Monday, May 24, 2010

Dog Walking aka Very Dangerous Day at the Park (HUH?)

I was going to tell a funny story to y'all. 

Then I forgot it.  Seriously.  No joshin'. 

So I'll tell you this one instead. 

Today at lunch, in the 88 degree sunshinin' weather with 83% humidity, I took my flubber ass on a walk around the neighborhood.  I clocked it in the car one day - it's 1.5 miles.  The dog and I cover it in just under 20 minutes.  We move fast.  He (the dog) needs to drop about 8 pounds and I need to build a muscle in my ass so it's not so flubbery and flat.  (Evidently 20+ years at a desk will do that to your ass - in case you're wonderin'). 

The neighborhood is pretty quiet during that time of day since most everyone is at work and because of that, that's the time I like to walk the dog.  When I'm not forced to wave at people I don't know and act nice and cordial and neighborly.  I just want to walk.  I'm not out on a social mission.  Sometimes I listen to my iPod and sing out loud while I walk.  It gives the few onlookers I pass something to talk about.  And that makes me smile.

Today, the dog and I were chased down by several dogs -
One is a bitter old retired police dog.  He's either retired, or never got his badge, I'm not sure which.  But he lives with a Sheriff's Deputy but he doesn't go to work with him - he just stays at home in the driveway and guards their house all day - and he's PISSED OFF about it.  As soon as he sees us coming, he hauls ass, barking loudly, to the edge of his yard and stops - and just barks.  And my pussy-assed 110 lb dog leaps into my arms and starts sucking his doo-claw just like Scooby fucking Doo.  And as soon as I carry my ferocious beast past that house, he gets back down and starts walking again, and Sarge returns to his post at the top of the driveway.  Every fucking day we go through this routine.  I think Sarge might be slow and that's why he never got his badge.  You'd think he'd start to recognize our scent and stop this asinine routine - but he never does.  We're NEW intuders EVERY time.

Then we round the corner and walk a bit and that's where we pick up a miniature Collie looking thing.  Shetland?  What are they called?  Looks like Lassie with 5" legs.  That fucker runs out every time from BEHIND his house and chases us for four houses.  My dog is less afraid of him than Sarge, so he doesn't leap into my arms, but instead, walks forward with his head turned backward, keeping an eye on shruken Lassie, so basically I end up dragging his 110 lb ass for those four houses.  Then Lassie gets a call from Timmy, who is likely in the fucking well again, and goes back home to save him and we can move freely on up the street.

Next on the walk, we're chased down by a fucking chihuahua.  Seriously?  You're the size of my dog's head - and you're honestly chasing us down, crossing the street in the process?  Give me a fucking break.  But he's a persistent little fucker and he seems to intimidate my puss of a dog, so I guess he gets the job done. 

And just as we're almost back home, from out of nowhere comes a miniature pincher of some sort.  Looks like he got put in the dryer on the hot cycle and he's also very displeased and yapping and carrying on and I'm wishing at this point I had that air pistol with me - just so I could shoot these little bastards in the ass with it while I walk.  And as I have thought, I wonder, "Who the fuck leaves their dog out ALL day while they are at work in an unfenced yard?"  They're probably at work bragging to everyone how their dog never runs off, etc.  Meanwhile, their dog is at home wreaking fucking havoc on everyone on foot all day long. 

They're not frightening dogs.  But they sure are annoying as hell.  I think I WILL take that air pistol with me next time.  Knowing my luck though, I'll probably get busted for having the damned thing because some old retired fart will report me as lurking through the neighborhood with a gun.  That's exactly the kind of luck I have!!

So that's my dog walking story, which was not all that funny unless you were there.  And also unless you were me, having those thoughts while I walked.  But like I said, I forgot the other story. 

Now - go eat some Rainbow Sherbet - it will cool you down and you will thank me for it later!

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