Sunday, March 21, 2010

Hi Ho Hi Ho

Well this is it.  My last day of vacation.  My hands are shaking and my stomach is in knots.  This is how the last day of every vacation goes.  And the sun is not shining, because evidently the sun does not ever shine here anymore.  And also, I am finding myself wishing away weeks of my life so I can fast forward to the time of year when the sun shines so hot you can fry an egg on the driveway.  I think I could tolerate the coldness in March, and the 6" of snow on the ground - if only the sun would shine.  How do people that live in Seattle deal with this?   They are likely the reason Prozac was invented. 

I'm trying to determine if we had a good time on our staycation?  Did we do enough with the kids?  Did they have fun?  I think they did.  I think we got out and moved around and I think we got some shit done that needed to get done.  I know we spent a lot of money - because I already started feeling anxiety over that fact about last Tuesday, even though I kept spending through Friday. 

I am going to go into this week with a positive attitude - getting back into the healthy routine I started before, yet abandoned during, my vacation - eating breakfast, exercising, eating healthy, nutritously balanced meals and taking my fistfuls of vitamins and mineral supplements that I have convinced myself I need and that make me feel better.  I don't know why I abandon those things when I don't go to work?  Maybe it's because I'm all relaxed and also because my ass isn't glued to a chair 12 hours a day so I feel like I'm exercising all day anyway? 

My days won't be spent listening to funny stories told by my kids, or laughing with my husband, or cajoling with friends.  Instead they will be filled with meetings and discussions about hard shit that I don't have a quick and easy answer to.  The lists I make will not consist of items that are simple to accomplish and won't get crossed off in a methodical manner.  The sense of daily accomplishment won't wash over me as I leave the office on a daily basis like it does when I tackle my at-home "to-do" list.  Instead it will loom over me, haunting me and cause me emotional drainage and suck away at my soul. 

When I returned to work after a two week vacation around Christmas, I had come to terms with this - I had finally "divorced" my job in that I had come to the realization that I am not that job - it is just where I go every day and it is how I make a living and support my family - but it's not *me*.  So I will spend the day today reflecting and putting my mind back in that place.  Because that is the only way I can *deal with it*.  That means that I will tackle that daunting list of shit to accomplish at work, with fervor and drive, but when I leave at 5:00 - the list will have to stay there - and I will have to momentarily forget its existence - until the next day. 

And then there's the whole "I hope I can get up at 5:30 a.m." anxiety thing going on.  I haven't been sleeping in until noon, but I have been sleeping in until 6:30, 7:30 and even one day until 8:30 each morning.  That shit won't fly come tomorrow.  Since the sun never shines and since it's now daylight savings time, I'm pretty sure it will be dark at 5:30 a.m. when the alarm so rudely awakens me tomorrow.  I probably won't sleep tonight because I'll be having nightmares about forgetting to put my pants on and showing up to work with my marshmallow ass hanging out for the world to see, or about all my teeth crumbling and falling out while I'm talking to someone on the phone.  It happens - this is the anxiety and emotional turmoil I've come to know and loathe as *normal*. 

Oh and there will likely also be crying.  The over-whelming anxiety of the return typically releases its final torment in the form of water works.  Hopefully they come today and not tomorrow - I hear its supposed to be cold again tomorrow and I really hate pacing around the building outside and having the tears freeze to my cheeks while I make a very hasty attempt to regain my composure and pull up my big girl panties and deal with it.  Not to mention it screws up my mascara.

So, I'm off - off to delve into some organizational type activities that get my mind back into the groove of being a working mom, things that will save me time and effort during my work week, things that remind me just how fucking cool and "with it" I really am.  A lot of people think I have my shit together - I've got an image to uphold here - I don't have time for a nervous breakdown.  Not now.


  1. This makes me sad... You're too cool to feel this way about something that you do for the majority of your time.

  2. I know, right? And it's funny - once I get there - I'm fine and I enjoy it - 90% of the time. It's just the anxiety of being torn between family and work and the fact that my work no longer defines "me" - but I enjoy my job! It just doesn't define me like it used to. I know that in another time, I will again find that passion of being defined by how I earn my living. Or not. Maybe you're not supposed to be defined by your work? Maybe it's another mid-life crisis? Maybe it's growing older and wiser and putting the right focus and passion into the things that just really matter the most?