Thursday, March 18, 2010

Tomfoolery at the Parade

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day.  This is a big day for us - HUGE!  We always go downtown to watch the parade, then have a big party at our house afterwards.  Rain or shine, hot or cold, we are there.  The parade route was new this year, actually it seems that it's been different every year, now that I think about it.  I'm not sure if the planning committee is trying to find the "perfect" route or just trying to fuck with me.  Likely the latter - that's how committees are.  So we have to drive the route the night before to scope out the perfect spot for the next day.  I decide we'll camp out at the end of the route, because there will be fewer people which is pretty important because I cannot stand crowds and crowds of people, and also because it was close to an inside bathroom.  It is odd that I'd even go to a parade, given my phobia of crowds, but whatever.

I got up at 5:30 in the morning to get ready and load up the family car for the big day.  We left the house by 8:30 as planned and no one was even crying.  Of course, we woke up to the entire yard covered in toilet paper and one of the vehicles wrapped in cellophane.  Thanks.  Punks.  (It's still there, by the way, because evidently NO ONE'S friends did it and we're all trying to figure out which one of us is no one and thereby responsible for cleaning it up).  Anyway - we were able to secure a spot where I wanted, and even able to have our friends park next to us!  So far, so good and my husband didn't even get runned over by any other people trying to park!  (That's a whole other story I'll have to share in a separate post)  Oh and the cops were out already - in full force, making damned certain no one had a lick of fun.  And because our city is broke, the meter maids were out in full service, ticketing people who weren't feeding the meters while they were waiting for the parade.  I'm not even joking.

Since the parade doesn't start until High Noon and because we were at the end of the parade, we had several hours to kill.  So we walked a block down to an old hotel where we'd found a party in years past.  Nothing.  No bagpipers, no old men in kilts and no people.  Just empty.  What.the.fuck.  So we walked a few more blocks to another place and found some free booze.  It was already at least 9:30 and I hadn't had my first drink, which was strange because normally I can't even walk by that time of the day.  We drank our free Irish Coffee and headed back to our vehicle - where we promptly piled in as many people as we possibly could - kind of like clowns in a Volkswagon but we were drunks in an SUV instead.

And of course, because I'm lucky like a fucking charm, a mini-van full of white trash parked next to us.  Two fat hogs unwedged themselves from the front seats, slid open the side doors and started in with their white-trashery.  "God Damn you fucking brat, I'm going to beat your fucking ass.  How many times do I have to re-do your fucking ponies today?  Quit fucking touching them!"  I got out to see the fucking brat that this classy bitch was yelling at - she was 2.  And now wailing.  Nice.  Very nice.

Finally the parade started and we all piled out and started watching it.  Evidently it's free to be in the parade because there were tons of cars in the parade.  That's right.  Cars.  Just cars.  I'm not sure if they meant to be in the parade, or just got in the wrong line of traffic actually.  FUCK.  This isn't the funeral procession.  It's.the.fucking.parade.  Oh well, just go with it.  The cars had no music, no signs, nothing.  Just cars.  Where are the floats?  FLOATS!  Where are they?  And the people weren't throwing candy or beads - just handing out coupons or fliers for their business.  Are you fucking kidding me?  I know the economy is in the shitter and all, but people haul their kids down there for the fun of chasing the candy around - children do not get excited about fucking coupons or fliers.  And if the kids aren't excited and happy and chasing candy, guess what?  They're sitting in the fucking car crying and whining.  Thanks. Fuckers.  "Keep those coupons and fliers handy so I can black list every one of those fuckers that ruined my kid's parade."

And then, just when I'd given up all hope, it appeared that the Roto-Rooter truck (yes, that's right, they brought the shit tank to the parade and called it a float) was throwing out Tshirts.  I raced to the edge of the road, knocked a kid over and yelled "ME!  ME!!"  And they threw one to me!!!!  YAY!!  Only, when I got it, I realized it was NOT a t-shirt - it was a roll of toilet paper.  I am not even making this shit up people.  They were throwing out rolls of toilet paper.  I had a yard full of toilet paper, I wanted a fucking t-shirt.  Jesus.  This parade fucking sucks - What.the.fuck is that?  A kid, walking along holding a Guitar Hero guitar - in the parade.  Hey!  Dumbass!  That's a plastic fucking guitar and it's not even real and you are not even a float.  Get the fuck out of my parade.  Seriously. 

And the older kids that were on trailers or in cars were all either talking or texing on their phones.   Hey!  I can see that shit at home.  WAVE AT ME LIKE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO!!!  Why is this parade so fucked up this year?  Where is the fucking Grand Master of the Parade?  I could not find him anywhere and it occurred to me that I hadn't even seen his dumb ass at the front of the parade like I was supposed to.  I appointed myself the Grand Master of the Parade and started barking out orders and trying to get the shit organized, but because we were at the end of the route, no one was listening to me and they were all like, "Bitch.  The parade is OVER.  We are just driving back to work here and we're not even IN the parade."  WHAT?  Where are the fucking horsies?  I did not see the fucking horsies.  I called out to a Police Cadet (who had so conveniently parked her ass next to my vehicle the entire time making it tricky for me to drink my beer, but because I am a professional and also because this was not my first rodeo, I was able to out-smart her), anyway I yelled out, "YO!  Cadet!  Where are the fucking horsies?  That is how I know the parade is over - the horsies trot by, then the street sweeper.  No horses this year ma'am. 

No horsies.  Total bullshit.  We loaded up and got the hell out of there.  And as we drove off we proclaimed it to be the LAST parade we would go to.  It's total bullshit that a homeless fucker can just slip in with the parade with one lame ass raggedy streamer on his arm and call himself a float.  It's total bullshit that the greedy businesses couldn't spare the money to buy candy to toss out.  It's total bullshit I got a roll of toilet paper instead of beads.  Next year we're just going to line the kids up in the backyard and throw candy at them from the lawn tractor and call it a parade, because evidently the word has been re-defined.


  1. crack me up....this shit is funny!!!!

  2. I hate a parade