Sunday, August 1, 2010

All Totally Random Shit

I was reading someone else's blog yesterday and as I read it, I found myself totally depressed by the writer's words.  It was a predictable outcome in this person's life.  I believe I even called it 20 years ago that this is what would ultimately become of this person.  And now, as I read their blog, I was saddened by the reality.  And also I felt a little guilty that I had predicted this would be the way it would come to be for them.  I wonder if I ever warned them in my out loud voice - - likely not.  I likely just mentioned it over and over again to other people behind their back.  I wish I'd said it out loud.  Now maybe their life would be different.  I was also so disturbed by their words, that I found myself mentioning it to my husband later in the night.  Telling him what had become of this person and their marriage and their life.  And at that moment, I felt VERY lucky - to have married my best friend - someone who WANTS to be with me every waking moment of my life.  Who will go to the ends of the earth to please me and do things for me and loves me no matter what.  I decided to stop wasting my energy on being sad for this other person and instead invest that energy into my best friend and try to give back to him all the love he gives to me.  Sometimes I'm not terribly loving or giving.  I forget.  It happens.  Like now.  While we all sit in separate rooms of the house.  I guess we are all in need of our alone time though.  I'll wander out there in a bit.  Problem is, the minute I wander out, someone needs me for something.  And sometimes I just don't want to feel needed.  I just want to "be". 

I have lost my sense of humor.  I can't think of a single witty or clever thing to say.  Somehow I've lost it.  What I find is that I'm a know it all of sorts all of a sudden.  I need to get the hell over that. I  think I've always been a bit of a know it all - but that's not my fault.  I can't be blamed because I know a lot of shit. Deal with it. 

We're going on a family "trip" in week.  A day at an amusement park.  I'm already having anxiety attacks about it.  There will be people there - lots of them.  And some will be fat and stink.  I bet they have germs too.  And it will be hotter than hell.  And I have to put my baby on a death trap ride.  I've also convinced myself that there is a 99.9% chance someone will die while we are there.  Should be a great day.  We're going with my brother and his family.  There will be 10 of us total.  The kids age in range from 18-6.  I'm going to take half a Xanax before I get in the car that morning - hopefully that will be enough to bury the anxiety and afford me a good time that day.  I should also likely get some ear plugs.  And Germ X.  When did I totally lose my sense of adventure?  I think walking to our back two acres is an adventure - one which I'm not willing to take but once a year. Seriously.  When the hell did this happen? 

The blonde wants me to go on a bike ride with her today.  I want to. I really do.  But it's just too damned hot.  I'm staying in the house with the curtains closed and pretending it's winter outside.  I might even make a pot of chili for dinner.  Sometimes you just gotta have a break from the heat.  It happens.

Good lord, is this not the most mundane post ever.  Yes.  Signing off...

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