Top 10 News Articles of the Week

I hate the news. I think it's reported in a politically biased manner and twisted into whatever fucked up reality the authoring party lives in. But at the same time, I am intrigued by it. Because I know the article is going to be fucked up and one-sided, I typically just peruse the headlines and create my own article in my head to fill in the blanks. In case you haven't followed the news much this week, I'm here to help! Below are my top 10 news stories of the week, along with my editorial comments.

10. Virus carrying salmon will not sicken humans, FDA says. Seriously? You don't honestly still believe the FuckingDumbAsses do you? This is the same group of morons who continually recall pharmaceuticals they once approved due to fucked up side effects they missed in their lab rat testing process. I mean seriously? How the fuck do you miss the fact that the drug stops the heart from beating? Do not eat the salmon people - trust ME - it's NOT safe.

9. Conan O'Brien grows a beard. Who gives a shit? If it wasn't bad enough that this sophomoric dipshit threw a level 15 tantrum all across every media source there is over losing his job, now his facial hair is news?

8. Iowa teen has country's fastest thumbs. People. PEOPLE! PEOPLE! Wake.the.fuck.up. Why are we, as a nation, fostering this obsession with texting in our youth? This is OUR future. How the hell are these kids supposed to get jobs, move out and support us in our golden years if the only fucking skill they possess is texting? Is there a big job market for this? And how the hell will they change our Depends if their fucking thumbs are all deformed from arthritis caused by texting?

7. Dude flies plane into IRS building, friends didn't see it coming. REALLY? You mean he didn't fucking alert his friends to his rage and plan to fucking fly a plane into a government building? What.the.fuck. Weird shit. I would have thought he would have made his plot known to all.

6. America is no closer to knowing if Bin Laden is dead or alive. WHY? What the fuck are all those CIA agents doing all day? Why the hell is this shit so hard to figure out? We're spending how many millions of dollars a second to hunt this fucker down and kill him and it just now comes up that we don't even know if he's dead or alive? Pretty.fucking.important part of the plan dipshits.

5. Toyota. Look. I have one of these re-called cars. Just fucking get them fixed. Seriously. I'm sick and damned tired of other drivers on the road looking scared shitless everytime they see me approaching - not sure whether I'll be able to stop or not. Although I do get a thrill out of passing them on the highway with my hands in the air and having that scared out of my fucking mind look on my face. It's pretty funny to watch actually. But seriously - stop interrogating them and let them get focus on the problem at hand.

4. What's on athletes iPods? Why is this news? Did anyone really read this article? Because they thought they could also become an Olympian by listening to the same music? I don't see the relevance of any part of this article to any aspect of my life.

3. Tiger Woods breaks silence. So? I don't give a shit. I really don't. I don't care if he screwed every blonde in America. He is a GOLFER. Not a freakin' religious icon. Clinton didn't have sexual relations with what's her nuts and that got less media coverage than Tiger Woods banging a bunch of groupies. Clarence left a pubic hair on a soda can and I heard less about it. I'm over Tiger Woods and you should be too.

2. Obese woman gives birth in Romania. She weighed 528 pounds. Look people - I scanned through this article - first to see how much she weighed. Second to get a glimpse of her fat ass so I would be inclined to put down my own fork. And third so I could find out how the hell she got pregnant to begin with. THAT is the news people. THAT is the part EVERYONE wants to know. How in the hell did she end up pregnant? But alas, there was no mention of the root of this phenomenon in the article.

1. And my favorite of the week. Obama visits the Dalai Lama and pisses off the Chinese. What.the.fuck. Who gets pissed at a Dalai Lama? He's an old fart in a dress and flip flops. Seriously? Get the fuck over it. And also, because I am not afraid of Dalais or Lamas, I have my own to prove it:
Okay. So maybe the Chinese ARE on to something here - it is pretty fucking scary.