Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Back to the Basics - PLEASE!

Let's revisit the purpose of this online rhetoric blog for just a moment. The original purpose was for me to be the voice of millions who know they see bullshit everywhere and who also practice restraint in blabbering on about it.  You KNOW you see it.  You KNOW you WANT to shout it out to the universe.  But you also know that it's just not widely accepted to do so.  I'm thrilled by your restraint and politic manner.  I really am.  But it bores me.  So I'm here to act as your agent because I have a calling to point the shit out when I see/hear it.  THAT.WAS.THE.PURPOSE. 

 Never fear.  It still is - I just wanted to give us all a little refresher course in why we're here.  If you're here to read sweet recounts of my love for my family, or understand better my adoration of my husband, then you are in the wrong damned place.  Rest assured for those of you that doubt - I do love my children and I do adore my husband.  But dammit - there are truths to be told and by God I'm here to tell them.

So let's get back to it, shall we?

Bullshit I've heard THIS WEEK (and it's ONLY Wednesday and I'm certain I've forgotten most of it so this is likely only part of a partial list)

After having asked the husband to pick up some facial moisturizer for me while he was out:

Him:  The facial moisturizer you use is way too expensive

Me:  Seriously?  We are NOT having this conversation

Him:  I'm just sayin' it's expensive and thought...

Me:  I'm NOT having this fucking conversation.  I used to use Clinique.  I'm now down to fucking Garnier from Walmart - what's next?  Udder Butter?  Shut.The.Fuck.Up

Conversation held (on paper) while on a conference call with co-workers on a recent snow day:

Blonde:  What can I have for breakfast?

Me:  *quickly makes a nice thoughtful list for her* Cereal; Oatmeal; Peanut Butter Toast; Regular Toast; Grapes; Banana; Orange

Blonde:  Can I TRY to make pancakes?

Me:  Go find your dad while I work please.

Same snow day:

Brunette:  Can I go sledding with Taylor Swift?  (Clearly it's not REALLY Taylor Swift - I've changed the names to protect the innocent)

Me:  NO!  You are NOT riding around this town in the damned snow with fucking Taylor Swift *Jesus Christ teenagers are freakin' stupid*

Brunette:  I didn't say Taylor Swift, I said Cutie Pie (clearly another nickname) and she's being dropped off here.  We're not driving anywhere - GAWD!!

Me:  Oh.

Conversation held at 7:45 p.m. - AFTER a 1.5 hour trip to Walmart purchasing goodies for her BFF's sweet 16:

Brunette:  MOM!!!  I was just reminded tomorrow is German Food Day.

Me:  Yeh. So?

Brunette:  Well I have to make these pretzels.

Me:  **FUCK ME - you can MAKE pretzels?**  Oh.  Okay. Well good luck.

Brunette:  [lists off all the ingredients]

Me:  [Continues to sit in bed and not moving]  Ok

Blonde:  You should have though of all that earlier.


Conversation held over text

Brunette:  Can I go to the KU game Saturday with Joe?  (AGAIN - the names have been changed to protect the innocent)

Me:  Who is Joe? [quickly pulling up the game schedule to verify there IS a game - which HA! HA!!  There is NOT]

Brunette:  A friend.

Me:  *VERY SMUG* Well, since the game is in Ann Arbor, MI on SUNDAY - NO!  You cannot go to that game Saturday with Joe.  *HA!  KA-BAM!!!!  I WIN!!!*

Brunette:  It's the women's game mother.

Me:  [quickly pulling up the women's game schedule]  *Very defeated*  Oh. 

Do you see the trend here?  These little fuckers are getting smarter than me.  This is NOT good people.  NOT good. 

No comments:

Post a Comment