Hillbillies

So there I was, all like "Sure!  Why not!  Do whatever you think is best!"  And then, I came home to find this:

That's my deck.  What's left of it.  Three days ago it was actually a functional deck complete with safety railings and all the floor pieces.  That's before the husband asked "What absolutely MUST be done before graduation?"  And we had a long discussion about putting lipstick on the pig and calling it good because we are down to 3 weeks and it's supposed to rain this weekend so really, we have ONE weekend.  Originally we were going to re-stain the deck prior to graduation - so it looked all pretty and inviting and such.  But then time got away from us and also the money tree hasn't yet bloomed this spring, so we determined we would do the following to the deck:

1. Clean it
2. Clean the table/glass
3. Fix 2 boards that were warped
4. Fix the 2-3 pieces of railing that were warped
5. Hang an awning that we he has in our his 40' bus

THAT'S IT.  Well, he did not mention to me that #5 above involved a complete fucking de-construct on the deck and also a million dollar investment in what appear to be railroad ties.  Ya know, when I saw that I was thinking, What.The.Fuck.  This shit would have been good information to fucking share DURING the discussion about the deck.  This is not the kind of "surprise" you spring on your over-stressed out wife 3 weeks before a graduation celebration.  I'm curious now as to just how fucking big and heavy this awning is?  Could we have put it on our roof instead of having the roof replaced?  I mean, surely I could have found a more functional use for this giant PURPLE awning?  Yes.  It's purple. 

See, he came to own the awning when he was married to someone else and she had this affinity for purple - all things purple.  So everything that resides in that 40' Mary Poppins Bag on Wheels is purple.  We've been together almot 10 years and I've yet to see everything in that bus - I bet if I took inventory we'd never have to buy another fucking thing in our lives. 

So now - our deck is what you see above.  And the steps to the deck now look like this:

Those are shavings and spare parts left over from cutting some boards for the deck deconstruction of 2010.  I suggested that a tarp or piece of painter's plastic likely could have saved us him hours of time on the clean up and asked why on earth he would do that?  He's a contractor and remodels other peoples' homes for a living - I KNOW he does NOT do this shit at their house - why does he do it at ours? 

Me:  Seriously?  Why wouldn't you put down a tarp to catch that shit?

Him: What's the big deal?

Me:  Well now it's going to be a pain in the ass to get all that shit cleaned up.

Him:  I was hoping my dad would do it but he never did.

Me:  Likely because he thought it was as fucking stupid as I do that you didn't put down a tarp.

Him:  It's not a big deal - I'll just sweep it under the deck

Me:  YOU ARE THE BIGGEST HILLBILLY I HAVE EVER MET AS IS EVIDENCED BY YOUR DAMNED BUS.

Purchased with real, not Monopoly money that was worked for, not won, with purpose and intentionally, not as a trade to save your life from Guido the Debt Collector.  God help me.

Boring Shit that will Bore you to TEARS

Sorry to have been remiss in posting the last few days - it seems I was busy - doing, um, er, something terribly important! 

Last Friday night, the crazies came over to address graduation invitations - I was fortunate enough to run them out in about 2 hours so that I could spend some quality time with the other cousin!  We had a grand ol' time, sittin' in the garage, swilling back the booze, bitching bragging about our parenting skills and how good we are at it.  We stayed up pretty late, later than we should have, but we had a lot of ground to cover!  Fun times!

Saturday, I got up at the ass crack of dawn (8:30) and started getting busy doing important shit like drinking coffee, chatting with my cousin some more, and bitching about some more benign shit that grates on my nerves.  I can't share it with you right now, because I'm no longer on THAT rant and it doesn't interest me any longer.  I'm sure I'll come back to it another time becuase it seems that is the pattern.

Then I did a whole shit ton of chores INCLUDING going to hell Walmart on a Saturday afternoon with daughter #1.  The house doesn't look any cleaner and I can't really recall which chores I did, it appears none - but I know I did them because my hands look old and wrinkled and also I remember my feet hurt pretty bad that night.  Late in the day, the prodigal son dropped by to "clean his room."  This act consists of picking up 3 dirty glasses and army crawling them from the basement stairs to the dishwasher.  He had to army crawl because he had on his "work" boots (why that kid has work boots totally escapes me - he does no work) and they were muddy and I had just cleaned my floors.  He was too lazy to take them off, so he army crawled around - his friends (who had on cleaner shoes) just stood there and laughed at him.  The whole thing was really pathetic on more levels than I can even describe.  But I did laugh because he is funny!

And also he gets on my nerve.  I have one left.  It's VERY ragged and old and aged.  He is on it right now.  Hasn't had time to get his prescription filled.  Didn't go to physical therapy because he had a game.  Can't go to class in the morning because he needs to get shit done.  He makes life far more complicated than it needs to be.  He really does.  If you set your priorities - in the correct order - and stick to them and follow that list - then life is just a tad easier.  I wonder how long it will take him to figure this shit out.  I'm trying to remember how long it took me, but maybe I'm not yet there so that's why I can't remember?

Anywho - Sunday I did the sum total of JACKSHIT.  I was freakin' tired because the husband made me stay up quite late Saturday night - drinking and listening to music.  I kept begging him to end the night and let us go to bed, but he kept insisting we stay up and drink more.  He's such a lush.  So on Sunday, I felt like crap and didn't do much of anything. I  tried to pretend I was fine and got up and acted busy  - but at 10 a.m. I took a nap. 

On Monday morning, I got up late, found the car on empty, hit the curb with my tire on my way around a roundiebout and then forgot to pay summer camp dues.  I officially grounded myself from the booze for 3 weeks and my wonderful husband ran all my errands and filled up my car with gas while I was at work. It's good to have him.  I love him.  He's good to me.  And Monday evening http://www.raisinaruckus.typepad.com/ came over to watch daughter #1 play softball and we ate ice cream sundaes FOR DINNER!!!!!  She called me the devil!!!  I like that!

I know - this is the most horrendous post ever and not funny or entertaining or even worthy of your time it took to read it.  I apologize.  I just wanted to touch base - - I'll come up with something better in the near future.  Oh and guess what - I THINK my other two sons have moved back in.  YAY!!!

Freaky Friday

Not much today - very busy!  Getting ready for graduation - which is now in only one month.  I DID get teary eyed today thinking about it as I ran errands.  But then I cussed myself out and got back on task!  Whew!  My dear friend agreed to make my photo montage video for me  - YAY!  Thank you so much!  She's so much cooler and creative than I am - I'm so glad she agreed to do it!  And also, she knows some kick ass music and will help me in that regard.

Tonight the crazies are coming over to address invitations for the group graduation party.  I hope they write fast and get on down the road quickly because the other cousin is coming over to hang out and spend the night with me!  I had to scour a bathroom so she can shower in the morning - I am sure glad she lets goats come in her house because otherwise this bathroom would likely not pass her inspection.  It just does NOT come clean - EVER.  It's next on the evergrowinglistofshittodotothishouse.  Complete tear out and replacement.  Sad part is, it's the kids' primary bathroom - and I'll still have some nasty rotting bathroom in the master - one day.  One day - MY time will come!

That's it for now - the crazies will be here any minute! 

Get off Other People's Boobies

As you know, my sister-in-law recently had a baby.  That's my nephew.  He's cute, but I think I already mentioned that.  Anyway - she has decided she will nurse the baby - and that is 100% HER choice.  I did not nurse my children.  I tried with the first one and it just didn't "fit" for me, so I switched to bottle feeding and formula about 5 weeks into it and then started both of my other two immediately on the bottle.  That was MY choice.  I didn't really give a shit what anyone thought, and it seems like back then, quite a few of us bottle fed our babies - we weren't into the whole nursing scene for some reason so I was kind of part of the "in" crowd.

All of my children have been very healthy and oddly intelligent.  Yet, the pro-breast milk movement will claim that bottle fed babies are less healthy and also not as smart.  I guess if I had not bottle fed these 3 kids, there is a good damned chance none of them would have ever experienced so much as a sniffle and also, they would have had near genius IQ's.  I know a few women who exclusively nursed and they have some of the sickliest children I've ever seen in my life and some even have struggles with learning - so I'm NOT convinced that breast feeding is the only way to go to ensure health and brilliance in your offspring. 

That's the background.  Here's the current:  The new mom made a comment on her FB status that the breastfeeding thing rather "binds her down" - which it does - it puts the burden of care 100% on the mother whilst the father is out flitting about doing whatever.  That's ONE reason I never liked breastfeeding but this isn't about me.  So anyway - she makes that statement.  To which she is entitled and I can totally relate - TOTALLY RELATE.

So her "friends" on FB pipe in (of course):

So Agree. But your doing the best thing now. That is nursing. Way to go mom!!!



That's right! God made women to breast feed their baby because HE knew it might be the only time you get to relax a little. Besides all of the other benifits from it, cheaper, rewarding, bonding, etc. I'm very proud of you! Remember, that first little fat double chin is from YOUR milk!
 
Not to mention the he helps burn a whole lot of calories!


Ya know what?  Shut.the.fuck.up.  For those of us who have chosen to NOT breastfeed or are considering that the job may not be a fit for us, we've already generated enough self-induced mommy guilt without having you lactation nazis out there making these kinds of stupid fucking remarks. 
 
You're doing the best thing now.   I'm sorry - but the BEST thing to is make certain you and baby are BOTH comfortable and well nourished.  And if one of those components in missing from the equation - then it's NOT the best thing. 
 
God made women to breastfeed.  No, God did not make us TO breastfeed.  And who the hell determined God was in a fact a HE?  I find the entire comment above to be sexist.
 
....helps burn a whole lot of calories....  Like I said, I didn't breastfeed and I was back in my pre-maternity gear by the time I returned to work at 6 weeks each time. I'm not convinced of this little "fact" either.
 
When the hell did women stop supporting each other and start taking a stance on this subject matter and taking sides?  Ya know what sister-in-law - YOU DO WHATEVER THE HELL FEELS RIGHT AND COMFORTABLE TO YOU.  If you want to breast feed that baby and it suits you - then do it.  But if it just doesn't work out for whatever reason - that is fine also - and it's no body else's business how you're gettin' that baby fed. 
 
Fucking nosey assed, judgemental people drive me nuts.  And no, I do not have boobie breastfeeding envy if that's what you're thinking.  As a matter of fact - I ADMIRE women who have the tenacity to do this shit for longer than 5 weeks.  I honestly do.  It escapes me how they could pull it off because I'm selfish and wanted my own body back to myself after birthing the children, but I totally admire women who can do this.  And if they cannot, I certainly do NOT go around telling them shit that guilts them even more, like "It's the BEST thing."  - It's AN OPTION people.  And there are advantages and disadvantages to BOTH. 

That's all I've got to say about that.  (for the moment)

Lists - Part I

I like to make lists - they help me to stay on task and also it helps me to remember things.  Sometimes I forget things - things I say, things I do, things I commit to while drinking - so I like to write this shit down.  Also, list making helps to break down GIHUGIC projects into small, edible bites and facilitates the whole feelingoodboutgettinshitdone thingie mabopper dealie (sorry for the highly technical and specialized jargon there folks).

Anyway - I've been thinking - I really need to make a list of all the things I'm going to do when my kids move out on their own and I go to visit them at their new digs.  I really don't want to blow it and let them down and forget all the things I have been promising them their entire lives - it's important when you promise a child something that you actually live up to the promise.  I'm a woman of my word, so to the list making I head!

To my favoritest son in the whole universe, here is what you can expect from me when you move out of our family home and I come to see you: (these are, of course, listed in no particular order because I'm all about spotenaity and I don't want to be locked into any certain regiment)

1. I will write my name in black permanent marker on whichever chair I decide is mine at the table, in your living room and also in your new car whenever you get a brand new one.
2. I will help you wash your brand new car - with a lava rock.
3. I will scour your entire house as if every room and every items belongs to me and likely take whatever I find that looks interesting or expensive and claim it as my own.
4. Sometimes I will just take benign shit that I see laying around - things like boxes of toothpicks, or maybe the shoelaces out of your new sneakers.
5. I will always eat gum and lollipops at your house and when I'm tired of licking or chewing them, I will just toss the candy item wherever I'm standing or sitting. 
6. I will not actually wash my hands, but instead just wet them, then wipe them with your freshly washed hand towel.
7. I will never actually sit over the hole in the toilet, but I'll get pretty damned close.  Of course, I also will not wipe up any pee that is on the seat or floor as a result - I mean seriously - GROSS - you do NOT expect me to touch pee?
8. I will trade my smoking habit for chewing tobacco and I will use your new glasses as spitters and fill them all up with gallons of spit from my mouth and then I will leave them laying around wherever the hell I want.
9. Of course, when I arrive at your house, I will, obviously, unload my car of all trash into your side yard or driveway - whichever you have is fine - I'm not picky.
10. I will invite all of my friends over and if you have provided me a key to your home - I will make certain to get a copy to all of my friends so they can also enjoy your home while you are not there and also so I do not have to be present to let them in.
11. If I must take a shower at your home, you will find my wet towel thrown on the bedroom floor, along with my dirty underwear and socks (turned inside out and wadded in a ball of course).
12. If I need to wash that dirty laundry of mine while I'm there and you have your clothes in the washer/dryer already - it's okay - I'll just take them out and throw them on the floor or maybe set them on a nearby counter for you.
13. When I do bring my friends over, unannounced and they are hungry, we will dig through your cupboards and say polite things like, "There's NEVER anything good to fucking eat at this fucking house."  And then we will call out to God and little baby Jesus about how irritating this is.
14. When you do get a brand new car and you take me on a ride in it - I will definitely help you drive by controlling the music - I'm the passenger - my comfort and happiness is what's most important.
15. If you host Christmas or a birthday party, I'll be certain to not smile the entire time - I may even wear my iPod headphones and pretend to be listening to music so I don't ever have to actually engage in a conversation with anyone else in attendance.
16. If I don't feel like washing off my plate (which I never will - trust me) - I'll just throw it in the trash so you don't have to bother with it.
17. When you get a job and you need that job to put food on your table and pay your bills, I'll be sure to text you 25 times a day asking you if I can bring my friends over later that night.  And when you don't text back, I'll start calling you - every 3 minutes until you finally respond to me.
18. If you have any movies I like or think I might want to watch, I'll just take them out of the case and sneak them into my purse, leaving the case behind so you only THINK you have the movie - oh the surprise you'll get when you go to watch it!!!
19. I will be certain to either break, lose or give away every gift you ever give me, if you ever give me a gift. 
20. When I arrive at your house and find you making a large meal and it's obvious to me that you've been working diligently on this meal for quite a while, I will be certain to announce that I've already eaten McDonalds on the way and won't be eating any of the food you have prepared.

That's all for now - I will continue to add to this list as I remember all the sweet and wonderful things you've done for me over the years so I can be certain to repay you in your adulthood!

Housekeeping Tips from the Bleach Blonde - Part I

Grandmother A was an immaculate housekeeper and having spent nearly every summer with her growing up (or so it seemed), I also learned the fine art of keeping a home and being the perfect house wife. Because not many of us in my generation had the luxury of having a mother that didn't work outside of the home, I'd like to take this opporunity to share with you just a few of the housekeeping skills I was taught.  You'll want to bookmark this post in your Favorites so you can refer to it often as it definitely contains some VERY important information about keeping a respectful home.

All ironing is performed on a single day of the week. As the clothing is washed and dried throughout the week, merely place your wrinkled garments on a table and sprinkle with water and roll them in a bed sheet. Keep them in the fridge until ironing day. Anything and everything cotton is ironed. This includes tea towels; boxer shorts; handkerchiefs, sheets, etc. On ironing day, all you have to do is unwedge the giant ball of clothing from the fridge shelves, open it up and dig in! Just set yourself up an iron (or two) in a TV room, put a nipple on your scotch bottle, turn on an old sappy black & white movie and BOOM! Ironing day is a SNAP!

Tired of those unsightly hairs, dust bunnies and stray crumbs that settle between the step and the riser on your staircase carpet? NOT to worry people! Grab yourself a firm bristled, short handled hand broom, put a nipple on your scotch bottle, then start at the top step and just start brushing the carpet. Start at all the meeting points of the angles - brush firmly with an inward motion. Once you've finished all three "walls" of the step - just brush that crap on down to the next step. Carefully slide your bootie down one step lower, don't forget your scotch though and continue this process until you've successfully brushed each step thoroughly. It's good to perform this task once a week as there is quite a bit of foot traffic on the steps and those little crevices do tend to attract all kinds of unwanted dust, hair and crumbs.

Do you hate dirty sterling silver as much as I do? I mean, what IF the Queen unexpectedly showed up and you had to serve her, but all you had were cabinets full of dirty sterling? Well, there's no need to worry about being caught off-guard by a visit from the Queen - nosiree - just empty your curio cabinets on a weekly basis and polish that shit! It's easy! All you need is a 55 gallon vat of silver cleaner and a bottle of scotch and you're good to go! You can easily knock this chore out in a morning - perhaps even before the movie starts and you engage in ironing!

That's likely all the helpful hints for the day you can absorb, so I'll stop there - but remember - BOOKMARK THIS as you will want to refer to it often.  And look for more informative posts about housekeeping here in the future!  I cannot take this information to the grave with me people - I must share it so you can ALL be perfect little housekeepers!

ITT's HAIR

Daughter #1's first softball game of her high school career was Monday night.  It was fun!  They're a young team, first time out together, a bit of a struggle - but they'll figure it out.  But this entry isn't about that game, because well, if you wanted to know what happened, you should have gotten off your lazy ass and come and watched it for yourself.

What this is about is who what I saw there:

It's Cousin Itt!!!   I.shit.you.not.  There I was, just sitting there all minding my own business and cheering the team on and I looked down and WHOA!  WHEN.THE.FUCK DID COUSIN ITT GET HERE?   And also, why did no one tell me?  I squealed out in excitement, "Itt's here!!!!" 

And my husband was all, "What?" 

ITT - ITT'S HERE - I am not even kidding about this shit - look - there ITT is!!! 

"That's Crystal Gayle,"  he argued. 

THAT IS NOT CRYSTAL GAYLE - she has black hair - THAT is ITT!!! 

"Crystal Gayle." 

ITT. 

"Maybe she bleached her hair, you're not a real blonde either." 

I AM a real blonde fucker - bite your tongue in public, everyone knows I'm a real blonde and that is NOT Crystal Gayle - it is Cousin ITT - ask Itt.  I dare you!

Finally the game ended and we had to leave and I didn't get a chance to see if Itt had on sunglasses or not, but I KNEW it was Itt.  At dinner, I asked Daughter #1 who's mother Itt was and she was all, "Jesus Mother - you're mean, but that was nasty."   Who is the mean one here?  You tell me.  I was not being critical, I just wanted to get Itt's autograph.

Maybe at the next game because something tells me Itt won't be getting itt's hair cut anytime soon.