Newsworthy?

There hasn't been much in the news lately worth talking about - seems like ever since the Olympics ended, nothing is newsworthy enough to mention.  But I can always find the intrigue in just about every tidbit I do hear so I will again, share my top news stories of the week (or past few weeks) with you:

Killer Whale kills trainer.  Ya THINK?  See the name of the animal?  KILLER whale.  This should have been the first clue that these animals are dangerous people.  I'd like to know what dipshit came up with the novel idea to begin with? "Hey!  I know!!!  Let's take a KILLER whale, put it in a tank and have people swim around and fucking ride on its back all day!"  You didn't think that KILLER whale would eventually grow tired of that shit and rebel? 

Kate Gosselin.  I love Kate Gosselin.  I admire her actually.  Some people might say that she was a bitch to her worthless husband Jon and emasculated him - I don't buy that.  He was a spineless, irresponsible whiner and she just told it how it was.  Don't go around bashing her because she said out loud all the things you were thinking in your head but were too afraid to verbalize.  I'm glad to see her back in the news.  Although I'm not sure I like her new barbie doll look.  I liked her edgy reverse mullet better.  And I can't wait to see her rockin' body in those DWTS costumes!

Toyota.  I still don't know what to do about this one.  I'm still just driving my Toyota hoping for the best.  But every time the little RPM thingie goes up, my heart races and I stop breathing - this is it - it's happening to me - I'm going to die.  But then I realize I've just accidentally thrown it into neutral instead of drive and once I correct that, I'm able to continue pulling out of my driveway.

American Idol.  I watch this show, namely because I'm addicted to train wrecks and this show is one giant fucking train wreck this year.  I'm thinking that instead of eliminating 2 at a time, they could have eliminated all BUT 2 the FIRST week and this season could have been condensed to two weeks.  Some of the contestants are so bad they need a bucket to carry their tune and still can't get it right.  I'm rootin' for Bowersox.  She's got this kick ass missing tooth thing going on and the kids think she's cool cuz she's a mom.  Maybe if I got a nose ring, some dreads and knocked out a tooth they'd think I was cool too.

Some politician behaving inappropriately.  I didn't catch his name.  All I heard was he stuck his dick out of his pants and showed it to some kids or something like that.  I didn't catch the specifics because all I could think was, "Seriously?  What.the.fuck."  Is it really that difficult - knowing when that thing should make an appearance and when it should not?  I think all politicians, upon being voted into office, should be castrated.  Maybe then, they could focus on the job at hand and not the hand job.

And on the local front - my town has been renamed to Google, KS.  That's right.  Google, KS.  See, we're vying for Google to bring their new giant innernets to us and also because we think we're pretty fucking clever, our senile fucking mayor renamed our town for a month.  The people here were pretty confused before, now they don't know what the hell they're doing or where they are.  I'm just glad the mayor is focusing on important shit and not wasting his precious time by dabbling around in meaningless discussions like our failing infrastucture and increasing gang activity.  Good to see he's got his priorities straight.