Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Day American Idol RUINED my life

Lots going on today - so much that mind is starting to reel again.  I really do function at my best when I'm totally overloaded with shit and totally stressed out.  I thrive on it actually.  It's an illness.  Don't judge.

I went to work and some really super awesomely great shit happened there - but I can't share it with you.  Sorry.   Well, wait - I will share THIS with you about work  (shhh - don't tell ANYONE) - I totally wore my new shirt to work today:

That's right - GUNS 'n ROSES!!  On the back of my shirt!!  And you know that when I put it on this morning I was totally feelin' like a freakin' bad ass rocker chick.  Nevermind that I actually purchased it at the State Barrel Race finals and I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be a cowgirl shirt - but it was hot and I didn't feel like wearing my cagirl boots so I instead donned it like I was super kick ass rocker gal.  And I was.  And not one fucking person even commented on it.  Not one.  Fuck all y'all.  Who sees someone in such a kick ass shirt and does NOT comment on how fucking rockin' it is?  (To my lone reader from work - by my choice - in your defense I don't think you saw me - because I know you would have commented on how fucking cool I was in that shirt so the fuck all y'all doesn't apply to you).

At that same barrel race - I also bought this kick ass sun dress that's all embellished with sequins and bling and I am TOTALLY going to wear it with my cagirl boots.  I don't know where I'm going in it yet - but trust me - I will wear that outfit at some point this summer.  And I will feel like I'm 18 all over again.  And I will stab real daggers into the eyes of ANYONE who gives me the stink eye when they see me in it.  Kay?  Just remember that.  I used to have a shirt that said, "I AM the Sheriff" on it - Or maybe it said, "I AM the Law" - I cannot recall - but it was a skimpy little red thing with bling all over it - and I LOVED to wear it out to the country bars.  That was back when I thought I was a really fucking hot 35 year old  - well I was actually - and also I was single so it seemed appropriate to wear such a shirt.  Then I got married and had child #3 and so I think the shirt got tossed in the trash.  I really wish I'd saved it.  Anyway - there I go again - off on a tangent of unknown direction and reason.

Then I did some other shit and blah blah blah and yada yada yada and then "DING"  the goin' home bell went off - so I went home.  Where I promptly changed clothes into my super kickass shorts I totally stole from Daughter #1 and headed out to take the flubbery beast for a walk.  Well, not only did the beast go with, but so did daughter #1 AND one of my other sons (not the prodigal son - he was busy playing XBox - STILL - for the 198th consecutive day).  YAY!  Walking buddies!  And my other son was actually the dog handler so I could walk freely and without his pain in the ass stopping to piss on every blade of grass he passed.  And the dingbat daughter #1 - who is NOT a blonde - decided to ride a very small razor scooter - barefooted - on a 2 mile walk.  She has blisters on her feet now - but I don't feel sorry for her because I told her it was a bad idea, but she is almost 15 and far smarter than I.  Now she limps like a peg-leg pirate on a swaying plank.  That's her problem.  Not mine. 

On the downhill stretch home, the other son challenges me to a race. 

Him:  Bleach blonde, I'll race you the rest of the way home - JOGGING.

Me:  Oh hell no!  You did NOT just challenge me?

Him:  I did - GO!


So off we went - running, down a hill, my boobs flying up and then stretching low and getting saggier with each step.  My giant - can't see any of my crow's feet - sunglasses bouncing up and down on my already crooked nose, threatening to break it with each step.  But I did not stop - I ran my little heart out.  And then it was so pathetic how much fucking faster than him I was, I had to hold myself back.  I didn't want to embarrass him or hurt his feelings - and every now and again you have to let a kid win or be right - it's part of life - beat them or make them wrong 98% of the time, but 2% of the time - take the high road.  So I slowed down my pace, quite a bit actually  - I was shocked at slow he was moving - I damned near had to stop dead in my tracks to allow him to even catch up to me.  Fucking kids.  At one point I think I was even jogging in place to give the illusion that I was moving as fast as I could but he was still winning.  The things I do to build kids' self esteem.  I swear.  I should get mother of the year award.  I really should.

So now - I'm sore.  And it's only been 3 hours.  What.the.fuck?  I bet I won't even be able to get out of bed in the morning.  I think I might have dislocated my 4th vertebrae.  Or bruised my tail bone.  (don't ask). 

Oh shit - here it comes - winner of American Idol - - -  - --   oh fuck me.  Lee.  Second fucking year in a row that it's NOT the person it should be.  That's okay Mama Sox - most winners of this show never go on to do a damned thing with their life (at least that any of us ever hear about) - you, on the other hand - I will see in concert within the year.  I'm done with that show.  Although I admit I did enjoy seeing Janet Jackson perform tonight.  This Lee sings like SHIT.  Awful.  I swear I've heard him before.  Whatever. 

And now I just noticed I can't get my iPhone to power on.  What.the.fuck.  God Dammit.  Ever since this fucking Lee won American Idol, my life's gone to hell in a hand basket.  Thanks American Idol.  For ruining my fucking iPhone.  Fuckers. 

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