Hi! Hand over ALL your Money...........

.... and PLEASE - make that in the form of multiple checks - preferably an entire BOOK of checks.  Thank you.

School enrollment day.  What a complete cluster fuck.  The ONLY good part about it is that I only had 2 to enroll in the public school system today rather than the normal 3.  Had I been blogging a year ago it would have been the same story - but even worse.  If I knew how the hell to do a lick of math I'd tell you exactly by how much it would be worse - or by how much it was better this year just by virtue of having one less kid - but I suck at math and I've been telling my calculator for an hour what I want it to perform and it just sits there looking back at me like it can't hear me or something.  (By the way - it's MY idea to have a calculator that just LISTEN to plain English and return the value - so don't be all stealing my idea and shit).

Anyway - so enrollment.  It always starts out with "fill out the paper work." 

Where the hell is the paperwork you had on file last year?  Couldn't you just ask me if there are any changes to it?  Wouldn't that make a helluva lot more sense not only to ME, but to you - because now you have to pay someone to fucking rekey that shit into the computer.  You use computers, I assume?

Fill out more paperwork:  Child's Name; Date of Birth; Gender; Other Children in the Home; Address; Phone Numbers; so on and so forth. 

Why?  I fucking told you her name on the first piece of paper I filled out - it hasn't changed in the 6' we traveled to get to the "STEP 2" table.  This could be SO much more efficient people - you HAVE heard of computers and databases haven't you?

Please write out a check for $124. 

For WHAT? 

Textbooks and fees.

I thought this was a FREE education? 

It is.

No.  It's not.  You just told me to write a fairly large check.

That's for fees.

For what?

Textbooks, lockers, copies, internet, BOWLING.

BOWLING?  What.the.fuck. does that have to do with an education?

Your child enrolled in bowling.

I don't even understand why in the hell you would OFFER a dumbass class like bowling.  Don't you have life-skills classes here, like BASKETWEAVING?

No.  We ran out of reeds.

Ah - good.  A teacher with a sense of humor.  Good enough then - you tricky fuck - here's your $124 check - BYE!!

No - you need to go to "that" table over there - "STEP 3"  and fill out some more forms.

- Child's Name?

The same as it has been since we walked in here and the same it's always been for 15 years.  Yet I was handed some more forms - to fill out the same damned information - name, address, phone number, other children in the house, etc.  ITS THE SAME PEOPLE - IT'S CALLED A DATABASE - FUCKING BUILD ONE!

I'll need a check for $50.

For what? 

A yearbook. 

Fine. 

You only want one yearbook?

I only have ONE high school student - what would I do with more than one yearbook?

Do you want it personalized?

Does it cost more?

Yes.

Then no-  we have a sharpie at home - I'll write her name on it there. 

Proceed to Table 4 please.....

Where they now want MORE money - activity fees.  Lunch money.  You want to boost the band?  The fine arts?  NO - I want to get online - fill out the basic information ONCE - ONCE - you hear me?  ONCE - when they enroll in kindygarten.  And then each year I want to UPDATE that information - because her name never fucking changes.  NEVER.  Neither does her date of birth.  NOR do her parents or siblings - they are ALWAYS the same.  And I want to then associate each child to each other so YOU can figure out who goes with whom.  I'm sick of writing it down over and over and over and over - and I'm SICK of writing 15 checks at one school to enroll - it's called an accounting system - GET ONE.  Jesus.  You CAN split one check out and send it "on the books" to different places. 

Then I went to the elementary school where it was the same shit - over and over and over - and they want $97 for a 2nd grader to go to school.

Are you fucking kidding me?  I just paid that SAME textbook rental fee for a sophomore.

Our books are expensive.

They are NOT.  They cannot be the same price as those used at the high school.  I don't believe you.

Do you want a spirit shirt? 

No I don't want a fucking spirit shirt. 

Well here's an order form anyway - you may change your mind.

What I need is a damned school supply list.

Which they happily provided and as I read it discovered I have to not only provide 2 reams of copy paper BUT - I also need to provide:

4 tennis balls (likely for the chairs) - which is fucking fascinating because they are sold in tubes of 3.  So I had to buy 2 tubes and now I have 2 balls left over.  Maybe I'll strap them on and march up to the next school board meeting and have a little chat with them about inefficiencies and how they cause WASTE and how better off their finances would be if they weren't so fucking stupid and go themselves better organized.  Look.  You want tennis balls on the chairs - fine.  I can appreciate that - I also hate loud noise (but notice I also intentionally do not work in a school - but whatever) - so what you do is simple - you count the chairs you have (fuck, even I can do THIS math problem) then you multiply that number by 4.  Then that's the TOTAL number of balls you need.  Then you either a) go online and find them at a great price in bulk and pass that cost to each child on a pro-rata basis (I'll explain how to figure that later if you need me to because I can also do that math problem) - OR b) you just take the TOTAL - then divide it by 3 (since balls are sold in tubes of 3) and you determine how many TUBES of balls you need.  Then you take that number, multiply it by the cost of a tube of balls plus the sales tax - that's becomes your TOTAL cost of buying the balls by the tube - then you divide that number by the number of kids in your class and tell each parent to just pay that amount.  Oh  - - and YOU go to fucking Walmart and buy the balls yourself since YOU are the one that actually wants them and they add NOTHING to the overall value of my child's education.  It's simple.

Next asinine thing on the list - 2 BLACK bullet point Dry-Erase Markers.  They don't MAKE bullet point Dry-Erase markers.  They have CHISEL point - is that what you mean?  Oh - and guess what?   They do not sell them in bundles of 2 BLACK - you can get 2 - but they are different colors - and you can get 4 - but they, too, are different colors.  But you cannot buy 2 together that are black.  Nor can you just buy 1.  Sorry.  They do not sell those at Walmarts.  So again - ORDER THEM IN FUCKING BULK AND JUST PASS THE 72 CENTS ON TO ME.  Or maybe - I'll just order them in bulk and donate them to you and save all the parents a trip around town trying to find something that does not fucking exist. 

I think EVERY teacher should have to shop their school supply list at least ONCE.  Shop it at Walmarts like we all do.  See how much fucking sense it makes.  Try it. 

But the good news:  instead of $1,000 free education enrollment day like it was last year  - I got out of that place spending only $600!!!  WOO HOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!  I  ROCK!!! 

Oh wait - I haven't bought school clothes or put money in lunch accounts yet. 

Shit.