Friday, January 22, 2010

Red Wine

I'm going to drink this entire bottle of red wine:

Even if it kills me. You probably already noticed that it's already missing some from the bottle. That was NOT my doing. This is a bottle that was opened and partially enjoyed by guests at my Christmas dinner. I had NO idea that alcohol could be stored, not even over night. To think that all these years, I've stayed up late drinking all the booze in the house before I could turn in the for the night because I didn't want it to go to waste. All the times I've gotten escorted out of the bar at "closing time" as I argued that there was still booze left behind the bar and we couldn't possibly leave. Who knew? It's likely that exact same misperception that started my lifelong disdain of red wine.

I don't drink red wine and I haven't since I was ummm.... younger. Instead, when beef is served and I'm offered a glass of Shiraz, Cabernet, Pinot Noir - although the names sound classy and I like the idea of being classy, I always just politely reply, "No thank you - I'll stick to my Boones Farm!" I'm just that kind of gal. Simple. And if my dad is around at the time, he laughs and laughs and says, "WHAT kiddo? Still no red wine for you? Did I ever tell you all the story about........?" Oh God help me. NOT that tired old story again! And please! My children are in the room. I was NOT 16 - I was at least 25 - do NOT tell them I was 16.

See, it really wasn't my fault - the whole red wine debacle. I was never good at geometry- I never understood it or really gave a crap about it. Why would I need to know that stuff? I will NEVER, I can assure you, EVER, need to know the length of the line opposite the angle. (And I never have to this day). But I should have paid better attention in class the day they covered VOLUME. (Hell, I'm not even sure that's the right term - but just work with me here and go with it for now). See - the deal is this: If you have a bottle of something and that bottle has 1 finger's height (now this measurement I GET) of liquid in it - and the bottle is 3" in diameter (that's the distance across - or is that half the distance across? No, half the distance is the radius I think) - anyway - back to your lesson - LISTEN UP - the important part you NEED to know is this: the 3" wide diameter with 1 finger height of liquid has LESS liquid than the bottle 7" wide diameter with 1 finger height of liquid.

Who the hell knew? Jesus. This is a pretty critical thing to understand. I wish someone had clued me in before I stood before my so-called friends and held up a bottle of red wine - 7" in diameter - with a screw cap (we only drank the BEST) and proclaimed, "I will finish this off there's just a finger left in it!!" Good lord have mercy on my soul. I drank from that bottle for at least 10 minutes trying to finish that shit off so we could get on to school that morning. But, being a gal of my word, I got 'er down.

For a bit. She came back up and visited me several times for a few days after - but I kicked her ass the first time we met so I still felt like a champion.

I want to enjoy a glass of red wine. I see people drinking it - and they seem to really enjoy it. It's a low maintenance beverage - doesn't require chilling, keeps well and by golly - it's GOOD for you! I want to drink it mainly for the health benefits. Sure, grape juice would likely have the same great benefits but what the hell fun would that be? So in 2010, I'm determined to drink that entire bottle of wine - one sip at a time. I keep it above my dryer in my laundry room. When I go to do laundry, I open the cabinet, fight the cork to release itself and I smell it. Mmmm - 2007 - that was a good year! I put it to my pursed lips - I tilt the bottle - very gently and very slowly - THERE! I got some on my lips - wait for it - wait for it - I didn't puke! Okay! Baby steps here - put the cork on and come back next week for another round. I'm determined to be cool and classy and elegant - all swirlin' my red wine around in my fancy pants red wine glass and talking about what a great year it was and smelling the bouquet by waving my hand over the top of the glass.

It may take me all year - but I WILL drink that entire bottle of wine.


  1. So sorry to be the bearer of bad news but if you leave that bottle above your dryer where is does not stay cool it will eventually turn to grape vinegar and it will taste even worse than you think it does now. Although you do not have to chill red wine before you drink it, once it is open it is supposed to be refrigerated if stored for any length of time. Just sayin....

  2. Ah hell! Who knew? See - I don't get this red wine business. It already tastes like crap so I likely would have never known the difference. I better put it somewhere safe so I can get it drank.