadn't seen in an even longer period of time.  The whole outing ended with an impromptu overnight stay with the parents of a friend I've had for 30+ years.  Having left the house at 9:45 a.m. on Saturday -we finally arrived back home at 1:00 p.m. on Sunday afternoon. 

Only to find we were missing a cat.  We are the shittiest cat owners EVER.  He finally did show back up about 7:00 Sunday night - famished.  I've no clue where he was hiding or loitering during all that time.  And we likely shouldn't be allowed to even own cats since we can't seem to take care of them properly.

So yesterday, it was MLK day, but I had meetings interspersed throughout the day, so the husband took the blonde to go to Walmart to get some snow boots.  8 hours later, they returned home - with a pair of pricey tennis shoes for the blonde (which she does not need because she already has 3 pair) and some "liners" for her rain boots.  Please go get a $15 pair of snow boots from Walmart.  Does that sound even remotely like "go spend $70 on shit we don't need at Dicks?"  No.  And the shoes are two sizes too big - just like the last pair he bought her - because they shop in the boys section and he doesn't understand that boys shoes and girls shoes are sized differently.  So the shoes are pretty much asinine.  But she loves them and it made her happy and that's all her daddy cares about.  Nevermind that the child will be ridiculed at school and likely grow up with some sort of insecurity about her giant feet - all because her dad always bought her shoes 2 sizes too big.  Lord help me.  He is the shittiest financier EVER.

And the rain boots for which he purchased liners?  First off - I purchased them at the thrift store for $3 - so she could just have a pair of boots to slip on and go outside when it rains - they are a tad big - but they were $3 and NOT a daily wear kind of thing.  The liners he bought?  Too big FOR ME.  And now it's supposed to snow again - how will the poor child play in the snow with her giant-assed boots?  I have no clue.  I imagine I will stop at Walmart at some point today and buy her the damned pair of snow boots I sent him out for yesterday.  And oh - I would NEVER spend $60 on a pair of tennis shoes for a child.  I digress.

This is what the full moon also does to me.  Causes me to have zero patience for bullshit.  And causes nearly everything around me to appear to be bullshit.  Is the bullshit really that abundant?  Or am I just making it into bullshit?  Which came first?  The chicken or the egg? 

Have you watched anything on the new OWN channel?  It's Oprah's new network.  I have!  There are some delightful shows on that channel.  That Oprah - she's a class act.  Anyway - the other night Maya Angelou was on - she was narrating a tale of her life.  When you watch and listen to her, it's really hard to get up the next day and blog about bullshit - because all I really wanted to do was "to do right".  That's her mantra.  She's so powerful and wise and moving.  I, of course, cannot find my copy of "I know why the Caged Bird Sings"  from 20+ years ago.  So I'm going to have to re-buy it.  Along with some of her other works.  I'd like my girls to know her and be familiar with her story and her words.  She's amazing.  So eloquently spoken.  I wonder if I could write powerful stories like her?  All I know is I find her inspiring - so I'm on a mission to reacquaint myself with her works this year.  I even got the husband to agree to allow me to stencil on the bedroom wall (AFTER we remodel the bedroom this year) the following Maya Angelou quote:

This is a wonderful day, I have never seen this one before.

 She posted that on her Facebook status on December 16th and it just stuck with me.  And I can't get the bold print turned off after pasting that quote on here - so I'm sorry for that.  I hit the Ctrl +B and the "B" format button - but this bold is persistent today.  

Anyway - there are days I feel as though I am trudging through life - same shit - day in and day out - a perpetual case of "Groundhog Day" - but her quote moves me - it reminds me that every day is a blessing - and there is something new to be seen, learned, experienced - every minute of our lives - IF we allow ourselves to open our hearts and minds to it.  Having this emblazened on the wall of my bedroom should remind me to embrace each day with the graciousness it deserves.

 I believe I committed to experience a new adventure with my girls each week, didn't I?  Wasn't that one of my plans for the new year?  Well - I have not done one damned thing to head in that direction.  Not one.  We stopped at a pretty sketchy liquor store the other night - but I don't think that really counts - so in summary, thus far that plan is a total fail. 

What have you done lately that is adventurous - and suitable for 2 40 somethings, a 15 yr old and an 8 yr old?  Do share your ideas!!!

(why is it now on giant bold type?  I didn't press anything to change it - Honest I didn't - oh you wretched innernets) - Although as I preview the post - it reminds me of Grover - "near..... far"  - but I seem to be stuck on NEAR.  oh wait - here's far!  Oh how I LOVE Grover!!!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Back to the Basics - PLEASE!

Let's revisit the purpose of this online rhetoric blog for just a moment. The original purpose was for me to be the voice of millions who know they see bullshit everywhere and who also practice restraint in blabbering on about it.  You KNOW you see it.  You KNOW you WANT to shout it out to the universe.  But you also know that it's just not widely accepted to do so.  I'm thrilled by your restraint and politic manner.  I really am.  But it bores me.  So I'm here to act as your agent because I have a calling to point the shit out when I see/hear it.  THAT.WAS.THE.PURPOSE. 

 Never fear.  It still is - I just wanted to give us all a little refresher course in why we're here.  If you're here to read sweet recounts of my love for my family, or understand better my adoration of my husband, then you are in the wrong damned place.  Rest assured for those of you that doubt - I do love my children and I do adore my husband.  But dammit - there are truths to be told and by God I'm here to tell them.

So let's get back to it, shall we?

Bullshit I've heard THIS WEEK (and it's ONLY Wednesday and I'm certain I've forgotten most of it so this is likely only part of a partial list)

After having asked the husband to pick up some facial moisturizer for me while he was out:

Him:  The facial moisturizer you use is way too expensive

Me:  Seriously?  We are NOT having this conversation

Him:  I'm just sayin' it's expensive and thought...

Me:  I'm NOT having this fucking conversation.  I used to use Clinique.  I'm now down to fucking Garnier from Walmart - what's next?  Udder Butter?  Shut.The.Fuck.Up

Conversation held (on paper) while on a conference call with co-workers on a recent snow day:

Blonde:  What can I have for breakfast?

Me:  *quickly makes a nice thoughtful list for her* Cereal; Oatmeal; Peanut Butter Toast; Regular Toast; Grapes; Banana; Orange

Blonde:  Can I TRY to make pancakes?

Me:  Go find your dad while I work please.

Same snow day:

Brunette:  Can I go sledding with Taylor Swift?  (Clearly it's not REALLY Taylor Swift - I've changed the names to protect the innocent)

Me:  NO!  You are NOT riding around this town in the damned snow with fucking Taylor Swift *Jesus Christ teenagers are freakin' stupid*

Brunette:  I didn't say Taylor Swift, I said Cutie Pie (clearly another nickname) and she's being dropped off here.  We're not driving anywhere - GAWD!!

Me:  Oh.

Conversation held at 7:45 p.m. - AFTER a 1.5 hour trip to Walmart purchasing goodies for her BFF's sweet 16:

Brunette:  MOM!!!  I was just reminded tomorrow is German Food Day.

Me:  Yeh. So?

Brunette:  Well I have to make these pretzels.

Me:  **FUCK ME - you can MAKE pretzels?**  Oh.  Okay. Well good luck.

Brunette:  [lists off all the ingredients]

Me:  [Continues to sit in bed and not moving]  Ok

Blonde:  You should have though of all that earlier.


Conversation held over text

Brunette:  Can I go to the KU game Saturday with Joe?  (AGAIN - the names have been changed to protect the innocent)

Me:  Who is Joe? [quickly pulling up the game schedule to verify there IS a game - which HA! HA!!  There is NOT]

Brunette:  A friend.

Me:  *VERY SMUG* Well, since the game is in Ann Arbor, MI on SUNDAY - NO!  You cannot go to that game Saturday with Joe.  *HA!  KA-BAM!!!!  I WIN!!!*

Brunette:  It's the women's game mother.

Me:  [quickly pulling up the women's game schedule]  *Very defeated*  Oh. 

Do you see the trend here?  These little fuckers are getting smarter than me.  This is NOT good people.  NOT good. 

Monday, January 10, 2011

It's Time...

The Prodigal Son left to return to college yesterday.  I cried for 27.43 seconds.  Then I kicked into high gear and started cleaning.  And reclaiming my property from his room.  I cleaned the main level.  The husband cleaned the dungeon where the beast had taken up residency for a month.  After about two hours we collapsed.  It's exhausting.  Emotionally and physically.  But more emotionally, than physically.  The solid running streak of sleeping all day, playing Xbox all night.  It was difficult to watch.  I don't think I can go through it again.  So if someone could please jot him a note or give him a ring and let him know that he should probably look to get a job and his own place for the summer, that would be greatly appreciated because I don't think I can bring myself to tell him personally.  But it needs to be done.  Thank you for your assistance in this matter.  It is greatly appreciated.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


I had a witty story for you all today, but I can't share it.  Not today.  Today I need to give a SHOUT OUT to women.  Women.  Amazing creatures.  Strong.  Resilient.  Wondrous.  Today I stand by helplessly as two sisters grieve.  One grieves the loss of a child 18 years ago.   Although she is likely haunted by that reality as if it happened yesterday.  The other grieves the loss of her mother.  A mother she perceives did not love her and likely resented her.  These women move about their day with their thoughts and their grief - and likely both bearing the heinous burden of self-imposed guilt.  Women do that.  Kill themselves slowly with self-manifested guilt.  I don't know why.

But when I look at these two women, all I see is two amazing, beautiful, inspirational women.  Women I have chosen to have in my life.  Women whom have chosen me to be in theirs.  I have no problem sharing my dirty laundry (or dirty house) with these women.  I have no shame wearing a 2-piece swimsuit around them (although maybe they wish I would) - but I know they do not judge me.  I know they are women of substance.  Of amazing grace.  Of preserverence. 

I came to know them each by chance and through my kids.  The kids that taunt me and ridicule me.  They hooked me up with these women.  "You'll like her - she's just like you."  (translate:  she drinks and smokes)  And they were right.  I did adore both of these women almost instantly.  And they let me into their life.  They shared with me their story - the pain that haunts them.  And with that sharing, I learned that we are all just regular folk.  Trying to make something out of our life, without regard to the cards we've been dealt.  We are all fighting demons of our own.  And when we share our strife with others, we learn that we are strong.  And others also suffer.  And then we dry our tears and laugh our asses off.  Because we're women. 

I want to take away their pain today.  But I cannot.   And for that reason, my heart is heavy.  So I watch, helplessly, at how they cope.  And I learn and I gain strength and wisdom.  And I broaden my appreciation for the strength of a woman. 

Tomorrow I will stand by the side of one of these sisters.  And I will hold her hand as she bids her mother farewell.  And I will facilitate her kitchen for the reception so she can relax and hopefully learn through others that her mother really did love her.  But I'll be the one beckoning her to the barn - sneaking her a glass of wine and smokes.  Because THAT is how real sisters act. 

I love you dear sisters.  Thank you for letting me into your lives.  For sharing your story with me.  For being my friend.  I'm sorry for your pain.  I wish I could make it disappear.  But since I can't - please know that I'm here  - bearing booze and other gifts.  Oh - and I CAN listen.  Just bring duct tape for my mouth and you'll be set.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Welcome 2011!

Welp, here we are.  2011.  Some of you may have entered this year a few days ago, but since I was over-served on New Year's Eve, I just came back into the land of the living today.  And work started back up.  So I spent the day organizing my thoughts.  And my desk.  And my closet.  And my dressers.  But mainly my thoughts.  It was time to move the undone items from the 2010 "to do" list and onto the list for 2011.  I was amazed at how many of the items were actually crossed off.  Of course, most of those were things like, "buy shoes" and "drink lots of booze."  But I tackled them none-the-less.  So score 1 for me! 

The 2011 list is pretty much the same, but I also set personal goals for myself.  Some of the things I had already commenced in 2010 despite their absence on any list, but I think they are good things, so I noted them on the 2011 list.  This way I can refer to it often and keep up the positive things and continue moving forward with life. 

Everyone seems to be talking about "living with intention" these days.  I'm not sure if I noticed it before or after I had the epiphany that I, myself, should start living with intention.  I do.  Normally.  Live with intention.  But sometimes my intentions get out of hand and result in things I did not intend.  New Years Eve.  Case in point.  I intended to purchase 2 large bottles of champagne to share with my friends and family.  I did not intend that I would end up drinking the bulk of the 2.  But once I set my mind to it - I had to finish the job.  This resulted in me feeling like shit for 2 days.  That was NOT.INTENDED.  But my initial intentions were good, don't you think?  Share.  That's a good intention.  And I would have happily shared.  But "they didn't like champagne" and I was all, "are you freakin' serious?  Ta hell with y'all then!  More for me!!" 

Big mistake.  But good intention.  Initially.

Anyway - back to living with intention.  I like the concept.  But what does it mean, exactly?  I'm not sure.  I've added a few things to my personal goals for 2011 that I hope will bring to light the definition of this new buzz phrase.  Things like:  Do something adventurous with your family 2 x's per month.  I'm sure that will result in things like visiting a grocery store on the other side of town.  Or maybe trying on a pair of crazy shoes?  No.  I think it's supposed to be more than that.  Like explore.  The world.  Or see something new.  Or do something new.  I'm a creature of habit - so that won't be easy for me.  But I'm going to give it a whirl.  I thought about letting the family make up little tickets of things they might like to do and then drawing them randomly from a hat.  But I became too afraid that they would place things like, "sky dive" or "ride in a hot air balloon" in the hat and then I had an anxiety attack and decided I'd better control the list.  At least for a while.  Until I get used to the idea of leaving the house.  And being around people I don't know.  Germy people.  Bleh.

As I looked through the various lists from last year - there were 2 books on my "Read in 2010"  - I laughed when I saw them.  I'm not interested in reading either of them.  So I crossed them off.  My 2011 read list is blank.  And that's probably how many books I will read.  I think I read 2.5 books in 2010.  Neither were on my initial read list.  But 1 forever changed my life.  "Work Sucks and How to Fix It"  I think I'll RE-READ it in the next week or so.  Just to see if some new and interesting ideas come to mind.

I also reviewed my notebook from 2010.  To see what I did.  And accomplished.  And it was quite a bit.  At least for the first half of the year.  I reveled in the amount of shit I got done.  And then, somewhere along the way, I stopped making weekly task lists.  And that's likely about the same time I ceased getting anything accomplished around here.  And the house went to hell in a hand basket and the dust bunnies and dog hair started running the place.  So I quickly jotted down a lengthy list of shit to get done around here this week.  That was a good idea last year and one that should not have been abandoned.  So it's back in action. 

There are several "journals" I want to keep this year also.  Spending journals.  Food journals.  Really fascinating shit that I'm sure y'all would love to read.  But I don't think I'll include it on here.  I'll need to find an online solution to my need to keep these various journals.  If you have any suggestions - please let me know! 

So that was today, in a nutshell.  The dumping of random thoughts onto paper and organizing my game plan for the coming year.  Intriguing.  I know.