Friday, February 12, 2010

Hair. An argument.

I have some weird OCD regarding hair. It's true. I do. I'm not afraid to admit it. It's unfortunate that I come from a long line of cavemen, because this strange aversion to hair coupled with my unnaturally hairy lineage results in quite a bit of time spent defuzzing.

There are a few must-have personal groomers that EVERYONE - man, woman and child - should have in their possession at all times. I'd like to discuss those and share with you their amazingness and importance - just in case you aren't already in the know.

First off - the MicroTouch Magic Pesonal Hair Trimmer. This is a necessity in every bathroom and yet small enough to keep in your purse, or your glove box. This little gem quickly and painlessly rids your face of unwanted hairs - like the unibrow that appears between caterpillar mowing appointments; unwieldy mustache hairs that seem to appear the morning after your 40th birthday. That feisty peach fuzz on your jawline that grows unseemingly longer with each passing year. Perhaps you've noticed you have porkchop sideburns made of fine, blonde hair - not a problem for MicroTouch! Got a few stray hairs on your big toe? Never fear! This baby takes them right off without threatening to amputate your toe in the process. Sitting in bed and notice the single random, 5" long hair on your foot? MicroTouch to the rescue. This sweet grooming tool will NEVER let you down. NOTE: It's important to keep good batteries in it at all times, because if the battery starts to run down, the actual shaving will be more along the lines of yanking of the hair - which is not so cool.

Second - you'll want a good nose/ear trimmer. Trust me on this one - it's NOT just for men. I know, we all have laughed at those funny old men with fur balls sticking out of their ears, or the ones that you can't tell if they've grown a mustache or if that's their nose hair coming out their nose and forming said mustache. It's funny, right? Sure - unless it's YOU. Seriously - ladies - you too - this is a MUST have. I love the sound it makes when I use it, too. Think: running a hire powered weed wacker and hitting a chain link fence. LOVE IT. Everytime I hear that noise, I think, "GOOD GOD - how many people SAW that hair before I took care of it?" ALWAYS use it before you go to your hair stylist or dentist. You don't want to be the client who becomes the butt of the jokes that day. "You should have seen the nose hairs on my 8:15 - OMG - I thought she had a ferret in her nose!" IF you are surrounded by people shorter than you quite a bit of time - you might also consider this great personal grooming tool. Little kids are NOT nice. They WILL laugh at you on the playground behind your back - trust me. I used to be a little kid, I know.

Nair. Don't leave home without it. Razors alone cannot rid you of all hair that needs to be rid. Some hair is just too fine for a razor to sever. In these cases - you could use the MicroTouch - OR you could just use some Nair. 10 minutes from start to finish and you're hair free in those tough to reach, tough to navigate over places. (think: KNEES) Warning - it smells like ASS. Just like burnt hair. Warn your housemates so they don't think something you ate for dinner is crawling back out to haunt them.

Tweezers. For the love of God ladies (AND MEN) - keep a pair on you at all times. It NEVER fails - NEVER - that goat hair that sporadically grows out of your chin - one day it's not there, the next day you don't see it - weeks go by - you don't see it, you don't feel it - and then - there you are - in your car, full sunlight shining in, and look in your car mirror and WHOA - HOLY SHIT - there it is - 9" long and dark black. You panic - how long has it been there? Why didn't I feel it? Why didn't I see it? Who saw it and thinks I'm a freak now? Then you scramble for tweezers and you have none. So you pull it - and it just curls up into this pubic hair on your chin. This is NOT a good look. I've been known to take a match to them and pray to God I didn't light myself on fire. So please, be safe. Carry tweezers with you. I mean, you never know when you'll be driving down the road, look over at your husband and notice he's got those damned Andy Rooney eyebrows - the ones you specifically told him a million times over to NEVER wear out of the house. But it's too late, you're already running behind, he's got a 12" eyebrow hair sticking straight out. If you don't have your tweezers, you have no choice but to go straight to the bar and ditch his ass when you get to your destination. That typically does not make for a happy evening.

My aunt has one of those 10x (or more) magnifying mirrors - I do not. I'm afraid of them. I think I look like an old hag when I see my reflection in them. But I'm thinking that it's really the only way to be 100% certain there are no random goat hairs on my face before I leave the house. I think I will put that on my Christmas list for next year. I bet I can make myself feel really insecure within a week of receiving one of those. But it's important enough to me - this hair thing - to risk it.

Regarding arm hair: For men - fine. For women - IF you can braid it, IF it is thicker than your husband's, or IF I can see it from across the room - get rid of it. It's gross, unnecessary and completely defeminizing. Shave it off, Nair it off, pluck it out - I don't give a shit what you do with it - just get rid of it. Here's another good test - IF your watch band tends to eat the hair on your arm and cause you pain - it's too much, okay? Just that simple. TOO MUCH. I think both of my grandmother's shaved their arms. I remember thinking that was weird. Not in a bizarre kind of way - but more in a curious way. Why on earth would you shave the hair off your arms? Well, one day I turned 30 and I understood. It wasn't pretty, and it wasn't attractive. Not to mention my arms were so damned hot all the time from the 15 pounds of fur on them. Just trust me on this one ladies.

I had a boss once - every time I sat next to him I noticed he had an 8" hair growing straight out of the middle of his forehead. It was strange to me - that he never noticed it. Even more curious to me was the fact that his barber didn't take care of the matter. I mean, good barbers will clean men up and make sure they don't run around looking like their heads are overstuffed with hair to the point it's coming out all orifices. But not his. His barber would leave that one, lone, long hair - sticking straight out of his forehead. Over time, and getting to know him better and realizing what a kooky condescending ass he was, I decided that the barber left it there intentionally to make a mockery of the man. THAT made the random hair on his forehead acceptable to me because I was amused by it. Me and that barber - we shared a common thought, even though we'd never met. I liked that barber. He came to be one of my favorite people. I only wished I'd asked his name so I could call him and share some stories with him over a beer.

Anyway - THAT is another story for another time. The point here is this: PEOPLE!!! Seriously - I get that we MAY be descendants from cavemen or apes (I'm NOT saying that's the stance I take on the subject matter - so don't get all wound up) - we've evolved - as a human race - over time - into having a better grasp on what looks good and what looks bad - we're not forging across the country in covered wagons anymore, we're not living in stick houses. We're a civilized nation. GET OFF YOUR DAMNED CELL PHONES ON YOUR WAY TO WORK AND GET TO TRIMMING YOUR NOSE HAIRS INSTEAD!!!

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