Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Housekeeping Tips from the Bleach Blonde - Part I

Grandmother A was an immaculate housekeeper and having spent nearly every summer with her growing up (or so it seemed), I also learned the fine art of keeping a home and being the perfect house wife. Because not many of us in my generation had the luxury of having a mother that didn't work outside of the home, I'd like to take this opporunity to share with you just a few of the housekeeping skills I was taught.  You'll want to bookmark this post in your Favorites so you can refer to it often as it definitely contains some VERY important information about keeping a respectful home.
All ironing is performed on a single day of the week. As the clothing is washed and dried throughout the week, merely place your wrinkled garments on a table and sprinkle with water and roll them in a bed sheet. Keep them in the fridge until ironing day. Anything and everything cotton is ironed. This includes tea towels; boxer shorts; handkerchiefs, sheets, etc. On ironing day, all you have to do is unwedge the giant ball of clothing from the fridge shelves, open it up and dig in! Just set yourself up an iron (or two) in a TV room, put a nipple on your scotch bottle, turn on an old sappy black & white movie and BOOM! Ironing day is a SNAP!
Tired of those unsightly hairs, dust bunnies and stray crumbs that settle between the step and the riser on your staircase carpet? NOT to worry people! Grab yourself a firm bristled, short handled hand broom, put a nipple on your scotch bottle, then start at the top step and just start brushing the carpet. Start at all the meeting points of the angles - brush firmly with an inward motion. Once you've finished all three "walls" of the step - just brush that crap on down to the next step. Carefully slide your bootie down one step lower, don't forget your scotch though and continue this process until you've successfully brushed each step thoroughly. It's good to perform this task once a week as there is quite a bit of foot traffic on the steps and those little crevices do tend to attract all kinds of unwanted dust, hair and crumbs.

Do you hate dirty sterling silver as much as I do? I mean, what IF the Queen unexpectedly showed up and you had to serve her, but all you had were cabinets full of dirty sterling? Well, there's no need to worry about being caught off-guard by a visit from the Queen - nosiree - just empty your curio cabinets on a weekly basis and polish that shit! It's easy! All you need is a 55 gallon vat of silver cleaner and a bottle of scotch and you're good to go! You can easily knock this chore out in a morning - perhaps even before the movie starts and you engage in ironing!

That's likely all the helpful hints for the day you can absorb, so I'll stop there - but remember - BOOKMARK THIS as you will want to refer to it often.  And look for more informative posts about housekeeping here in the future!  I cannot take this information to the grave with me people - I must share it so you can ALL be perfect little housekeepers!


  1. I remember going with you one summer to visit Grandmother A in Junction City and forgetting my church clothes and she reminded me to "always" pack church clothes no matter where I go......see even I learned a helpful tip!!

  2. LMFAO! That's great stuff! See, she taught us ALL the good stuff! These are things I have failed to teach any of my children. I need to get on the ball and get my priorities straight!

  3. Gee - I wish someone would have taught me how to be the perfect little housewife. :(