Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Boating and Waltzing

Wow.  Where does the time go?  I have no clue.  Sorry to leave y'all hangin'.

So anyway - the other day we were invited to go boating.  Like on a boat.  On a lake.  That's how boating is done.  So after I asked a million questions and the gal was likely dreading she'd even mentioned it, I decided we would go.  Why not?  We don't get out of the house much.  It would be fun!  And this was a group of people with whom we have never really socialized - we know each other through the brunette - and we text all the time - but this would take our friendship to a new level.  And we'd be naked.  Well almost. 

And we had a ball!  I don't think I made an ass out of myself.  Although I find that VERY hard to believe.  I can normally make an ass of myself sitting in my living room alone.  But get this:  SHE LEFT HER CELL PHONE IN THE CAR.  Shit.  We had no choice but to actually converse with one another - since texting was now out of the question.  Conversing.  In person.  Face to face.  It almost seems foreign to me anymore.  And that's just pretty darned sad.  Because I like to talk.  And talk.  And talk.  And who the hell even knows what the fuck I talk about.  I doubt that any of it is terribly interesting.  But I do know I never shut.the.fuck.up. 

And the next morning, I woke up and my knees hurt so bad I could hardly bend them.  So I woke up the husband:

Me:  Did you hit me in the knees with a stick?

He:  No.

Me:  Did those people we were with kick me in the knees to get me to shut.the.fuck.up?

He:  No.

Me:  Well then why.the.fuck do my knees hurt so damned bad and why does one of them have a giant ouchie on it?  Explain that if you didn't hit me in the knees with a stick and they didn't kick me in the knees to get me to shut.the.fuck.up....

He: You fell off the cooler dumbass.

Me:  Fell off the cooler?  Was I dancing on it?  On their boat?  Dear Jesus, help me.

He:  No.  We were at home and you were sitting on the cooler in the garage and you just fell off onto the floor.

Me:  Nice try fucker.  People don't just fucking fall off coolers onto the floor.  Was I having a seizure?

He:  No.  You were drunk.

Me:  No shit.  Nothing new there.  But that doesn't explain this falling off the cooler while sitting on it.  What the fuck was I doing?

He:  Getting up to make another drink.

Me:  Whatever - nice try fucker. 

I'm pretty sure he hit me in the knees with a stick.  Because honestly - you just don't fall off a cooler while sitting on it.  Perhaps I should start wearing a helmet and using a seat belt while I sit around on coolers in the garage?  I think I will.  It will give people who drop by something new to talk about. It's been awhile since I've given them any new material.  This should be a good one!!! 

Getting up to get more to drink.  Good God.  I'm pretty sure I was getting up to give him some dance lessons.  I've been trying to teach him to two-step and waltz for 10 years now.  Dude has two left feet and cannot get it.  I was trying to teach him to waltz - it's easy - it's 3 counts - 1-2-3.  And I would try to move him backwards and there he would stand like a damned redwood in the forest.  "It's a WALTZ - 2-3."  And he'd just stumble backwards because evidently you cannot waltz in flip flops.

"Take off those damned flip flops - you can't waltz in flip flops - you're not that fucking good yet - I am - I'm a professional - now WALTZ -2-3"  (because if you yell the name of the dance as one of the counts - it really makes the other person understand how the hell to do it).  Fuck it.  He can't move backwards.  Maybe if I go backwards and he goes forward - just MAYBE his feet move that direction.  WALTZ-2-3 - nope - all he did was step on my feet.  He sucks at dancing.  He really does.  And that's likely why I fell off the fucking cooler (supposedly, but I still doubt that's what happened) - I was likely exhausted from teaching him to WALTZ -2-3. 

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