Thursday, September 1, 2011

Night Crawlers

What a night.  Seriously.  I went to bed with a Benadryl at 10 p.m.  Woke up to the husband yelling out some unidentifiable babble at 2 a.m.  WTF is he doing?  Fighting his demons?  Why can't he do that properly like I do?  Drown them with alcohol- THAT is proper demon fighting.  Not in the middle of the night when people are trying to sleep - that's just RUDE.  And so there I was, wide awake and 2 a.m.   Staring at the blackness that surrounded me.  And my neck started screaming at me and making me unable to return to sleep.  Ever since I took up looking at my iPhone 18 hours a day, my neck seems to be rebeling.  I'm not sure the two are actually connected, it could just be a strange coincidence?  And then my stomach started yelling out for food.  Seriously guys?  It's 2 a.m. - STFU and go back to sleep.  All y'all. 

And the more I tossed and turned, the more alert my brain became and it started thinking of all kinds of shit - about work mainly.  I think I finally got the whole lot of them to simmer down around 5 a.m. and just as I began to doze off, I felt a few light taps on my shoulder.  WTF is that?  And then it pulled my hair.  Seriously.  Now I'm scared and afraid to roll over to see the monster fucking with me at 5 a.m. - what if it's an intruder?  A ghost?  What if it's just my mind fucking with me.  Christ, will this long ass worthless night EVER end?  I could feel a presence in the room, so I went ahead and after taking a deep breath and considering all my options, rolled over to take a peek at what was tapping and pulling at me.  And I could see it - the shadow - the outline of........

THE BLONDE.  Seriously?  WHAT blonde?  WHAT?  She leaned over real close to me and whispered something unidentifiable in my ear.  Anything she whispers is unidentifiable because she's never mastered the art of whispering.  She moves her lips and lets a bit of air out, but absolutely NO SOUND.  I should likely teach her how to whisper since she's almost 9 and all because she doesn't get it.  So after a few failed attempts at getting her to repeat herself, she speaks in her normal voice and asks to get in bed with us.  And being the ever-concerned and loving parent that I am, I respond with, "Good GOD.  That's fine.  Get in the middle." 

And when she got in the middle, the husband rolled out the other side and I guess he was up for the day.  Grumpy.  Of course you're grumpy - you were in a fight with something all night.  And then my neck started yelling and screaming and Jesus H. Christ, fuck it.  I got up too.  So here we both are - in shitty ass moods all because of a shitty night's sleep.  And as I look at my agenda for the day, it looks perfectly miserable.  I think I'll skip washing my hair and wearing makeup today.  I think I'll just shower, throw on some shitty clothes and clean in between meetings so I can forget about this fucking pain in my neck.  Hopefully the husband will find a job to go to today so I don't have to deal with his grumpy ass all day.  And also I may take this god damned dog of mine to the pound.  He has been breathing heavy and licking himself for 12 days straight.  I think he has a deviated septum, no doubt aggravated by his self-induced fatness and also he's formed a habit of licking.  The non stop slurping sound of his licking hisself is going to drive me over the fucking edge.  Bye bye doggie.  It's been a real fucking treat cleaning up your 15 pounds of hair off my floors every day for 6 years.  Go lick yourself at someone else's house. 

.....and maybe I'll take a cat or two with him to the pound so he doesn't feel lonely when he gets there.  Like that one dipshit that thinks hunting moths is helpful.....

No comments:

Post a Comment