Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I'll get to it DAMMIT!

I had to have this. I DID! Because having it would change my life. IF I had it, I would instantly become re-energized to get off my chewed up bubble gum ass and exercise, which would inherently result in me not puking my intestines out of my mouth every time I pass by the mirror naked. It might also boost my confidence when wearing a swimming suit this summer.

See, every year I think it would be a GREAT idea to spend the cold winter months exercising, so at the first sign of spring I can safely wear short sleeves without someone mistaking my arms for a mis-shapen golf ball. But I rarely do it. Last year, I bought the Wii Fit after a long driving trip in which rigor mortis had set in. I used it daily. I did. The first time I used it, I was able to run in place for 3 minutes before collapsing. I zipped home daily at lunch and quickly changed into my newly purchased workout clothes (duh! I couldn't go around the empty house looking like a fashion disaster) and ran in place. Eventually, I was able to run for 30 minutes without stopping and I was running fast! I was good at it. I started threatening to run little marathons - you know - a 5K - "I can do that! Because I can run in place for 30 minutes!"

The non-believers pointed out that running in place, in the house, on the carpet, was NOT the same as running outside on natural terrain. Ta hell with all y'all! I can and I will do it. Then, it got hot. Too hot to run in the house over lunch and still get back to work looking and smelling presentable. I could have ran outside, but I was scared. What if there was a mugger? Or a coyote? A headless horseman? Vampire bats? I mean, these are REAL concerns. Then one day, as I was driving down the road, I saw a man running, he tripped, he fell on the gravel shoulder, he landed on his shoulder and fell into a ravine. WTF? Jesus. I hoped he was okay. I KNEW running outside was NOT SAFE. This is why I could not do it.

So therein ended my running career. The other day, I mentioned to the husband, well I didn't mention it - I texted him in a state of panic and emergency - "I need a treadmill - NOW! And if I had one RIGHT NOW, I would walk on it EVERY morning and EVERY night." He texted back, some nonsensical horse shit about how they cost a lot of money, and he'd have better luck finding a used one during garage sale season - which is NOT right now in our part of the country. I pleaded with him, "I won't want it then - I want it NOW DAMMIT - NOW!" He said he'd see what he could come up with. Then he asked me why, when he wanted a piece of exercise equipment, I told him it was a stupid waste of money, but when I want one, we have to have it NOW. I had to point out the obvious to him again - "The exercise equipment you want IS stupid, things I want are not."


Well, a few weeks have passed and I still haven't seen that treadmill. But I did get a huge bruise on the back of my knee from my ass slapping on it was I walked through the buffet line the other day. And it finally occurred to me that my stomach looks like an elephant's ass - I hadn't been able to quite put my finger on what it reminded me of - but that's it. An elephant's ass. So I decided that I needed the Wii Active - you know - something NEW - something fresh. Something to get me going again. So, with a gift card the husband and I had received for Christmas, I bought it. He was with me at the time and gasped when the register displayed the total. "Never fear sweetie - I bought this with our gift card!" He was thrilled.

So, we got it home and the 7 year old tore it out of the box, and started to put it all in order so she could play it. I promptly went to my bed. She asked if I was going to play it with her - "Nope - it's naptime - see - 3:30 - naptime!" And off I went for naptime. Well, evidently, once she realized it was not just a game, but more of an exercise aide, she lost interest. So there it sits, strung out, unloved.

I was going to get up and use it this morning, but I couldn't. I had to drive Daughter #1 to school at 5:45 which requires I sit on my chewed up bubble gum ass, drink coffee and consider how shitty I feel for 15 minutes before I make the drive. I couldn't do it after I got home from driving her. I had to get ready for work. Then I had to retrieve her at 7:30 and then I had to drive to work. The people at the school had been late - 5 minutes on each end - I loathed them - had it not been for them - I could have used my Wii Active this morning.

I came home at lunch, but alas, I could not use the Wii Active. The daughters were home from school and watching something very important on MTV. And besides, after I ate that box of mac-n-cheese, I wasn't really feeling like doing a sit up anyway.

I couldn't use the Wii Active tonight - I was cold. It's too cold to exercise. Too cold to get off this couch, put down this laptop which is better than having a cat on your lap, too cold to do a damned thing but sit here and salivate over the thought of a chocolate cookie.

I'm going to use that thing though - I AM. AND it's going to change my life. It won't be tomorrow though - I have driving duty at 5:45 a.m., a work meeting over lunch, a dinner meeting in the evening and then it will be my bedtime. Likely not the next day either - I'll probably be tired and I think I'm busy that day. I'll do it Friday. I WILL - as soon as I figure out how to hold my whiskey in one hand, cigarette in the other AND that stretchy thing that looks like laffy taffy all at the same time.

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