Last night the brunette announced she'd like to go on a school trip to Germany - Summer 2012. Major anxiety set in and all I could do is come back with, "How will that get paid for?" Never mind important questions like: What do you hope to learn and experience on the trip - what are the benefits you see in this trip, etc. No. Just ask how it will get paid for. And as she rattled off how it would be paid for, my mind was quickly assembling 9-11 all over again - the phone call I would get - the panic I would feel when I got news the plane went down. The fear that would rush through me when I learned she was missing. Lost. Raped. Beaten. Killed. I mean seriously? Are these normal thoughts? And then Maya Angelou started screaming at me "IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE YOU WILL LIBERATE THEM." Liberate her. Liberate her. What does that mean? It means you will let them do things and experience life and learn and grow and become an amazing person through those experiences. But really - since the plane will be hijacked by terrorists either en route to Germany or on the return flight - her experience will be moot. So should I start saving for this trip, or no? It's a confusing situation for me. And causes me angst to even think about it.
The husband seemed out of it...kept asking me dumbass questions that I'm pretty sure he already knew the answers to - or at least things I know we have already discussed. And me, being the effective communicator and bearing unending patience,
THEN - I decided to watch some damned show - ANXIETY. Really? By 9:30 I was nearly in a full-on panic attack. My heart was racing and I wanted to go for a long jog to clear my thoughts. But it was cold. And dark. So instead I popped a Melatonin, hoping it would immediately command my brain to sleep. And by 11:30 it had. Am I the only person that suffers from this kind of nonsense - the shit that I make up in my head that ultimately scares me to death? The continual commanding of the kids to stay clear of danger - "STAND 10' BACK FROM THE CURB - A DIPSHIT DRIVER COULD BE TEXTING AND HIT YOU WHILE YOU WAIT FOR THE BUS. THE BUS COULD SKID WHILE PULLING A STOP AND HIT YOU - STAND BACK! STAND BACK!!" I'm surprised the blonde will even ride the bus, frankly.
"DO NOT TELL PEOPLE YOUR NAME - THEY COULD LOOK YOU UP AND KIDNAP YOU."
"STAY OFF THE MONKEY BARS - WHY DO THEY EVEN PUT FUCKING MONKEY BARS ON A PLAYGROUND? WHY DO THEY EVEN HAVE PLAYGROUNDS? MY GOD THEY'RE DEATH TRAPS."
"DO NOT TOUCH THAT! IT COULD BE RIDDLED WITH FLESH EATING GERMS AND YOU'LL GET SICK AND DIE."
"DO NOT DRIVE ON THAT 2 LANE HIGHWAY - DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN KILLED ON THAT HIGHWAY?"
The list goes on and on. And I'm pretty certain that as they age and move on with their lives - they will abandon me and talk shit behind my back - "Mom is fucking WHACK - she told me the other day NOT to change laundry detergents because it could possibly result in me getting a rash."
Until I find balance here people - please do me a favor: DO NOT touch the carts at the grocery store and then touch your face. You will get H1N1 or the bubonic plague.