Wednesday, April 21, 2010


So there I was, all like "Sure!  Why not!  Do whatever you think is best!"  And then, I came home to find this:

That's my deck.  What's left of it.  Three days ago it was actually a functional deck complete with safety railings and all the floor pieces.  That's before the husband asked "What absolutely MUST be done before graduation?"  And we had a long discussion about putting lipstick on the pig and calling it good because we are down to 3 weeks and it's supposed to rain this weekend so really, we have ONE weekend.  Originally we were going to re-stain the deck prior to graduation - so it looked all pretty and inviting and such.  But then time got away from us and also the money tree hasn't yet bloomed this spring, so we determined we would do the following to the deck:
  1. Clean it
  2. Clean the table/glass
  3. Fix 2 boards that were warped
  4. Fix the 2-3 pieces of railing that were warped
  5. Hang an awning that we he has in our his 40' bus
THAT'S IT.  Well, he did not mention to me that #5 above involved a complete fucking de-construct on the deck and also a million dollar investment in what appear to be railroad ties.  Ya know, when I saw that I was thinking, What.The.Fuck.  This shit would have been good information to fucking share DURING the discussion about the deck.  This is not the kind of "surprise" you spring on your over-stressed out wife 3 weeks before a graduation celebration.  I'm curious now as to just how fucking big and heavy this awning is?  Could we have put it on our roof instead of having the roof replaced?  I mean, surely I could have found a more functional use for this giant PURPLE awning?  Yes.  It's purple. 

See, he came to own the awning when he was married to someone else and she had this affinity for purple - all things purple.  So everything that resides in that 40' Mary Poppins Bag on Wheels is purple.  We've been together almot 10 years and I've yet to see everything in that bus - I bet if I took inventory we'd never have to buy another fucking thing in our lives. 

So now - our deck is what you see above.  And the steps to the deck now look like this:

Those are shavings and spare parts left over from cutting some boards for the deck deconstruction of 2010.  I suggested that a tarp or piece of painter's plastic likely could have saved us him hours of time on the clean up and asked why on earth he would do that?  He's a contractor and remodels other peoples' homes for a living - I KNOW he does NOT do this shit at their house - why does he do it at ours? 

Me:  Seriously?  Why wouldn't you put down a tarp to catch that shit?

Him: What's the big deal?

Me:  Well now it's going to be a pain in the ass to get all that shit cleaned up.

Him:  I was hoping my dad would do it but he never did.

Me:  Likely because he thought it was as fucking stupid as I do that you didn't put down a tarp.

Him:  It's not a big deal - I'll just sweep it under the deck


Purchased with real, not Monopoly money that was worked for, not won, with purpose and intentionally, not as a trade to save your life from Guido the Debt Collector.  God help me.


  1. Let's regroup a are upset about the deck being torn apart before the party because all these people coming mean a lot to you and you really realy care what the hell they think. No wait...that doesn't sound right. You are upset because you want to present a Better Homes and Garden house that will knock the socks off all these families coming because you want to impress them with your amazing wealth and possesions. Uhmmmm, nah, that doesn't sound right either. You want your home to be picture perfect so all these kids graduating will see what they too can have if they work hard and are diligent to get their law/medical degrees. Oh beer is just going down way to quickly tonight. I don't have a fricken clue why you are worried about this group of people coming over to your home for a party for a bunch of kids who can't even pick up after themselves with out a LOT of bitching and screaming. Oh sure, you want your place to look nice, but truth be told, most of these folks will look until they find fault so they don't feel bad about how fucked up their homes my hats off to you love, for giving them something quick and easy to make them all feel better about themselves. You are the shit little darlin!! Make yourself a drink and let's celebrate!!

  2. It's really not a matter of impressing anyone, or having a picture perfect Home & Gardens home, but more along the lines that the chaos and deconstruction kick my OCD into overdrive and makes me a nervous wreck. I can't sleep, I can't focus - I feel out of control. I need order in my life to ground my crazy self and this ain't helping the cause!! It will get done in the 11th hour - it always does - but the path to completion makes me an absolute insane(r) person! Oh and there is the whole safety issue with little ones expected to be here AND an inane fear that it won't get done and I will be stuck with all the people IN my house. Which definitely leads to my total destruction.