Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there reading this blog!!!  Mother's Day.  Always a weird day for me for some reason.  Mothers are so under-appreciated and I always carry a personal grudge for that fact and especially on Mother's Day. 

I woke up this morning, tired because I sat in the garage drinking beer and smoking 18,000 cigarettes until 3 a.m. with the husband.  That was MY mother's day celebration.  Forcing him to listen to me sing every single old song ever sung by Dr. Hook, Little River Band and England Dan & John Ford Coley.  Odd collection, I know.  When I woke up, it occurred to me that I haven't cooked in days.  And following that realization, it occurred to me I also have not eaten in days.  Thursday I had some salad the size of my hand while at a college visit - so there's my veggies.  Friday I ate a cold leftover hamburger while putting away the groceries.  Later that night I stole 5 popcorn chicken thingies from the little one.  And yesterday I had a McChicken from McNasty's $1 menu.  Yes.  You read that correctly.  That is what I've had to eat since Thursday.  And beer.  So evidently, if I do not operate the stove in this house, we do not eat.  I wonder if the kids have eaten?  I left the little one at a friend's house last night - I'm sure she ate there.  They are probably even having breakfast right now. 

Friday I treated myself to some new jammies.  I haven't had new jammies in 8 years!  They were wonderful - soft and had all their threads.  I felt like a princess in them Friday night.  Then fucking Aunt Flo shows up from out of nowhere overnight and adds her fucking mark to them.  That bitch.  But it's just like her to pull this shit on me. 

Anyway - back to Mother's Day.  I found it curiously ironic that the grocery store had a 3 day Sale for Mother's Day and highlighted in that ad:  Hamburger Helper and Brownie Mix - 99 cents each.  Seriously?  Fucking Hamburger fucking Helper?  On Father's Day they have REAL food on sale.  And as I walked along giggling to myself over this ridiculous reality, it occurred to me that I really wouldn't give a shit if my family DID make me hamburger helper on Mother's Day - so long as I didn't have to cook it or clean up - I wouldn't care one bit.  I almost jump-started the process by buying them a few boxes, but the shelves had already been emptied.  Not a single box of the shit to be had.  And no brownie mixes either.  Who knew.

We are officially one week out from graduation.  I can tell you that this house is literally a pig sty.  And I don't give a shit. Because ANY work I do NOW will just have to be redone in a few days, so I'm just going to let it continue to pile up and up and up.  And then when I do clean for graduation - ANY amount of effort I put forth will have such dramatic results that I'll think I really worked my ass off - which is really all that I'm after.  I'm not after a picture perfect clean house - I'm after that martyr affect of having really fucking knocked myself out over the whole thing.  And also now that I've realized that that's what I'm really after, the pressure is off to perform.  I'm so glad I've gotten that all squared away.  I also love how I can fabricate some fucked up mental illness to justify NOT doing any house work.  It's truly genius!

Look how cute - the husband made me breakfast in bed and is now refilling my coffee for me!  I'd feel like a queen if it wasn't so pathetic that I stayed up until 3 a.m. drinking and singing into my beer bottle like it was a microphone.  And as I sang, I would notice the husband drifting off to sleep, so I'd yell, "WAKE THE FUCK UP - YOU'RE MISSING THE BEST FUCKING ENGLAND DAN AND JOHN FORD COLEY SONG EVER WRITTEN!!!  Here.  I'll rewind it and start from the beginning so you can hear the whole thing.. I'm not talkin' bout movin' in and I don't wanna change your life..."   If you don't know the song - you really should google it.  I like to follow it up with Dr. Hook's "I got stoned and missed it" - That's a funny ass song!  The two go great hand-in-hand.

So - at the beginning I think I said this day confuses me or something like that - so here's the part that confuses me that maybe you can help me out with:  Are the children supposed to orchestrate the plans for the mother and ask to see her on Mother's Day?  Or is the mother supposed to coordinate the seeing of the children?  I've been confused on this for a very long time and I can tell that my children are also confused because of my confusion.  I need to get this shit figured out before they are adults and out of the house.  HELP!!!!

UPDATE:  Check out the card I got from the prodigal son!!  I love that kid!!


  1. The only card I got was from you!! Love ya!

  2. Well then I'm even MORE glad I sent you one!!!! Love you too!

  3. I like to celebrate my Mother's day early...just going to share in case you'd like to try it next year....this year as usual, did the flower bed thing with my mom on Friday afternoon...would have done the flowerbed thing with my husband's mom on Saturday...but she really got the right idea and is vacationing right now in England where she was born. Then had ALL my kids invited out to a bonfire on Saturday night...where we too stayed up late and sang and threw shit into the fire until I noticed I was out there by myself...WTF???? Oh yes, so I can carry in all the SHIT!!! Happy Mother's DAY!!!! And Sunday, the actual DAY...I spend at home alone playing in my yard and getting some much needed mental therapy playing with little blooming children that don't talk back, wreck their cars and call me, or ask for money. Ahhhhhhhh it was a good day. Oh, and my card...that would be from my oldest and most like her was on the back of a picture she painted for me....and told me I was the motherfuckin' shit. Well HELL YEAH!!!! Glad she finally noticed!!!
    PS...anytime you want to sing me England Dan and John Ford Coley songs....I'll be right over!!!