Friday, April 9, 2010

Sleep Much?

So this morning, I almost had a stroke - AGAIN.  This seems to be a regular occurrence in my life.  It stems from PEOPLE a.k.a the prodigal son, NOT being able to get their ass out of bed.  Who in the fuck can sleep through an alarm 6" from their head for over an hour?  WHO? 

He had a dental appointment - he made the appointment, not me, so it was not I who was dictating his time.  20 minutes before he needed to leave the house to arrive there on time, I trapsed down the stairs to his room.  There he was, all snoozing away - while the freakin' alarm blared in his ear as it had been for the last hour. 

Me:  SON! 

Him:  mmphgrmmph

Me:  GET UP!  You need to leave in 20 minutes

Him:  I'm up.

Five minutes pass, no sign of him on the main floor.  Ten minutes pass, still no sign of him.  I can feel my blood pressure rising rapidly, so I throw out my coffee and quickly switch to vodka.  The husband walks in and I tell him the horrible saga - he needs to leave in 10 minutes and his ass is STILL IN BED.  Who in the FUCK cannot get out of bed in the morning?  Do you think he's on drugs?  Do you think he's stoned?  When he graduates he cannot live here any longer because I cannot take this shit another fucking day of my life. 

The husband stomps down the stairs to the son's room:


Son:  Indecipherable screaming and bitching

The husband stomps back up the stairs and looks at me, "He's fucking ridiculous."  And he storms out of the house.  Another 5 mintues elapse and by now I'm shaking and near a nervous break-down - I again march down the stairs.

Me:    Son!  Please get up - please - you have an appointment and there is traffic and road construction and you need to leave her in 5 minutes - please get up.

Him:  Nothing. 

Finally - AT THE MOMENT he needed to leave the house - he makes an appearance in the kitchen - grumbles something and then proceeds to make himself a bowl of cereal and sits down and begins eating it - slowly - slower than I've ever seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in my entire life.  My blood pressure was near 200/180 at this point, so I left the room and that's when I heard him get up from the table.  I thought, "oh THANK GOD!  he's going to get a move on it"  and right then is when I heard it - the cereal - a second bowl being poured.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?   He needed to leave 5 minutes ago and he's having the fucking last supper? 

Every day is like this.  Every single day of his life has been like this.  I have, in some way, failed him.  He doesn't know how to get up in the morning.  How did I fuck this up?  What will he do next year at college?  Sleep the entire first semester away?  What is he?  Rip Van Winkle?  For 17+ years I have been battling that kid to get him out of bed in the morning.  We've tried letting him sleep in and get detention, flipping over his mattress while he's still laying on it, cold water in the face - every single tactic you can throw at me - we've tried it. 

He is now sending up signals of wanting to live at home while going to college.  I honestly don't think there is any possible way I can do it.  I don't think I can sit by and watch him throw away thousands of dollars while he sleeps his day away. 

At least when I pissed away my paid-for college education by staying up all night and sleeping all day I had the fucking common sense to NOT do it right under my parent's noses.


  1. OMG I soooo know what you are going through....exactly!!! My son is just like this....drives me f'g crazy!! I think they do this shit on purpose! Mine is 20 and still at home....wish I had some good advice, but I have none!! They are here to punish us!!

  2. WTF? 20? What's he still doing at home? You are giving me absolutely NO hope. I am living the movie "Failure to Launch" over here and you're killing me!!

  3. Well we did a year at Northwest and forgot we were there to actually get an, frat parties and girls just got in the way. So after paying off $19,000 for nothing, mom summoned him home to get his shit together and wellllll, we're still trying to get our shit steps, but slowly getting there. Good luck!!! ;-)

  4. Funny shit. The hubby and I were JUST talking about the best course of action here - stay home and drive me insane or go away and piss away thousands of dollars? Hmmmmm - tough decisions to be made here. I was him once. I really was. And I KNOW how the first year, or three at college will go. If you need me, I'll be under my desk sucking my thumb