Saturday, May 15, 2010

ASSanine Shit

Because I'll be kind of busy for a few days here and likely unable to post in the present and keep you updated on a minute by minute account of what's going on, I'm going to post ahead. 

1.  That means I'll be rambling about some inane bullshit NOW and posting it LATER and you'll THINK it's in the present and be all, "What.the.fuck is she doing blogging, doesn't she have graduation duties to tend to?  Bitch needs to get her priorities straight." 

2.  Maybe I should start twittering and y'all could follow me minute by minute that way? 

3.  I do not have time to start twittering. 

4.  But it would be fun so maybe I will.

Have you ever known someone who had to have hemorrhoid surgery?  If so, when you got the news, did you promptly reply with, "Well that's a complete pain in the ass?"  < insert long awkward silence here >  Because I did.  Reply in that manner, that is.  Not have the surgery.  Yet.  And ever since I got this piece of TMI, I've been gnawing on tree bark to ensure I get enough daily fiber intake and can hopefully avoid the whole innards hanging out your ass problem. 

Well, once I had a hemorrhoid.  Seriously?  Am I fucking blogging about this?  Yes.  I am.  Move along if you're not interested in how the story unfolds - but do not judge. 

So, anyway - I had this thing down there. And after a few days, I diagnosed myself with cancer.  It was a malignent tumor on my parts that have names, but none of them make any of those parts sound any more attractive or less personal.  Fuck.  I really was NOT in the mood to die from this tumor down there, I was single and had small children and the thought of them growing up without me AND facing the stigma of having to tell people their mom died of a giant fucking tumor on her pooper was just really more than I could deal with.  So I rolled my dice and went to the doctor. 

"And what is the nature of your visit today?

Um - I have a beach ball growing out of my ass evidently.  Or maybe it's one of the other parts down there it's growing out of - I can't really get a good angle on the thing. 

"Okay then let's have a look" 

That woman wasn't down there more than 2 seconds and she looks up and says, "It's a hemorrhoid." 

A WHAT?  Well that's fucking embarrassing.  How the hell did that get there?  I was pretty sure I'd swallowed a beach ball and it was trying to make its way back out.  And also are you sure?  Because I diagnosed it as a malignent tumor -

"It's a hemorrhoid."

Fine.  Fuck you nurse ass.  Ass nurse.  Ms. Ass Nurse.  Thank you for ruining my perfectly good and also incredibly accurate terminal diagnosis with your helpful tidbit.  I'll be going now.

And so I left that office and made a note to NEVER go back to her again.  And to eat a ton of fiber every day to hopefully avoid that situation again.  I headed to the store to get some Preparation H and sure enough - it worked great!  But then because it is sold in 5 gallon tubes, I had a shit ton of it left over.  And THAT is when I read that you could use the shit on bags under your eyes and it would decrease the inflammation and you'd look more rested.  Why not?!  If it's good enough for my ass, then it's certainly good enough for my eyes!  And guess what?!!!  It worked GREAT for that too! 

Hopefully you have found this post educational and are able to glean something from the information I've shared with you.  What, I do not know nor can I even begin to imagine.

1 comment:

  1. So you thought I wouldn't remember. After four pitchers of margarita's, I remember EVERYTHING - HA!

    Okay, what happens when you can't think of anything funny to say....keep drinking 'cause eventually everything you say will be hilarious.

    So this couple at the next table clearly met through or eharmony, or found each others phone number written on a bathroom wall somewhere. A couple words of advice - get rid of the adolph hitler mustache and when she's browsing her telephone while you're talking it's clearly time to call it a night. And, when you're on a blind date - wear a bra! You may think those puppies look great but clearly you're saying "I'll take most anyone." Furthermore, the people at the tables around you are trying to listen so come up with some amazing stories to tell, your date will never know the difference and the people within ear shot will be totally intrigued.