Sunday, November 20, 2011

Oh Why are there No Moose here?

Yesterday morning I woke up and immediately remembered a dream I'd had overnight.  My mom was driving and texting while I was in the car.  And we were on a narrow and curvy road and I kept asking her to stop and she refused and kept saying, "I've got this - I drive a Volvo - it's fine."  It was totally fucked up and irresponsible and I was still mad at her and stayed mad at her all day yesterday.  I should probably send her an email and let her know just how fucked up and irresponsible she is.

Then I drove to Rochester, MN.  And along the way I learned several things that I'd like to share:

  1. I am capable of leaving the house and driving, alone, for distances farther than 10 miles.
  2. People in Wyandotte County drive like shit and that is evidenced by the fact that all of their cars are beat to shit.
  3. 635 is not the same as 670 and take you to different places.
  4. People in Missouri drive like shit.
  5. I am addicted to my phone and had that was evidenced by the serious withdrawals I was having by not being able to look at it continuously for 7 hours.
  6. People in Iowa drive even worse than people in Missouri.
  7. Talk to Tweet would be a super cool app because I kept thinking of really funny shit I wanted to Tweet along the way, but could not because I was driving - I wonder if someone has already thought of that?  I should look into that. 
  8. Wendy's new and improved burgers are not really that improved.  As a matter of fact, I think they're even shittier than before.
  9. Road trips are more fun with alcohol - but that seems irresponsible so I didn't bring any alcohol.
  10. I drink too much - of anything.  I swilled water after water, one right after the other.  This explains my perpetual over-serving myself of alcohol.  I should likely just stick to water.
  11. I-35 north is a boring fucking drive and evidently also the home of the great deer massacre of 2011. 
  12. It's peculiarly peaceful being alone for 7 hours in a car.
  13. I sing exactly like George Michael, Melissa Ethridge, Rihanna, Janet Jackson and Natasha Bedingfeld.  I had no idea my vocal range was so broad.
  14. If you take an anti-anxiety pill, 1/2 a Xanax and drink two beers - you CAN sleep through the night.
  15. It's cold as fuck in Minnesota.
  16. Evidently there are no moose in this part of Minnesota so I'm pretty upset and disappointed. 
  17. The mattress in the hotel room will not fit in my suitcase - no matter how I try to fold it or cram it in, so I'll need to come up with Plan B on getting that into my car to take home.
  18. Having 8 pillows in your room to choose from is not better - it only became a chore to try them all and make a decision.
  19. Munchkins must assemble showers in hotels because the shower heads are always very very low and while it works great for me, I can't help but think they're a pain in the ass for the general population.
  20. Hair that comes in an aerosol can and is sprayed on your head doesn't really disguise the fact that you're bald.  As a matter of fact it just makes you look like an even bigger douche bag.
I'm sure I'll learn more things on this journey and I'm looking forward to this educational experience with great anticipation!!

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