Thursday, April 15, 2010

Lists - Part I

I like to make lists - they help me to stay on task and also it helps me to remember things.  Sometimes I forget things - things I say, things I do, things I commit to while drinking - so I like to write this shit down.  Also, list making helps to break down GIHUGIC projects into small, edible bites and facilitates the whole feelingoodboutgettinshitdone thingie mabopper dealie (sorry for the highly technical and specialized jargon there folks).

Anyway - I've been thinking - I really need to make a list of all the things I'm going to do when my kids move out on their own and I go to visit them at their new digs.  I really don't want to blow it and let them down and forget all the things I have been promising them their entire lives - it's important when you promise a child something that you actually live up to the promise.  I'm a woman of my word, so to the list making I head!

To my favoritest son in the whole universe, here is what you can expect from me when you move out of our family home and I come to see you: (these are, of course, listed in no particular order because I'm all about spotenaity and I don't want to be locked into any certain regiment)

  1. I will write my name in black permanent marker on whichever chair I decide is mine at the table, in your living room and also in your new car whenever you get a brand new one.
  2. I will help you wash your brand new car - with a lava rock.
  3. I will scour your entire house as if every room and every items belongs to me and likely take whatever I find that looks interesting or expensive and claim it as my own.
  4. Sometimes I will just take benign shit that I see laying around - things like boxes of toothpicks, or maybe the shoelaces out of your new sneakers.
  5. I will always eat gum and lollipops at your house and when I'm tired of licking or chewing them, I will just toss the candy item wherever I'm standing or sitting. 
  6. I will not actually wash my hands, but instead just wet them, then wipe them with your freshly washed hand towel.
  7. I will never actually sit over the hole in the toilet, but I'll get pretty damned close.  Of course, I also will not wipe up any pee that is on the seat or floor as a result - I mean seriously - GROSS - you do NOT expect me to touch pee?
  8. I will trade my smoking habit for chewing tobacco and I will use your new glasses as spitters and fill them all up with gallons of spit from my mouth and then I will leave them laying around wherever the hell I want.
  9. Of course, when I arrive at your house, I will, obviously, unload my car of all trash into your side yard or driveway - whichever you have is fine - I'm not picky.
  10. I will invite all of my friends over and if you have provided me a key to your home - I will make certain to get a copy to all of my friends so they can also enjoy your home while you are not there and also so I do not have to be present to let them in.
  11. If I must take a shower at your home, you will find my wet towel thrown on the bedroom floor, along with my dirty underwear and socks (turned inside out and wadded in a ball of course).
  12. If I need to wash that dirty laundry of mine while I'm there and you have your clothes in the washer/dryer already - it's okay - I'll just take them out and throw them on the floor or maybe set them on a nearby counter for you.
  13. When I do bring my friends over, unannounced and they are hungry, we will dig through your cupboards and say polite things like, "There's NEVER anything good to fucking eat at this fucking house."  And then we will call out to God and little baby Jesus about how irritating this is.
  14. When you do get a brand new car and you take me on a ride in it - I will definitely help you drive by controlling the music - I'm the passenger - my comfort and happiness is what's most important.
  15. If you host Christmas or a birthday party, I'll be certain to not smile the entire time - I may even wear my iPod headphones and pretend to be listening to music so I don't ever have to actually engage in a conversation with anyone else in attendance.
  16. If I don't feel like washing off my plate (which I never will - trust me) - I'll just throw it in the trash so you don't have to bother with it.
  17. When you get a job and you need that job to put food on your table and pay your bills, I'll be sure to text you 25 times a day asking you if I can bring my friends over later that night.  And when you don't text back, I'll start calling you - every 3 minutes until you finally respond to me.
  18. If you have any movies I like or think I might want to watch, I'll just take them out of the case and sneak them into my purse, leaving the case behind so you only THINK you have the movie - oh the surprise you'll get when you go to watch it!!!
  19. I will be certain to either break, lose or give away every gift you ever give me, if you ever give me a gift. 
  20. When I arrive at your house and find you making a large meal and it's obvious to me that you've been working diligently on this meal for quite a while, I will be certain to announce that I've already eaten McDonalds on the way and won't be eating any of the food you have prepared.
That's all for now - I will continue to add to this list as I remember all the sweet and wonderful things you've done for me over the years so I can be certain to repay you in your adulthood!

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