By George I think I FINALLY Got It!

So, y'all know I don't really blog about work.  But that reality constantly haunts me.  It really does.  You see, last year I had to get divorced.  From my job. Emotionally.  It was a very very rough year for me and it involved a shit ton of tears and countless hours of me drinking and babbling and my dear husband listening and nodding his head.  I was grieving my emotional divorce.  I had always defined myself as Company X.  And now that I was emotionally detached from Company X - who the hell was I?  I had absolutely NO CLUE.  NONE.  Seriously - I was like, "uhhh - well.... I'm a mother.  I'm a wife.  I'm a friend."  But NO clue who the hell I was.  If I was no longer Company X  - then I had no identity.

This took me MONTHS and several gallons of whiskey to come to terms with, but I knew it was the very best thing for me.  I was consumed with Company X.  I lived and breathed the place.  I talked about it every chance I got - to anyone who was within ear shot.  Hour after hour after hour - I entertained my friends and family with relentless stories about Company X.  I had to leave - emotionally.  Then I battled the grief.  I am nothing.  I have nothing to talk about.  I have nothing to offer.  Then, over my Christmas vacation - I had an epiphany - I was NOT Company X any longer - and Company X was not me - it is WHERE I GO and how I pay the bills - but it is NOT me.  Once I had that revelation, I was able to return back to work after vacation and head into 2010 with a new attitude and spirit. 

Or so I thought.  I quickly found myself bored.  Unamused.  Fed up.  Sick of the shit.  But I just kept telling myself - It's WHERE I GO - NOT who I AM.  And I kept trying to convince myself of that.  Day in and day out.  I ran through the daily monotany with my eyes rolled back in my head, listening to my iPod and closing my office door.  Plugging along.  Passing the time.  Wishing it was the next day - or Friday - or any other day than the day it was.  Finding myself saying, "Shut.The.Fuck.Up" under my breath in response to anything pretty much anyone said.  Looking for contentment in a reality that involves me, being held prisoner by the golden handcuffs, in a place where I go every day. 

Today - 6 months into my new universe, I had another epiphany.  It's not THEM.  It's ME.  I used to be a rising super star - on top of my professional game.  Hip to the shit on what I was doing and maybe even somewhat of an expert in my arena.  Now.  I'm a complacent, bitter bitch.  No wonder I'm so miserable.  What happened?  Did I stifle myself?  Did someone stifle me?  I was once even nominated for some Woman of the Year thingie majigger for working women - what was that award?  I should go dig it up and refresh my memory of how with it I was back then.  So, if I am complacent and bored wouldn't it stand to reason that I send off that vibe to others?  And so if that holds true, wouldn't it stand to reason that I have no business being pissed at them and their mediocrity every day since it would evidently be ME that is driving them to that?  B-I-N-G-O and I ain't singing about any dog people! 

I vowed last year when I got divorced from Company X that I would never read another business related book again - convinced myself it wasn't me - I was someone else.  But the revelation today is that it IS me  - being a professional working woman - THAT IS WHO I AM AND WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY.  Denying myself to express my creativity in that venue is slowly killing my spirit and drive for all else.  So - I'm going to read a business book - several of them likely - and first on my list:  Why Work Sucks and How to Fix It.  I am beyond excited to explore this relatively new concept in the workplace.  You, too can check it out at http://www.gorowe.com/.

It totally defies all my beliefs about work in terms of the "you report at this time, you work x number of hours, you do this from here, etc."  But I'm so totally intrigued by it that I MUST explore it.  I can't wait to order it.  Actually I may run to B & N tomorrow WHILE I'M AT WORK and buy it!!  I may just fucking read it at my desk too!  I'm SO excited I can hardly stand it!!

Oh - and also this doesn't mean I will start blogging about work all the time - or bore you with the details of this new adventure I'm on - I'm still me - the cynical one  - and that won't end any time soon!

Oh and also - tomorrow I have a conference call to talk to an expert in the industry about using Facebook and Twitter as means of reaching out to our customer base to keep them informed and educated - I'm SO freakin' excited about being a pioneer and paving a bleeding edge approach to customer service and work styles in our industry - even if ultimately it only impacts Company X.  But it sure does feel good to have something new to look forward to - and it feels good to think I may be able to rekindle the passion I once had for Company X - and this time I PROMISE to keep it in check and not BECOME Company X again.  Really.  I do.