Friday, August 5, 2011

Bob Dylan Causes Bloody Noses

Remember that song that goes ...."Why does Joe Jackson have to be in all his videos?"  Yeh.  I can't remember who sings it - but it's old and I never understood the line in the song but always assumed Joe Jackson must be a scary fuck or something and that's why the singer asked the question.  I just Googled him and sure enough - he is one ugly fucker.  Anyway - this line came to mind the other day when I downloaded some Bob Dylan.  But my question is this:  Does Bob Dylan have to sing his songs? 

See, I always wanted to be cool and like Bob Dylan.  I even went to see him in concert once.  And walked out.  He sounded so fucked up that I couldn't understand a word he was singing and I figured he must be drunk out of his fucking mind that particular day - so I left.  But recently, I heard someone else sing Bob Dylan and I totally loved it - so I was thinking, "HEY!!!!  FINALLY!!!  I AM COOL!!!  I LIKE BOB DYLAN!"  So I ran to my iPod and purchased ONE song.  And thank GOD I listened to it BEFORE I purchased more - because IT FUCKING SUCKED.  I was pretty sure I sounded better than that the night I drank 612 shots and then sang karaoke at a local bar. 

As soon as the sound (I will NOT call it music) started coming out of the speakers - I was instantly sent reeling back to the most horrendous of ALL childhood memories:  Being forced to eat canned asparagus.

I sat there at the table, refusing to eat the stinking assed slimy shit.  And my dad force fed it to me and in the struggle, I got a bloody nose.  Therefore, canned asparagus causes bloody noses and I would never touch it again in my life.  Until I was in my 30's and tried FRESH asparagus and LOVED it!  If you love fresh asparagus you must also therefore love canned asparagus.  (I've always had an amazing ability for deducing).  So like an alzheimer's patient, I bought a can of the asparagus and cooked it up.  AND INSTANTLY GOT A GOD DAMNED BLOODY NOSE. 

So when I was thinking of how much I loved the Bob Dylan songs I heard the other day sang by someone who was not Bob Dylan and ran to download it - and then when I heard the real Bob Dylan screeching and slurring through the speakers, it reminded me of canned asparagus.  AND I GOT A GOD DAMNED BLOODY NOSE.  I do not like canned asparagus just because I like fresh asparagus - they're not the same thing.  I do not like Bob Dylan just because I like when someone else sings Bob Dylan songs - THEY'RE NOT THE SAME THING.

I like the idea of Bob Dylan - I like the lyrics - I like the beat.  But I cannot fucking stand the sound of his shitty voice - all fucked up and stoned and drunk and brain damaged or all of the above.  Therefore, that's where memory #2 came in - the song that says, "Why does Joe Jackson have to be in all his videos?"   - EXACTLY!!!  Why does Bob Dylan have to sing all his songs?  WHY?

Couldn't someone else who wasn't missing half his marbles do the singing?  And ol' Bob Dylan could just stay in the background?  I mean it's kind of like Dolly Parton.  She's an amazing song writer, right?  But her warbling, quivering voice is about enough to make you want to stab a knife in your ear to ensure the sound won't enter.  (Well, except for a couple of songs - but you KNOW Whitney Houston's version of "I will always love you" is FAR better than Dolly's version - well except until Whitney also decided to fry her fucking brains out with drugs - but you get my point anyway). 

So please - for the love of GOD - someone please tell Bob Dylan to Shut.The.Fuck.Up and let someone else sing his songs.  They would be SO MUCH better if he just didn't get involved in the singing.  He could stand up there - that's fine - just turn off his fucking microphone so I can't hear him.


  1. There are PAGE AFTER PAGE of artists who have covered Bob Dylan songs, some who managed to butcher the vocals nearly as thoroughly as Robert Zimmerman himself.

    On the other hand, sometimes things as wonderful as this happen:

  2. I love Ani! Thank you for sharing the video. Do you think if I started playing guitar I could have arms like hers?!?!