Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Do NOT Put Me in that BOX

So, as I was driving back to the corporate headquarters of Company X after lunch today, I was once AGAIN faced with the problem that the lane which I use to merge off one highway and onto another quickly ENDS upon merge and the car in the much needed lane does NOT get the hell over. It irritates me. I drive this route daily and almost daily I am faced with this situation. So I'm watching my mirrors and have my blinker on and I'm waiting, and driving, and rapidly running out of road when finally I notice the pain in the ass car in my way has slowed down so I can merge over. THANK YOU! Well, I was thinking all kinds of hateful thoughts about this moronic other driver and screaming in my loudest out loud voice and ungraciously thanking him/her for letting me get over in that lane. "THANKS ASS! Appreciate you considering there are other people in the world besides you and letting me over! Much obliged!"

That's when I noticed in my rear view mirror that the pain in the ass was actually a hearse. Cripes. I hope it's not leading a procession or something formal and ritual and such and I've just disrespected the dead. I looked in my mirror again, no, I did not see any caravan or anything of the sorts, so I decided it must just be a lone hearse driving along the highway for whatever reason. Picking up a corpse? Ewww - yuck. I sure as hell would not want to drive one of those things around - no wonder s/he wouldn't let me over - it was making a B line - (is it a B line? or a Bee line? And what does it mean, anyway. I will make a note to google that in a bit) - to its destination. Wouldn't you?

Well that's when it hit me. Just like that! BOOM!!! By God, when I die I do not want to be hauled around in some box in the back of one of those hearse thingies. I want to be driven around in a limo - propped up through the sunroof with one hand extended like I'm Miss America waving in a parade. Now THAT would be FUN! Not to mention funny as hell! Can't y'all see me arriving at my funeral in a limo - sticking out the sun roof, waving? My hair would be all mussed up like I like it and I'd be having my final party. Then that's what got me thinking: Hell! I don't want to lay in that box during the funeral either. Instead, it would be better if I was propped up in a chair, with a smoke in one hand and a drink in the other - just kind of off to the side, but in the front, so I could watch everyone. Kind of like Weekend with Bernie or whatever it's called where they just prop that dead guy up at various parties all weekend and such - funny shit!

So there I'd be - sittin' at my funeral, pretending to smoke and drink - watching all of my mourners. Kind of like a Barbie Doll. Yes! That's it - like a Barbie Doll! Hopefully I'd be one of those expensive Barbie's whose knees bend with a little force, otherwise I'd just be sitting there with my legs extended and that would be rather awkward. I wondered if it would freak people out - seeing me sitting there. Would they be confused and think I was really alive? Then it occurred to me that I wouldn't be talking incessantly and interrupting the speaker so my deadness would be evident.

Anyway - about the time I got to really amusing myself with these thoughts, I was interrupted by my arrival at Company X and had to get back to work. My afternoon was busy so my mind never wandered back to my Barbie Doll funeral until my drive home tonight. I hopped in the car and as I neared that same spot on the road, my mind immediately went back to the bizarre thoughts I'd had at lunch. And just as my mind started down a path of thinking it's funny - the things my mind thinks of without any prodding and wondering if other people thought of funny random shit like I do, I heard a song playing softly in the back of my mind.... Prop me up beside the juke box when I die......

Dammit. I NEVER have a novel idea! NEVER!
So I dropped my thought about my funny funeral and started wondering, "What in the hell ever happened to Joe Diffie anyway? And is that who sang that song? I think he did, I'm not sure anymore. I think I've actually forgotten more than I ever knew......."

1 comment:

  1. "Bee line" and "Weekend at Bernie's" (and "Weekend at Bernie's II," if we're getting down to brass tacks!)

    And you crack my shit UP. I was laughing outloud at this because I could "see" it all happening... you yelling in the car right down to the hair you were picturing sporting at your Barbie funeral. I was cracking up, and then I was a bit saddened at the thought of laughing about the idea of your funeral.

    Anyway, I KNOW this is a story "the hubby" hasn't heard yet!!

    You rock.


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