ANXIETY

Anxiety levels are at an all-time high at the moment.  I'm uncertain precisely WHAT triggered the anxiety - or if it's just a culmination of everything being thrown at me.  Maybe it's PMS - it seems a little early in the month for that - but since Valentines Day is Monday, and Aunt Flo never misses a single holiday or special occasion - it would make sense that it could be an early arrival from her dumb ass.  All I know is that I just need everyone to sit down and shut the fuck up and stop throwing shit at me. 

Last night the brunette announced she'd like to go on a school trip to Germany - Summer 2012.  Major anxiety set in and all I could do is come back with, "How will that get paid for?"  Never mind important questions like:  What do you hope to learn and experience on the trip - what are the benefits you see in this trip, etc.  No.  Just ask how it will get paid for.  And as she rattled off how it would be paid for, my mind was quickly assembling 9-11 all over again - the phone call I would get - the panic I would feel when I got news the plane went down.  The fear that would rush through me when I learned she was missing.  Lost.  Raped. Beaten.  Killed.  I mean seriously?  Are these normal thoughts?  And then Maya Angelou started screaming at me "IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE YOU WILL LIBERATE THEM."  Liberate her.  Liberate her.  What does that mean?  It means you will let them do things and experience life and learn and grow and become an amazing person through those experiences.  But really - since the plane will be hijacked by terrorists either en route to Germany or on the return flight - her experience will be moot.  So should I start saving for this trip, or no?  It's a confusing situation for me.  And causes me angst to even think about it. 

The husband seemed out of it...kept asking me dumbass questions that I'm pretty sure he already knew the answers to  - or at least things I know we have already discussed.  And me, being the effective communicator and bearing unending patience, sat quietly and calmly explained the story I was delivering again yelled, "What the fuck is wrong with you?  Are you on fucking drugs or something because your ability to remember a fucking thing is nil and it's getting really old - once again I am burdened with everything in this house - not only do I have to DO everything - now I have to fucking REMEMBER everything because you can't remember SHIT."  I wonder what he'll get me for Valentine's Day?  I'm thinking of getting him some of that Gingko Biloba or whatever it's called that is supposed to improve your memory.  Or maybe I'll take him in to get tested for early Alzheimers.  And whenever I have those thoughts - I think, "That'd be fucking par for the course - he'll end up with Alzheimers and I'll be stuck having to take care of his can't remember shit ass in our golden years.  Typical."  Then I panic at the thought of it.  So that was another issue to add to my anxiety. 

THEN - I decided to watch some damned show - ANXIETY.  Really?  By 9:30 I was nearly in a full-on panic attack.  My heart was racing and I wanted to go for a long jog to clear my thoughts.  But it was cold.  And dark.  So instead I popped a Melatonin, hoping it would immediately command my brain to sleep.  And by 11:30 it had.  Am I the only person that suffers from this kind of nonsense - the shit that I make up in my head that ultimately scares me to death?  The continual commanding of the kids to stay clear of danger - "STAND 10' BACK FROM THE CURB - A DIPSHIT DRIVER COULD BE TEXTING AND HIT YOU WHILE YOU WAIT FOR THE BUS.  THE BUS COULD SKID WHILE PULLING A STOP AND HIT YOU - STAND BACK!  STAND BACK!!"  I'm surprised the blonde will even ride the bus, frankly. 
"DO NOT TELL PEOPLE YOUR NAME - THEY COULD LOOK YOU UP AND KIDNAP YOU."

"STAY OFF THE MONKEY BARS - WHY DO THEY EVEN PUT FUCKING MONKEY BARS ON A PLAYGROUND?  WHY DO THEY EVEN HAVE PLAYGROUNDS?  MY GOD THEY'RE DEATH TRAPS."

"DO NOT TOUCH THAT!  IT COULD BE RIDDLED WITH FLESH EATING GERMS AND YOU'LL GET SICK AND DIE."

"DO NOT DRIVE ON THAT 2 LANE HIGHWAY - DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN KILLED ON THAT HIGHWAY?"

The list goes on and on.  And I'm pretty certain that as they age and move on with their lives - they will abandon me and talk shit behind my back - "Mom is fucking WHACK - she told me the other day NOT to change laundry detergents because it could possibly result in me getting a rash." 

Until I find balance here people - please do me a favor:   DO NOT touch the carts at the grocery store and then touch your face.  You will get H1N1 or the bubonic plague.