Tuesday, April 27, 2010


Okay, so I know it's kind of gross and all but when you get to be my age you'll appreciate this kind of shit and understand that it's NOT gross - it's part of growing older and frankly, it's what makes you cool!

So I have this corn on my pinkie toe - I guess that's what it is - it's a bump and it hurts - so it's either a tumor or a corn - I'm treating for the latter and if that works then my diagnosis was accurate.  If, on the other hand, it doesn't go away and continues to grow then I'll definitely consider the tumor thing.

So me and daughter #1 are at the store and I buy these "corn pads."  And as soon as she saw me pick them up and put them in the cart she's all, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW gross - sick.  Who has a corn?"  I mean seriously?  When I buy zit medicine do I yell out in the store that she has zits?  No, but likely because I still do too and I need the medicine as much as she does.  Corns and zits - am I a teenager or a middle aged pre-menopausal nutcase?  It's no wonder I'm so fucking confused all the time.

Well, I don't know who has a fucking corn or TOE the size of these corn pads but they are huge and do NOT stay on.  "Place on the affected  (aka fucked up) area and leave in place for 48 hours."  48 hours?  Mine didn't stay on for 15 minutes.  I went through an entire packet of those things in ONE DAY. 

So back to the store I went - this time to get some corn MEDICINE in liquid form and some corn cushions - the concoction has like 4 oz. of this liquid and THREE pads.  I am still confused.  Well, that damned pad wouldn't stay on EITHER.  So I came up with this little nifty contraption:

Yep.  That's right people - it's a TOE CONDOM.  I know you're fucking jealous as hell.  I'm a freakin' genius and also I have really cute feet.  I might also have a piece of sock fuzz in between my 2nd and 3rd toe, but I can't be sure.  Well that little stroke of brilliance right there may just be what saves this pinkie toe.  That corn is FINALLY going away - with the help of that liquid corn medication - which is ACID by the way.  But when I drank some I didn't feel like I caught a buzz so I figured it must be a different kind of acid, so I decided to just use it on my toe as the label suggested.  And not only has it nearly eaten off that corn, almost all the skin on the adjacent toe is gone too! 

Getting old ROCKS!!  But today, I was able to wear my 4" heels all day without a corn pad so I'm thinking I'm well on the road to recovery!

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