I wish there was some kind of gadget thingie majigger that I could connect to my head that would record all the funny shit I think of while I'm at work or attending the other mundane activities in my life so this blog would work in real-time. AND so I didn't have remember all that shit and try to re-count it here. Maybe it could come in the form of a kick-ass hat? I love hats. The bigger the better! I wonder what my co-workers and boss would think? "WHOA! Bleach blonde? What's with the hat?" And I'd be all like, "I know, right?! Isn't it cute?" And of course I wouldn't mention that it was a thought recording device so they would never know that I was secretly blogging while at work. I wonder if I know anyone smart enough to build me a prototype of this machine so I could start testing it? Likely not. I've made a note in my handy dandy notebook of things to accomplish this year - find someone to build me a thought logging device. That should make for several interesting conversations for the remainder of the year.
Anyway - earlier this week we attended the annual high school baseball season kick-off dinner at the local trough. It's usually a pretty good time and it's a much more comfortable setting for me now that the prodigal son is a senior and I'm familiar with most of the people. And I even try very hard to smile warmly at all the incoming freshmen's parents in an attempt to make them feel comfortable and at ease - unluck those rude fuckers that acted like their shit didn't stink when we were the newbies. Getting back to the story here people - stay with me - I knew this one gal would be there and I was just waiting for her to speak. She always does. The coach speaks, and she acts like they are BFF because she is an ass kisser. She's entertaining to watch though and it's funny - in a pathetic kind of way, because those of us that have been around her for a few years are entertained by her
One of the assistant coaches was talking and he's been there since like the beginning of time, and he was talking about his tenure with the program and all acting embarrassed that he'd been there so long and was so old and all and she says, "So did you help start the program?" And because we are all very mature, we all looked at each other - heads were turning like those little spinny lollipops - and also we couldn't make eye contact with each other fast enough and roll our eyes quick enough to acknowledge amongst ourselves what a dipshit she is. He gave some answer and she nods her head in a such a way that would give one the impression that she was at a very important seminar gettin' educated by some world-renowned speaker - taking in his every word and making excessive eye contact with him. He quickly exited the room after his response, likely to go take a shower or something in the trough's bathroom because she probably made him feel all dirty and stuff.
The coach continues along his speech, no drinking, no drugs, follow the illegal substance abuse policy to a T or you will be busted, don't let pictures of your kid get on facebook if they have a red cup in their hand - cuz only alcohol gets served in red cups and if we see it we will assume your kid is drunk. Yada yada yada - if everyone can buy items for our concession stand that would be a huge help! Just buy the items and get them to such and so gal. Pretty easy damned assignment if you ask me. I immediately got out my handy dandy notebook and made a note on my list for Sam's Club: concession stand item. Done.
Next thing I know - the concession stand discussion is in full gear. What kind of items? Do you have a list of items needed? I mean, come on people - I've seen you at the concession stand - you know what the hell it offers - besides that - there are no laws on concession stand stock - just buy a fucking box of Snickers and get it to the concession stand. This is not that damned complicated. Why do people take a simple task and turn it into a fucking career path? And then - - - SHE SPOKE. "Coach! Coach!! I have a Sam's membership and if everyone wants to get their list and money to me, I have time every day to run out there and retrieve the items." ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME? SHE HAS A SAM'S CLUB MEMBERSHIP? Holy Crap! I had no idea she was THAT fucking special. A Sam's Club membership? WOW!! THAT is impressive shit right there, I don't care who you are. And then the din of the crowd roared as everyone snickered and made comment to their neighbor, "doesn't everyone have a Sam's membership? ah ha ha ha ha" - she had become, once again, the laughing stock of the baseball parent group. But she stood her ground and kept her very important look on her face and kept making eye contact with the coach and he didn't know how to respond, so he just said, "um...okay" like he was trying to figure out what to do with that information, where to file it away, and then after a long, awkward silence he must have decided to throw the information away rather than file it away and he moved on.
My phone buzzed, I had a text - it was from the prodigal son and it said, "SUCK UP" and because I'm a good role model and also because I'm appropriate at all times, I texted back, "I give blow jobs between bus routes every afternoon." (she drives a bus for the district and has the ass to prove it) Then I laughed and laughed at how funny I was and how funny the prodigal son was and thought how much the two of us were alike - finding the idiocy in people and cracking jokes about it - I was proud at what a great job I'd done of raising him.
Then the coach asked if anyone knew how to build a website because he wanted one for the team. One newbie mom spoke up, "I'm not volunteering, but there is a free site on the web that you can link to and I'm familiar with it because I do all the site information logging and setup for our summer team." Well guess what? She was hired on the spot. And do you know how that newbie mom acted when she got the news she'd been hired for the position of web hoster/admin person thingie? She HEAVY SIGHED, clicked her pen on, opened HER notebook (bitch - I thought I was the only cool organized person with a notebook) and said under her breath, "Great. Because I needed one more thing to do." Ummmm - HELLOOOO? You pretty much just put yourself out there - if you didn't want to do it - you should have kept your damned mouth shut. See me? I don't talk - at least not to the coach or loud enough for anyone other than my neighbor to hear me. THAT is how you avoid getting stuck doing that kind of shit and getting the life sucked out of you. She'll learn. Besides that, I think she liked the fact that she was in charge of something even if she was a newbie.
I don't like to be in charge of that kind of shit. I like to just go to the game, plop down my lawn chair and clandestinely sip my whiskey out of my Big Gulp cup. That's how I roll. But I am excited for the season to start. It will be the prodigal son's last high school season and I love to watch him play and I do enjoy the parents from the Varsity team - and also because I'll be drunk on whiskey most of the time, chances are I'll cry most of the season. I'm cool like that.