So I've likely previously mentioned somewhere in this rant of a blog that I cannot stand the FDA. I like to refer to them as the Fucking Dumb Asses. They cannot seem to make up their minds on anything. One day something is good for you and encourage the public to eat it, take it, drink it, do it, whatever. Then later they change their mind and determine that whatever it was is now bad for you and will kill you. Or vice versa. They don't have a fucking clue. That's what I think. And they just make shit up as they go along and like sheep, we all just follow along with whatever bullshit they feed us. Anywho...
I finally picked up this script that the doctor ordered - you know - the one I've been bitching about for two weeks now. The whole point behind this script was to do something about my anxiety, insomnia, perpetual irritability and the likes thereof. I RARELY take drugs (except for the occasional Xanax to calm me down) and I don't believe in them BECAUSE of my opinion of the FDA. But being at a point of desperation, I decided to move forward with this one and give it a whirl. The drugs came with 5 pages of instructions and warnings and read each and every word so I could familiarize myself with what to expect. I won't rehash all the warnings but here's a snippet of the expected or possible side effects of these pills:
Anxiety or panic attacks
Feeling agitated, restless, angry or irritable
Trouble sleeping
Unusual changes in behavior or mood
WTF FDA? If I'm set out to develop a drug that will curb those types of things, and determine, through "extensive testing" that the drug I developed also causes or worsens those things, how the hell do you call that a success? I mean, I'm thinking that it's a complete project failure. ??? Whatever. As I continued to read through this paperwork with the husband, we determined that neither of us would really be able to assess if I was experiencing any of the side effects or if it was just normal every day bullshit from me.
Me: Says here that I should call 911 if I start having grand ideas. WTF is wrong with a grand idea? Are they afraid I'll finally solve the world's problems and part of that will be to shut them down? Also says to call 911 if I start talking more or faster than usual.
Him: I don't know how that's possible or how I'd be able to determine if you were talking more or faster because you never shut up and you're always going 100 mph.
Me: Also says here that side effects include feeling anxious, sweating, not feeling hungry...
Him: Well, you're always anxious, you have horrible night sweats and have you even eaten today?
Me: No. I don't know. I don't remember. I'm not hungry so I don't think I have eaten today.
Him: Great. So now I have to babysit you and make damned certain you eat because you never eat and now you're taking medication that might make that worse.
Me: Says here that yawning is a side effect. {yawn} Great. Now I'm yawning. {yawn} Fuck. I yawned again. {yawn} Shit. I can't stop yawning ever since I said the word yawning. {yawn} This is not going to be good. {yawn} My jaw is already starting hurt from all the {yawn} yawning. DAMMIT. Do you think it's the drug already kicking in or do you think it's just that yawning {yawn} SHIT is contagious and habitual? {yawn}
Him: I don't know. But stop yawning because now it's making me have to {yawn} yawn. Have you had any grand ideas yet? {yawn}
Me: No. I don't think so - but I think all my ideas are fairly grand so how will I be able to tell?
Him: No clue.
And with that we yawned our way to bed. The next morning I must have yawned 50 times in the first hour I was awake. And my stomach was upset and I had a horrible headache.
Me: I can't stop yawning and I'm nauseous and I have a horrible headache. Do you think it's side effects from these drugs?
Him: I'm guessing it's side effects from the 10 beers you slammed down last night and the fact you didn't eat yesterday.
Me: oh. It did mention not to use alcohol when taking this medication. Do you think they were serious about that?
Him: Maybe you should have started the medication when you were sober so you could get an idea how it makes you feel sober instead of taking it when you were drinking?
Well THERE'S a GRAND IDEA. Clearly this shit does NOT work.
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